What was it like for him to return to Indianapolis after what we had done? The guilt must have been unbearable. Did he go straight to see Laurie? Did he confess to her parents? I imagine her mother losing it at him, weighing him down with shame. He must have felt so full of self-loathing and regret.
Oh, Anders. How could I ever think that one good day with me could unravel four and a half years of suppression? Ofcoursehe was going to need more time. I should have been more patient.
Is it over? Really and truly over? Could I go back to beinghis friend, at least? Someone to support him and love him, no matter what?
If I’m honest with myself, I don’t know that I can. I don’t think I have the strength. The realization makes me crumble.
I need to get home before I lose it right here on the pavement.
I wonder if he’s in as much pain as I am. It terrifies me that he might be in even more.
41
One week earlier
Anders
I pull into Kelly and Brian’s drive and sit awhile before reaching forward and cutting the engine. The heaviness in my chest feels so much worse than usual.
I don’t know if I can do this.
That thought runs through my head.
But I told them that I’d come today, so I’m here.
I stare ahead at the house, the house my wife grew up in, wondering how her parents can stand it.
Memories of Laurie are imprinted on every inch of this place. She told me her childhood was lonely at times with no siblings, but her parents doted on her.
How often did she sit in that living room as a little girl, doing a jigsaw puzzle with her mom or making her dad watch one of her puppet shows? How many after-school snacks have been made in that kitchen, how many ball games played in that backyard?
Her parents must have walked past her bedroom a hundred times when she was a teenager to see her on the phone to her best friend, Katy, lying on her belly on her bed with her legskicked up behind her. Actually, she probably would have closed the door, but they would have heard her voice, the sound of her laughing.
I feel so sad for them that all their memories are no longer pure and untainted. Because how can they remember her as she was when they live with her as she is now?
I get out of the car before I spiral.
When Kelly opens the door, the weight inside me densifies. I used to look at her and see parts of Laurie and I liked imagining the sort of woman my wife might grow into. It used to make me feel optimistic.
Now the sight of her fills me with dread.
“Hello,” she says with a barely there smile, giving me a quick hug. “How are you?”
Her eyes dart away from me almost as soon as she’s asked this question. Lately, she hasn’t wanted to know the answer, hasn’t wanted to see my face as I’ve lied and said that I’m fine.
I cannot bring myself to tell her that I’m fine today.
Not after this week, when every minute has felt like a waking nightmare.
Not after yesterday, when Wren got into a taxi outside my apartment and took herself off to the airport because she couldn’t stand to see me.
And definitely not today, now I know that she’s gone.
The thought of her pain cripples me.
Everything felt sointense when I drove away on Monday morning. I didn’t tell Wren I was heading straight back to Indy because I knew she’d worry about me getting behind a wheel when I’d been awake all night, but I wasn’t tired.
I’ve seen films where people say, “I feel so alive,” and I’ve been like, yeah, whatever. But that morning I got it. I was so aware of every single thing.
