A rough, warm hand slides up the back of my neck and pulls me tight to Gage’s side. He drops a kiss on top of my hair. The man can read me like a book and always knows when I need a little comfort. I let my head rest against his broad, hard chest for a brief moment and then pull away and shake off the sadness that will swamp me if I let it.
“I’m worried about you being all alone on Monday, sweetheart.”
I swallow down that thick ball in my throat and push a reassuring smile to my lips.
“I’ll be fine, I promise.” When I see the doubt and concern in his gold-flecked blue eyes, I shake my head and reach for a three-pack of bread loaves.
“Really, Gage, I’ll be alright. Gigi and I are going to have dinner together and share our favorite memories of them. It’s always going to hurt, but I want to celebrate them more than mourn them this year. It’s time.”
His big hand rubs down my back as we move to the next aisle in the store. I’m not lying to him, at least not fully. I will be okay. Last year was the first anniversary of my parents’ and brother’s death and it had cut me off at the knees. But this year will be better and next year better still. I need to start standing on my own more, and this year’s anniversary is a good starting place.
My family would want me to start living fully again and I'm going to do just that.
"I was thinking about when I get back," Gage tells me as he loads two huge trays of lean ground beef into the cart. "How about we do a road trip to Winnipeg to catch one of Torrin's games?"
I clap my hands in excitement. "Yes! He would love that! I miss him and it sucks that he has no one close to go to any of hisgames to cheer him on. Do you think the others will want to go too? We could take the motorcoach and camp on the way there and back."
Gage smirks. "Of course they'd want to go with us. And we both know the only way we'll get Jules and Reid to camp is if we take the coach. Can you imagine those two sleeping in a tent?" He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Did you see what they put into the shared account for the household budget?"
I laugh and shrug. "It doesn't matter. They both have too much money and have no idea what a budget means. We'll use all that extra for birthdays and Christmas stuff instead."
He pushes the cart down the aisle, adding more and more to it until I'm worried that things are going to start spilling out.
Gage sighs deeply. "I really hate that we're all going to be gone at the same time. It's the first time that none of us will be here since…"
I dig my nails into my palms as a flutter of anxiety rushes through me. I hadn't really thought about that, but he's right. For the first time since the night my family died, I'll be alone in that big house. I swallow down the nerves and push a smile onto my face once again to try and reassure him and maybe myself a little bit too. I’m not in the dark place I was in for the first few months after they died. I won’t ever let myself go back to that.
"You know, twenty-one makes me a fully capable adult, right?" At his soft look, I shrug again. "It's only three days until the guys get back. I'll be okay, Gage. I promise, if it gets too hard, I'll call one of you."
At his slow nod, I push some extra brightness into my smile and the worry leaves his expression. I turn away and grab a large jar of sauce from one of the shelves, pretending to read the ingredient list to give myself some time to shake off the anxiety. I can do this. It's not the same as the months after the accident when I could barely function, when all I wanted was to leave, togo and be with my family and not have to live this life without them. I’m stronger now.
My world was completely shattered when the car carrying my parents and brother, Atlas, skidded off the road on a rainy, fog-filled night, killing them all. I don't think I would have ever recovered if Gage, Torrin, Jules, and Reid hadn't taken over and basically moved into my family home to see me through it. My brain tries to go to the fifth person that should be included in that list of names but I ruthlessly push it aside. I don't let myself think about that name or the man that it belongs to.
It's been two years since the guys came to stay and eventually moved in permanently. They've been with me through every stage of the grief that I'm still going through and we helped each other heal. I wasn't the only one who suffered from those losses. Atlas might have been a core member of their group but over the years, all four of the guys had become part of our family. My parents opened their home to the four boys who played on Atlas's baseball team and included them in family gatherings and weekly dinners. Each one of them loved my parents and brother in their own way and were also hit hard when we lost them. It took a lot for me to realize that I’m not alone and that family isn’t only made up of blood relations.
I set the jar back on the shelf and trail after Gage, taking in his broad back. I shake my head with a small smile. It shouldn't work. They’re all so different from each other that they shouldn't be the tight group that they are. Gage Strickland is a country boy, through and through. He was raised mostly by his grandfather on a farm just outside of town and is often the daddy of our group. He keeps the others in line and is always taking care of us when he's home. He works for a mining company as a heavy equipment mechanic and flies in and out of northern Alberta for his rotation of seven days on and seven days off.
He's a really big guy, stacked with muscles from all the labor he does and I always feel like a tiny little girl when he towers over me with his six-foot-four-inch height. But he makes me feel safe, like nothing bad will ever happen to me when he's beside me. He has soft, wavy chestnut hair that's long on top and short on the sides and back, the perfect contrast to his gold-flecked blue eyes.
My own eyes drop to his large, rough hands pushing the cart and my cheeks turn red at what I saw one of those big hands doing the day before. Butterflies swoop through my stomach and a shiver rolls down my back when I remember the choked way he said my name. I throw up a hard brick wall around those thoughts. I saw something I shouldn't have and it would ruin everything if I let myself go down that road. So, I tuck it away and start helping him unload our groceries onto the conveyor belt to check out.
Gage, all of them, are my friends… no… my family now. I won't let anything jeopardize that. Especially not an itch I can get scratched outside of our group.
As we wait to pay, I muse that this might be a sign that I really am ready to start living again. I haven't even thought about sex since the accident. Maybe I'm ready to finally get back out there and start dating. I frown at the thought of inviting another guy who's not them into my life and look over at Gage to find him looking back at me with his own small frown.
"What are you thinking about right now?" He asks me in his gruff voice.
I chew on my lip and then blurt it out. "I was thinking that maybe I might be ready to start dating."
His brows crash down and his frown deepens. "Dating? You want to date someone? Who?"
I shrug one shoulder. "I don't have anyone in mind but I haven't, you know… been with anyone since… before, so…" I cock my head to the side. "Actually, none of us has. Maybe that'sthe next step in moving on. Getting out there again… and you know, doing… stuff."
I trip over my words, not wanting to say flat out that we all need to go get laid. I feel the heat rush up my neck into my cheeks and duck my head so he won't see the deep blush overtaking my face. But his chuckle causes me to dart a look back at him. He moves back to the cashier and pays with our shared house debit card and takes the miles-long receipt before pushing our cart over to the food tables. I drop down onto the hard plastic bench at a free table while he goes to the counter to get us our hot dogs and drinks.
While I wait, I grab my ChapStick from the pocket of my baby doll dress, swipe some on and then spin it on the table in front of me while thinking about… sex. I want it. Plain and simple. I get a lot of affection from the guys and they never complain when I use them for cuddles, but I want that deeper connection. I want a man to put his hands on my body and groan my name like… my mind goes to what I saw the day before.
I was searching for my work apron before my shift yesterday and went into Gage's room to see if they had gotten mixed up in his laundry. He’ll often grab whatever's in my basket and throw it in with his wash. I was bent over his laundry basket searching when I heard him groan. My head snapped up from the mess of clean clothes and I spotted him through his half-open bathroom door. His back was turned to me, but I could see what he was doing in the mirror and it froze me in place. I knew it was wrong to stand there watching him but a rush of heat overcame me and I couldn't stop staring at that large, rough hand of his stroking his dick while the other gripped the counter like he was going to break a chunk of it off. I was hypnotized and practically drooling over how fucking hot it was. When he looked up and met my gaze in the mirror, his eyes flared wide and he said my name in a broken groan just as he came all over the counter.
