“Grieving it all and regretting it all. Feeling helpless, out of control…all these fuckin’ feelings. They’re on overload.”
She watched him take a long sip and then place his glass down. “Tell me what’s the most prevalent.”
Erys pulled in a breath and pushed it out slowly. “Sadness. Fuckin’ sad. That man was larger than everything. So everything I felt toward him had to be bigger than that. I had to show and make him feel that pain I felt. Not just my mother’s pain. But mine. We can joke all day but the pain is he was three blocks over and he was too stubborn and I wasn’t even fully developed to realize we needed each other. So I sit in this feeling of regret and sadness. Because if it’s fuck everything he was, at his core, he’s my father. And I’m thirty-five with a small window left to have my father.”
Remedy wiped the tears that fell from his eyes. “What you’re feeling is normal, E. You’re human. And learning how to heal the most precious part of yourself.”
“What’s that?” he posed.
“Your little boy. Dare I say it, it’s the abandonment you feel. I’m familiar with it. The trouble with that is, if we don’t let it go, we won’t grow,” Remedy buzzed.
He repositioned himself to lay in her lap and she welcomed it. Caressing the top of his head and the side of his face, like May used to do to her. “You know, what I think might help you is hearing his story. No matter how ugly, how dark, how nasty it is. You went away and fought wars that weren’t yours while Ernie self-medicated and ran from wars that were his. Consider this your second chance at getting it right. Heal your inner child and his.”
“How are you going to heal yours?” Erys asked.
“By living without fear keeping me stuck. Every day I wake up next to you is a day I’m choosing to walk by faith. Small things like that. You know, not being so…what’d you call me, mean and stubborn as fuck?”
“I called your ass possessive and you’re proving that you aren’t playing about us.”
“Oh, baby I’m not. You hit that spot now I’m crazy, congratulations,” she teased.
Erys picked up her hand and kissed the palm. “You been crazy, I just knew how to bring it out. No one else is walking around slapping a known killer. Anyway, you ready for tomorrow?”
“Scared, but I already said yes and once I say yes, I don’t typically back out.”
“I’m proud of you, Rem. For real. If you ever think you’re not doing enough, remember you’re doing beyond it.”
“Thank you, Franklin, I appreciate it. You too. For real. You’re like the most pleasant surprise a girl could ask for.”
“You too, Mouth. Got a nigga cuddling and shit.”
“You’ve never been held and it shows. You end up in my arms every night.”
“Shit is safe, warm, and you smell good,” he muttered, kissing her knee. “This has been the best sleep I’ve gotten in my whole life.
Remedy settled under him. Erys snuggled against her. “Go to sleep.”
“You too. You’ve been fighting all day.”
Remedy chuckled and kissed the top of his head. “She called you handsome, I wasn’t having it.”
“Keep that energy. I like that shit.”
“I know, because you’re crazy.”
Sweat, heavy breathing, her heart pounding out of her chest shocked her body out of the restful sleep. She hadn’t admitted it, but tucked under Erys had been the best sleep she’d gotten too. It regulated her. But right now, her mind was in overdrive and her body was writhing. Not wanting to wake up Erys, she wiggled from under him and tiptoed out of the room. The coolness of the floor was an additional system shock forcing a river of tears to fall from her eyes.
“Come on, Rem,” she muttered to herself as she hurried down the stairs. “This is stupid. Why are you crying?”
The irritation with herself made this all the worse. She paced the floor, took the deep breaths, but it wasn’t until she laid on the floor like May used to tell her. Flat on her back, eyes closed, Remedy focused on what she could feel, hear, and smell. Her eyes didn’t open until she felt the comfort of Erys lying down by her and placing his hand in hers.
“What can you see?” he softly asked, her eyes instantly fluttering open.
Remedy pulled in a deep breath and let her tearful orbs fall on him. “You.”
“What can you hear?” he continued.
“The house, it’s still.”
