“What dirt? The only dirt I have, the whole fucking world knows about, so the joke’s on you.”
He’d played his trump card. We never discussedthatdirt, and I wasn’t about to start tonight. But I had a few other cards up my sleeve. “I’m referring to the ancient porn stash you and Kyle found in that tree house in the woods when you were twelve.”
A fusion of mortification and amusement crept over Jake’s cheeks.
“Uh-huh, I knew all about it. Who do you think was swiping those antiquated magazines from your hiding spot under the dresser and rubbing it out in the bathroom like a pilgrim?”
His embarrassment turned to straight up laughter as any tension between the two of us diffused. Suddenly, we were back to our easy camaraderie.
“Speaking of pilgrims and porn,” I continued, eyeing him as I made a show of dumping my remaining beer into the sink and then turning to His Majesty and presenting him with a shallow bow, “you do realize that, thanks to the Internet, we’ve seen more naked women than all our ancestors combined.”
Jake’s eyes rounded as he chewed on that shower thought.
“Shit, I never thought about that,” he said, scratching his head.
“Powerful, right?” Now it was my turn to puff out my chest. After all, I’d just contributed to the smut sciences. “We’re so lucky to be born in this century.”
Nodding his agreement, Jake leaned down and swiped the stuffed bear off the floor where it had fallen after ricocheting off his skull. He examined it for the longest time before sliding it over the table toward me and pointing to the words and numbers written on its back in silver sharpie.
Call me. I promise you won’t regret it. LeAnn.
I looked from the bear to Jake and then back to the bear before realization dawned on me. Oh, shit. He wanted to call her. This was a new development. In all the time I’d been with him on tour, sex with a groupie had never been a line item.
“You want to hook up with her? Is that what you’re saying?” I tried to mask my astonishment. Really, I shouldn’t have been surprised. He was, after all, a teenage boy. But things were different for him. He wasn’t like everyone else. Despite being on his way to becoming a musical icon, privately Jake was isolated and reserved.
“As long as that’s what she meant by ‘You won’t regret it’. How am I supposed to know?”
Exactly. How would he know? Jake didn’t come in contact with girls his own age very often; unless, of course, they were fainting at his feet. And it wasn’t like he could just stroll onto a college campus and come out a winner.
I had to get this conversation into a place where Jake didn’t look like he was going to spew his guts. Leaning in, I read the words etched upon the stuffed animal’s back. “I mean, if I were a betting man, I’d say she doesn’t mean you’ll regret not listening to her talk endlessly for hours on end. But women are a goddamn mystery, so don’t mark my words on that.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“I think you should take your chances. The worst that can happen is you’ll get a new chatty best friend. And the best – well, you know, you’ll be on your way to pound town, son.”
Just by the way he diverted his eyes to the ground told me I’d overestimated what heknew. The obvious question of his virginity now tottered on the edge of my mind – which he promptly read.
Shifting uncomfortably, Jake clipped me off before I could even ask. “No. I haven’t.”
“And, uh, you want your first time to be with Yogi Bear?” I asked, my eyes diverting to the stuffed animal in question.
“Not specifically with the bear, no.” He grinned, breaking the tension in the room and bringing his eyes back up to meet mine. “The girl who threw the bear up on stage – yes.”
“So you saw her, and there won’t be any nasty surprises?”
“I saw her. She’s hot.”
“Oh, whew. I mean there’s nothing wrong with the aesthetically disadvantaged. Like I always say, never be afraid to plow some 4’s here and there.”
“Really? You always say that?”
“What? It’s clinically proven that having low standards automatically quadruples your chances of getting laid.”
Jake shook his head, but there was no hiding the amusement. “I should have asked someone else for advice.”
“Right. Because Lassen’s a regular old sex guru.”
“Actually, he is. Did you know Lassen’s been married three times and, he hasn’t said it in so many words, but I think he was married to more than one wife at a time.”
