Keith considered my words for the longest time before shaking his weary head. “Not even close.”
“Then make the change. Reach in there and find your strength. And then once you’ve got it, pass a little on to Jake. He needs his big brother.”
Keith dropped his head and slumped his shoulders. “He doesn’t need me. He needs a miracle.”
“He already got his miracle.”
“Did he? I’m not so sure of that.”
“He’s alive.”
“Barely. And what’s left of him…” Keith shook his head.
“He’s alive,” I stopped him. “And that’s more than I can say for Sullivan. As long as Jake’s still breathing, as long as you’re still breathing, you have the power inside you to turn this around. But Keith, listen to me – you’ve got to stop messing with Fate. It’s not going to give you unlimited chances.”
“I know,” he replied, raking his fingers through his patchy stubble.. “Maybe I just needed to hear it from you. You’re good for me, Sam. So good.”
I ignored his words because they did us no good now. Redirecting the conversation, I asked, “What are you doing out here, Keith? What were you collecting?”
Reaching inside his pocket, Keith pulled out some seashells, dumping the fragmented pieces into the sand between us. “They’re for Jake. I’m going to see him for the first time this afternoon. He loves the ocean, and I wanted to bring him something....”
Keith stopped abruptly, tears brimming. “But I can’t find any whole ones, Sam. Everything’s broken.”
“Hey,” I said, gently touching his face. It was meant to be comforting, but the minute our eyes met, Keith gripped the back of my neck and drew me in, his lips crashing into mine. There was nothing sweet or loving in the way he kissed me. It was laced with anger and lust and need. Yet, despite the fact I wanted to hate him for leaving me, I responded in kind, pushing my lips forcefully against his. With his tongue sparring against mine, my body, which had lain dormant for weeks, suddenly roared back to life. The thrill of being wanted again clouded my judgment, and as Keith brushed a hand over my breast, I quaked with desire.
The hypnotic connection was broken as he dipped me back into the sand. It was then I came to my senses. This could not happen. We could never be. Reluctantly, I eased my lips off his and sat up, pushing him away with my hands.
“No. I can’t.”
“Why?”
“There are just things…” I stopped in mid sentence. There was no point in telling him about my move, about what my mother had done. He needed to focus on what he could change – himself. I was already gone. “I just… I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“I get it,” he said, his fingers walking softly across my cheeks. “I know I ruined us.”
During these past difficult weeks, I’d imagined how easy it had been for Keith to make the decision to leave me, but now, looking into his defeated eyes, I finally understood. Keith hadn’t ruined us; life had.
“I don’t blame you. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be together,” I replied. “Everyone has a first love, Keith. That’s why they call it ‘first.’ We’ll both move on – and be better for it.”
He slanted his gaze. “You really believe that?”
I bit down on my lip to prevent the tremble. Of course I didn’t believe that, but lying to myself – and him – was the only way I could set Keith on a path forward as I started over in a new city, safe and alone.
Forcing a smile on my face, I climbed to my feet and offered him my hand. “I do. Now, let’s go.”
“Where?”
“To get Jake his ocean.”
19
Keith: Making Contact
Sam had emptied her paper lunch bag, and we’d stuffed it full of shells and rocks. The plastic bags we’d used for water and sand. If Jake couldn’t come to the beach, I could bring it to him. Not that I hung out there much myself anymore. In fact, it was the first time I’d set foot back on the coast since his kidnapping. Something had changed in me, and I no longer felt the pull toward the ocean. Maybe when Jake went back, I would too. Maybe.
I thought back to my time with Sam. She’d been different – remote – and I got that she was angry. Why wouldn’t she be? I’d set her aside – wiped her from my thoughts like she hadn’t existed. If I’d only answered her calls. Seeing her again brought everything back, all the feelings I hadn’t allowed myself the luxury to feel. I loved her. Not past tense, like she’d suggested on the beach. I loved her present tense. But, due to current circumstances, it would be a long time before I’d be in a position to win her back. If I was lucky, she might wait.
Mitch, Emma, and I waited by the door for Kyle to finish his visit with Jake. By unanimous vote, he was the first in because, well, he’d suffered the most in Jake’s absence. And as I waited my turn, I clutched Sam’s beach bag like a lifeline.
