“Charley!” Jen hugged me like a long-lost friend, which I was. She started crying, and squeezed me tighter.
In the background, Mom’s wails rose to a crazy pitch, breaking the moment.
“Wow,” Jen said, wiping her eyes. “Your mom’s totally freaking out.”
“Three thousand milesisa long way away,” I said.
“She’ll come around,” Em said. “She just needs some time to adjust. The thing is”—now her voice cracked—“we just got you back.”
Emotion welled, but I didn’t cry. Because I didn’t feel like I was back. I felt trapped in an unnamed place, caught somewhere between Nil and here, and I hadn’t figured out yet how to pull myself out.
Jen squeezed my hand, and just like old times, the three of us sat on my bed. Em took my other hand, her fingers wrapping around mine.
“Charley.” Her voice was tentative. “Do you remember anything yet? It’s okay if you don’t. It’s just—you were gone so long…”
Em’s eyes begged for understanding. I looked away, knowing Jen’s face reflected more of the same: curiosity, worry, fear, hope. It was their hope that hurt the most, because I knew that to lose it was final, and devastating.
I took a steadying breath.
“There was a boy,” I said quietly. “He saved me.” I paused, fighting the emptiness inside. “His name was Thad.”
It was the first time I’d spoken Thad’s name aloud in days.
“And?” Jen said. “What happened?”
No more words would come; they were stuck, in that lonely in-between place. Maybe one day I’d tell Em and Jen the whole story, but not now, not yet. Not until I’d processed it all myself. Right now I needed the one thing this world offered that Nil hadn’t—time.
I knew it was irrational, but one reason I wasn’t ready to tell my story was that I wasn’t ready to admit that it was fully written. That the end—Thad’send—was final. My heart simply refused to accept it.
Watching Jen’s hopeful face, I slowly shook my head.Not yet, I thought.Not yet.
CHAPTER
69
CHARLEY
DAY 51, LATE MORNING
When my mom’s taillights disappeared into the misty rain, I sagged against the bay window in relief.
I was finally alone.
Being alone meant I was free to remember, and being alone meant I could stop pretending. Stop pretending to be fine, stop pretending I didn’t remember. Stop pretending I was whole. Because fifty-one days later, my heart still begged for Thad. I needed time to grieve and to heal—the kind of time only distance could provide.
That was a huge part of my decision to pursue a volleyball scholarship at the University of Washington, a school as foreign to my parents as Nil was to me.If you’re gonna be a dog, be a ’Dawg, not a Husky, my dad had argued. But I was determined, and I’d won. I was also considering going out for the cross-country team, because running was the only time I felt alive, so I ran a ton, and I’d gotten pretty good. But no matter what I did in Seattle, I wouldn’t have to pretend. And I’d feel close to Thad, even though he was gone.
Today was January gray, cool and wet. Not a storm, just gentle sheets of silver drizzle.
I watched it fall, oddly soothed by the colorlessness outside my window. And like I always did when I was alone, I thought of Thad, remembering us.
As I relived our last moment together, anger flared, slashing and painful, then the emotion fizzled as quickly as it had come. Fury had flickered lately in place of the numbness, fueling my latest runs. I was furious with Nil, with Fate, or maybe with both. Fate brought Thad and me together only to tear us apart, or maybe that was Nil; I couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began. And I didn’t understand why.Why let me meet my soul mate, only to take him away? Was my purpose on Nil only to solve the mystery of the carvings, rediscovering knowledge that had been lost? And if so, why take me first, when my work on Nil wasn’t done?
I felt confident that I’d figured out the pattern to the gates, and I was grateful I’d shared my storm theory with everyone in the City. But I never figured out the numbers, not completely.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to know, I thought, leaning my head against the cool glass.Maybe the numbers are someone else’s mystery to solve. Like how Sabine shared the knowledge of the deadleaf leaves, but left before teaching anyone how to brew deadleaf tea.
Maybe I wasn’t on Nil to meet Thad after all.
