She paused in her pacing and stared at him. “I’m not sure it is,” she muttered. Her voice became sharper. “I hardly know how to cook. I can mend, but I’m hopeless at weaving. I would make you a terrible wife.”
“You can learn those things.”
“But I don’t want to!” The words burst from her mouth, hot with frustration. “You don’t understand. The life you’re offering—it’s exactly what I left. I grew up on a farm in the countryside, and I didn’t much like it. Hispania, Italy—I don’t think it makes much difference.”
But this time, it would be with me.Was that not enough for her?
“Do you really have to go so far?” she demanded. “I don’t see why you can’t find land in Italy. Somewhere not so far from Rome.”
He considered her words, attempting to view them rationally and disregard the ache spreading through his chest at the fact that she seemed to be rejecting him. It made sense she’d wish to stay in Italy. Her uncle was here. Maybe she didn’t wish to be far from him. If she went to Hispania, she might never set foot here again.
Perhaps a compromise was in order. Though he’d set his sights on Hispania because it was the land of his birth, maybe, to keep Velia, he’d have to adjust his vision of the future.
“I would stay in Italy,” he finally said. “If that’s what it took for you to agree.”
“You misunderstand me,” she said quietly. “I meant…if you stayed in Italy, I could visit.”
“Visit,” he repeated, the word echoing around his skull.Visit. She means tovisitme? Not…The ache in his chest intensified into a sharp, piercing pain that made the wound in his leg feel like he’d nicked himself while shaving.
Velia sat on the edge of his bed and reached for his hand, her small fingers closing around his. In the dark, her eyes glimmered with gathering tears.
“Ferox,” she murmured. “I…” She swallowed hard. “I love you. But I don’t love the life you’re offering me.”
He let out a long breath. She loved him. But somehow, it wasn’t enough. “You would really rather stay here, surrounded by gladiators and violence and death, than come with me? I can offer you peace, Velia. Somewhere quiet, somewhere that just belongs to us.”
“I don’t want peace! Ilikeit here, Ferox. I was only supposed to be here for a month, but I stayed because I found something here that I never knew existed. All my life I thought the only future for me was getting married, bearing children, spending my life caring for them and my husband. It felt like I was going to suffocate every time I thought of it. But Lucullus showed me there’s another way. There’s more I can want, different choices I can make.”
“That’s the difference,” Ferox said sharply. “Youchosethis life. I didn’t.”
She was silent for a moment. The scraps of light caught on a tear sliding down her cheek. “You could choose it now,” she whispered unsteadily.
“No,” he said. “I can’t stay here. This time when I leave, it will be forever.” Though it would be difficult to leave Jason and Lea—and it might kill him to leave Velia—he needed a life free of ghosts, of guilt. A life that was truly his own.
He still prayed she would change her mind, that the prospect of such finality would sway her. But deep down, he knew her decision was made.
She wiped a hand across her eyes. “Very well,” she murmured. “Excuse me. I should fetch you some fresh bandages.” She rose from the bed and slipped from the room before he could say anything further.
25
Velialeanedagainstthewall outside Ferox’s room. She squeezed her eyes shut, but tears still leaked from beneath her lids.
She should have known this conversation was coming. She’d been pretending that the end of Ferox’s contracted time could arrive and they’d go their separate ways without a fuss. With regret, yes, but without this searing pain that felt as if it was going to tear her in two.
But after the events of last week—after Feroxkilledfor her—she should have known there would be a reckoning. It didn’t matter if the emperor expelled him tomorrow, or if he fought his final match. Things had changed between them.
Somehow, though, this conversation snuck up on her with the unsettling shock of missing a stair.
He wanted her to come to Hispania with him. To be some sort of…wife?
She thought he knew her better than that.Understoodher better than that.
In turn, she should have known better than to hope he’d stay in a life he hadn’t chosen, a life that held only painful memories. There was no future for them. She’d been deluding herself to think this could end any other way.
Velia mopped the tears from her eyes with a fold of her dress, then gathered herself and headed outside. No matter her disappointment with him, his bandages still needed changing. She’d fetch some clean supplies from the storeroom and hope that by the time she reentered his room, she could face him without crying.
Dawn was just beginning to break, its light glowing over the eastern wall of the ludus. A figure approached from the other side of the courtyard, and Velia paused when she recognized her uncle, a habitual early riser. “Good morning, uncle.”
He returned the greeting, but frowned when he caught sight of her face. “Is all well? Ferox—” His brows drew together in concern.
