“I got shot leaving Mendoza’s.”
“When you were carrying me?” Annabel questioned.
“Not that it makes any difference, but yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Annabel snorted contemptuously. “I got you shot. It’s just one more thing to make me feel horrible about myself.”
“Hear me when I say youcan’tkeep thinking like that.”
“And what makes you an expert?”
“Look, I can’t say I understand exactly how you feel because I didn’t experience the same torment as you.” Holding her gaze, I continued on. “But when I was eleven years old, I was raped.”
Annabel’s eyes widened in shock. Any old animosity on her face was replaced by shock and sympathy. As the deafening silence hung heavy around us, I drew in a ragged breath and began my story. The walls of the hospital bathroom melted away as I traveled across the years, back to a bedroom with a pink bedspread. As I unburdened myself, the shackles, which had once bound me into a long silence, fell away, and I experienced a freedom I had no idea existed anymore.
When I finished speaking, I stared down at the floor, unable to look at Annabel. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of what she might have thought about me. It was more the fact that I was physically and emotionally overwhelmed. I was almost twenty-eight years old, and it had taken me sixteen years to say the words out loud.
A rustling sound finally drew my stare from the blood stained tile. I looked up to see Annabel slowly inching toward me. Just as our bodies touched, she stopped. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.
With a shrug, I replied, “You don’t need to say anything.”
She shook her head. “One can’t hear a story like yours and not have something to say.” She wet her dry, cracked lips. “I would say I was sorry, but that simple word seems so insignificant.”
More than anyone I knew, Annabel truly understood the meaning of her words firsthand. “I guess so.”
Tears welled in her sad eyes. “You were so young. Just a baby. Me…I was old enough to know better. In some ways, I got what I deserved. I walked right into the lion’s den.”
“Don’t you fucking say that!” I shouted, my fists clenching at my side. My words and tone caused Annabel to shrink back.She didn’t deserve to be yelled at, but at the same time, I had to get through to her. And I didn’t know how many chances I would have to get this right. It wasn’t like I had a whole lot of experience consoling broken women.
Tentatively I reached my hand out to touch her cheek. When she didn’t pull away, I brushed my thumb along her jawline. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”
“It’s okay.”
“Annabel, I want you to understand that you should never, ever think like that.”
A mirthless laugh tumbled from her lips. “Honestly, Rev, you’re too forgiving. I’m twenty-four years old, not fourteen. I knew better. But still I asked a man I’d never met to take me on a motorcycle ride. I allowed myself to become a victim.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I spent years blaming myself for drinking that coffee when I knew I wasn’t supposed to have any. I wasted so many nights lying in bed thinking I deserved what happened to me because even though I was drugged, I hadn’t fought back hard enough. That there was something I had done wrong to make Kurt want me over my brothers.” I shook my head. “It’s all bullshit, Annabel. Letting those kinds of thoughts eat away with you won’t get you anywhere.”
She remained silent for a few minutes and I could tell she was deep in thought. “After you were….” She swallowed hard as she met my eyes.
“Raped,” I enunciated the word for her. “I’ve been a fucking coward about the word long enough.”
She gave a quick nod of her head. “After you were raped, did you ever want to hurt yourself?”
Her innocent question sent the walls of the room spinning and closing in on me. My breath quickened to harsh pants, and I knew I was dangerously close to hyperventilating.No, I couldn’t lose it.Not here. Not now.
Closing my eyes, I pictured myself far, far away from the blood-soaked room. I waded into the crystal clear waters of a stream. As the cool liquid encased my body, peace began to hum through my veins. The further I went into the water, the greater the relief became.
I opened my eyes to find Annabel staring at me open-mouthed. “What did you just do?”
“A visualization technique Breakneck taught me many years ago.”
“You calmed yourself down right in front of me. One minute it was like you were going over the edge, and then the next…”
