“You don’t want your wave?” His lazy smile was full of challenge.
No, I want something else.
“There’s something I need to ask.”
CHAPTER
50
THAD
DAY 330, MORNING
Charley and I had the ocean to ourselves for a while, then the easy waves brought company. Rives and Jason paddled out; Miya too. Unlike Heesham, Miya was feather-light. I knew the board could float her if she just managed to stand up. She did.
The waves were fresh and frothy, and for a few adrenaline-filled minutes, I forgot all about the days.
I had thirty-five left.
Waking up in the City today was harsh. Not quite full-on suckage, but close. The stakes were high, and I knew it; my internal Nil clock woke me up. The tick-tock, the urgency. The sense that I’d better catch a gate, and soon. Charley’s charts were solid, and I knew they’d up my odds. They already had. But in the end, it was up to Nil and how she wanted to play the game.
When I’d passed the Wall this morning, my tired space screamed at me. Holding steady between two crosses, it begged for a check, like Kevin.I’m trying, I thought. God, was I trying.
The triple tease Nil had sent two days ago was her latest cruel call. Three gates, three sprints. I’d never even been close enough to feel the heat.
Shoving that memory aside, I blinked to clear my head and searched for Charley. She was paddling out. Water slicked across her board, caressing her skin like I dreamed of doing every second of every day.
Like an icy slap in the face, Charley’s words from an hour ago crashed back.
Thad, what we talked about, before we went on Search. I asked for something, and you said no. Do you remember?
I’d sat there, feeling my blood chill, trying not to throw up.
I remember, I’d said. Like I could forget.
I thought about it all the time, not that she’d know that. I thought about it during the day, when she smiled, making my heart race and body ache. I thought about it at night, when lying next to Charley was exquisite torture. I thought about what it would be like to be with her, knowing it would be better than anything I’d experienced ever, because this was Charley. And it was exactly because it was Charley that it wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t happen—not here, for all the reasons I’d told her before.
I want you to reconsider, she’d said, her golden eyes determined.
Why?I’d asked, wondering why she was testing me, like I hadn’t weighed the risks a million times over and always come down on the cruel side of no.Why take the risk?
Because I don’t want any regrets,she’d answered. I want you to be my first.
I’d stared at her, stunned, wondering when she’d decided our happily ever after wasn’t meant to be.
So you don’t think we’ll both make it. My voice had been flat.
NO!she’d said. She’d looked shocked, which had surprised me.It’s just—I want—She’d looked away.Never mind. Forget I said anything.
Charley, look at me. I’d worked not to beg.
She’d turned back, and the desperation in her eyes killed me.
I love you, I’d said.More than you can imagine. More than I’ve ever loved anyone ever. And I’d love to give you what you want—God, you don’t know how much I want that—but we can’t. Her lips had parted, like she was about to say something, then closed.
Charley—I’d slowed, holding her gaze—if you really believe in us—that we’ll both make it—it doesn’t matter if we wait.
She’d stared at me, lips parted but not saying a word, and the awful chill had rushed back. My knuckles had tightened on the edge of my board.
