“I’m Marcus. I lost my wife in childbirth. I’m having trouble potty training our daugther, but I’m okay. Thanks.”
Two.
“I’m Adriana. I lost my wife from a heart attack. I just started a new job, and the new facility daycare is perfect for us. I’m tired, but alive.”
Three.
“I’m Melissa. I lost my boyfriend in a car accident. I miss him but I’m enjoying my new relationship. I’m happy.”
Four.
“I’m Owen. I lost my husband from a pulmonary embolism. I made his favorite dessert for his niece’s birthday party. It was so much fun.”
My turn.
“I’m Riley. I lost my fiancé to brain cancer. I’ve moved out of our old apartment. I’m okay considering.”
Today’s topic is Reinvesting in Your Life! I think I’ve talked about this topic about a hundred times. We go around the group one by one like in the introduction and talk about how we’re reinvesting in our lives without our partners. We are all asked to offer words of encouragement or our own advice to each person after they say their piece.
I’m usually rather quiet at this point in the group session, as I prefer listening to other members. I only offer words of encouragement or congratulations.
When it’s my turn to speak about how I’m reinvesting in my life, I know what the obvious thing to say is: “I moved out of our old apartment.”But instead, I find different words tumbling out of my mouth: “I downloaded a dating app.” Now, I hadn’t, but I wanted to—but felt so guilty and couldn’t bring myself to. That’s the kind of thing I should have said.
The group mutters words of encouragement.
I nod my head in agreement, silently begging Martina to keep the group moving.
“It’s fun, once you get used to it,” says Melissa, next to me. “It’s a little jarring to be looking at other people who aren’t your fiancé. I’m sure you’ll get used to it though.” She gives me a soft and encouraging smile.
My face feels hotter than the sun. I should have talked about the apartment or quite literally, anything else but the dating app I didn’t download. I guess this is it then. I have to do it, or at the next group when they inevitably ask me about it, I won’t have anything to say.
I remember when Melissa first announced she was going on a date. Everyone ribbed her forweeks.She took it in good spirits, but I’m not sure I can withstand the jokes. Dealing with the guilt is enough on its own.
The group goes through the closing ritual of talking about what we are looking forward to this week.
“I’m looking forward to taking our daughter to the park.”
“I’m looking forward to getting my first paycheck.”
“I’m looking forward to celebrating our six month anniversary.”
“I’m looking forward to starting my cooking class.”
What would I say?
I don’t know.
“I’m looking forward to dating again.”
When I arrive back at my building, it’s quiet. Suspiciously quiet. Stuart is gone from his office. I ride the elevator to my new floor, and a tall shadow looms around the corner. I have a feeling I know exactly who it is.
“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” I ask Jae, who is leaning on my door, blocking my way in. “Why are you here?”
“I really liked your sketch,” He gives me a wicked grin. “My sister sent it to me last night. What a coincidence that we live in the same building, right?”
“Can you move?” I shake my keys at him and sigh. He’s a bold one.
“Only if you’ll answer this question for me,” He relents, sliding over so I could get into the door, even without answering his question.
