As soon as I got in my apartment, I called my best friends to talk about what I’d found out last night.
“‘I think it’s kinda cool that he likes a regular-looking woman who don’t fit the beauty standards.’” I was reading the social media post to my best friends on a three-way call. “‘She has a real body, a wide nose, locs, and looks kinda short. She looks regular. She’s probably getting cheated on, but I know she cooks for him and treats him right. I’m rooting for this couple.’” I paused. “And this was a postdefendingme!”
I paced from one side of my living room to the other, trying to work off my annoyance.
“Wow, I’m so sorry.” Aaliyah sighed. “You don’t deserve this.”
“That’s some bullshit. But none of that is true, so I hope you didn’t take any of it to heart,” Nina responded.
“Apparently this has been going on for the last few days,” I mentioned. “The topic—me and my worthiness to date a rising star—has gone viral. I saw it just last night, but there are so many videos and posts about it. There are so many people in the comments who are saying the meanest things about the way I look, and I just don’t understand it. They are so pressed about Lamar’s relationship status that they are dragging me and then projecting whattheythink he should be attracted to onto me. It’s… dumb.”
“It’s fucked-up is what it is,” Aaliyah corrected.
“You’re right,” I agreed, nodding. “Itisfucked-up. But it’s also dumb!”
“People say wild bullshitunprovokedon the internet because it’s easy to talk shit behind a keyboard,” Nina pointed out. “They feel like there’s no consequences.”
“I know you know.” I sighed, thinking of all the online nonsenseNina endured. “But it just brings me back to the reason why I left Chance, those bully ass bitches and all the people who let that shit slide. That was the last time I felt like I wasn’t a person but an idea to be scrutinized. And it started in middle school with Olivia saying, ‘How could that cool guy like her?’ And now, it’s like the world is saying, ‘How could that cool guy like her?’ All because I got some meat on my bones?”
“I signed up to be in the public eye, and I was still surprised by how horrible the comments could get,” Nina admitted. “So I get it. But they don’t know you or Lamar. They don’t know shit. And honestly, they don’t matter.”
“Nina’s right. They don’t matter! What are Lamar’s thoughts on this?” Aaliyah wondered.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged even though they couldn’t see me. “I haven’t talked to him about it because I just found out about all this last night before bed. I called the two of you as soon as I left work, so I don’t know. He’s still at practice.” I hesitated. “But honestly, this is embarrassing.”
“Theyshould be embarrassed, not you,” Nina argued.
“Yeah, they should,” I agreed. “But if Lamar has seen this, has been sent this, that is embarrassing—”
“You should tell Lamar so he knows what’s going on,” Aaliyah suggested, interrupting what I was saying. “But I don’t want you to feel embarrassed by this because you are not the embarrassment in this situation—”
“I love you both, but I want you to hear me,” I interjected. “I’m not saying thatI’membarrassing or that any of the bullshit they are saying is true. I’m saying that thissituationis embarrassing. Lamar is new to the active roster. He’s living his dream. And because he was my date to the party, they are critiquing me instead of talking about how well he did on Sunday.”
“Ahmad said he did really good in the game,” Aaliyah mentioned.
I nodded. “He did. But listen to this…” I went to the screenshot I took of the popular comment. “DaPrize48237 said, ‘I think we should all question Hollywood’s ability to be a leader on the field when wesee him making questionable choices off the field. The big-backed beauty may be an anchor to his career and until he frees himself from the deadweight, he won’t be able to elevate his career. As soon as Channing got with the model Lourdes, he elevated and quickly. When they separated, he wasn’t playing so hot last year. And their divorce finalized and that same week, he tears his meniscus. The moral of the story is that if Hollywood wants to see success on the field, he needs to see it off the field. For that reason, I can’t vote for him for Defensive Player of the Month.’ That has six thousand likes, almost double that in shares! That’s bullshit for several reasons, but Lamar’s level of play deserves to be rewarded and not hindered by this. And I don’t deserve to be disrespected for no fucking reason!” I let out an angry shout.
“The fact that you seem more concerned about how it affects him than how it affects you tells me that you love him,” Aaliyah said in a dreamy tone.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel because a week and a half ago, I told him I wanted to be with him, and he… isn’t interested in that. So—”
“Wait, what?!” Aaliyah screeched.
“Explain,” Nina reacted.
I told them about the conversation. For them to understand the circumstances, I told them about him tying me up, and the conversation deviated for at least ten minutes because I had never had back-to-back orgasms like that before. But when I got them back on track, I told them verbatim what was said… and not said.
“You should talk to him about all this. He didn’tsayhe didn’t want to be with you,” Aaliyah reasoned.
“He didn’tsayanything,” Nina pointed out. “I mean, I believe he does. But I feel where you’re coming from, Jazz.”
I let my head fall back. “Either way, he told me from the beginning that he was too busy for a relationship, so I’m not mad at him. But now with him not saying anything and then the rumors that we’re together and then the bullshit people are saying… that’s a lot.”
“He’s a big boy,” Aaliyah pointed out. “He can take it.”
“Well, I don’t know ifIcan,” I replied. “With him being a publicfigure and me hating all these unnecessary eyes on me, I think it’s for the best that he’s too busy for a relationship. I’m not trying to put myself through that again unnecessarily.”
“These people don’t matter, Jazz,” Nina reminded me. “And if they don’t matter, they don’t get to have any kind of power over you. Give it twenty-four more hours, and they’ll have a new story in the news cycle.”
