I let go—the only way I can manage, by going limp. Baz shoves me off of him, and I fall on my side.
“Sorry,” I gasp. I try to cover my eyes, but he’s still holding my wrists.
“It’s all right,” he says. “Just, I don’t know, breathe.”
I try.
I try.
I’m trying.
All right.
I’m breathing.
I’m trying.
All right.
When I open my eyes again, I see Baz lying on his side next to me. His hair is a mess. He looks worried.
“Sorry,” I say. My eyes are burning. Christ, next I’ll be crying.
Baz lets go of my wrists and holds my face instead. “It’s fine—I’m fine. I mean, if you still had your magic, I think I’d be dead . . .”
I laugh, but only because I feel so pathetic. “You think I’m going off?”
“Yeah . . . I don’t think you have gears, Snow. I think you only go full throttle.”
I laugh again, miserably, and then the weeping starts—I knew it would. I try to turn my face away. “I’m sorry, Baz. I’m never going to get this right.”
“Shut up,” he says. “We’ve only just started trying.”
I close my eyes. Now is when I’d leave. Normally. Now is when Ican’tleave. I need to ride this out. I need to keep riding this out.
He rubs my cheeks with his thumbs. “I like your flat,” he says.
I laugh. It’s ridiculous. He keeps wiping away my tears.
I’m breathing. The pressure is fading in my head. The heat is leaving my eyes. I’m breathing. I’m tired. “What if it never gets better?” I say. “What if I never get better at any of this?”
Baz runs his thumb from the bridge of my nose to my temple and back. “What if every kiss leads us here?”
My eyes burn again. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” he says.
I open my eyes. “Okay?”
He shrugs. “I’ll take it.”
“Don’t fuck with me.”
He wraps one hand around the back of my neck. “I’m notfuckingwith you! I’ll take it. I’m a traumatized vampire. I never thought I’d have a normal relationship. I thought I was going to marry some girl, and sneak out at night to sleep with strangers and drink their pets.”
I roll my eyes. “When did you think that?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “Pretty much from age thirteen to . . . however old I was the night you kissed me.”
