I needed out.
I needed to breathe.
I, too, needed time.
I flew out to L.A. the next morning. Penny agreed to look after Trzy; the hairless cat wasn’t an issue for her allergies.
I also texted Cage before boarding the plane.
Lake:I’m sorry. I just need you to know that I feel your pain, just differently. Have a safe holiday. I love you.
I shut down my phone and watched Minneapolis fade into the distance through the window of the plane. It made my heart ache.
When I landed in L.A., I felt better. Maybe we both needed to say what we did even if it hurt the other to hear it. The only thing harder than dealing with feelings was allowing other people to have them also, especially when they weren’t the same as mine. I had to trust time.
Time to heal.
Time to forgive.
Time to let go of the past.
Time to hold on to the future.
The hotel the magazine booked for me to stay at during the shoot didn’t have any available rooms until my original check-in date, so I got a room at a less glamorous hotel, but it was on the beach, so it didn’t matter. I needed the blue waters of Mother Earth to remind me of my insignificance and how my problems didn’t matter because… Ben died and I lived.
I hadn’t been to the beach since my accident. At one point I felt certain I’d never go to another beach in my life. My remaining foot missed the feel of the sand between its toes.Parts of my skin hadn’t seen the sun in years. Nothing compared to the feeling of the sun on my face, like it rose that morning just to shine on me.
Thank you, sun.
I didn’t acknowledge the photos that I knew were being taken of me. Sports star’s girlfriend, vacationing without him, pale body sprawled out on the beach with a prosthetic leg sticking out of the sand like a stick. Yeah, yeah, I didn’t give a shit because really… Sun. On. My. Face.
The moment felt tangible, like the elements were physically hugging me. So on a beach in Los Angeles, under a perfect sky with the wind whispering a beautiful lullaby along my skin… I found what had eluded me for so long.
Sleep.
Three hours later I woke with a dried trail of drool from the corner of my mouth to my shoulder. It hurt to open my eyes. My whole face felt puffy and… burnt.
“Oh my God!” I bolted up.
Red.
“No, no, no…” I scrambled for my leg. It wasn’t there.
It. Wasn’t. There!
The beachgoers had dwindled to a few people walking along the shoreline in the distance. I flipped over, grimacing at the sand rubbing against my burnt legs.
“Ouch, ouch, ouch!”
Casting aside my pain, I dug like a dog in the sand. Why? Why would someone take my leg? Who does that?
I’m not sure when it started. At first I thought it was rain. Nope. The drops in the sand were my tears. I sat back on my towel and gently brushed the sand from my arms and legs.
“Ouch, ouch, ouch!”
So many thoughts fought for my attention. Thad would kill me. I lost his leg that no doubt cost more than my car. I was alone in L.A., stranded on a beach that looked more abandoned with each passing moment as the sun began to set. The last thought was the worst part: I couldn’t walk. My hopping skills were quite good, but not in the sand. The photo shoot that would never happen. I didn’t need a mirror to see my face. My arms and legs said it all.
Glancing down, I eased my top away from my chest just to confirm. “Holy shit!” I looked like a candy cane. The entrance to my hotel was a good two hundred yards away. I considered crawling it, but there was no way that would end well. Another scan of the area revealed no one within earshot. Luckily my bag that I’d used as a pillow was still there. I dug out my phone, frowning at the last bar.
