Burrowing my feet into the warm sand, I pushed those graphic images from my mind. Today was about finding peace and appreciating this place I’d called home for the past two and a half years. By tomorrow night, I’d be settled into a new life down the coast in San Diego with my aunt and her two young daughters. And although my heart was sad for those I’d leave behind, I was ready. Living a life free of fear was all I’d ever wanted, and now that it was within grasp, I clung to it with newfound vigor.
But nostalgia was in the air as I sat at the base of the sand dune and looked out over the vast ocean, committing to memory this beautiful place. It only seemed fitting that I come here for a final goodbye. This was the spot that had started it all – where I’d fallen in love but also where I’d gone to nurse my broken heart. And it was where I’d come in search of Keith, hoping that someday he’d find his way home.
Movement in the distance caught my eye, and I followed the figure of a man as he made his way along the shoreline. Like an intruder, I sat quietly on my towel, spying on his private moment. I watched as he dipped his bare toes into the water and occasionally bent down to pick something up from the sand. Then, after careful inspection, he’d cast whatever was in his hand back into the ocean. I wondered what he was looking for and why it was so important to him.
At first he was just a stranger wandering along the water’s edge, but as he drew closer, my heart rate quickened. I sat up a little straighter, attempting to bring his face into view. And even though he was too far away to see clearly, I knew. It was Keith. Wrapping my arms around my knees protectively, I continued to study him. He was walking with a heavy gait now, but that distinctive sway of his body was unmistakable. I’d draped myself around it enough times that now just the memory of our intimacy brought with it a quiver of need.
The promise to Emma had been made before Jake’s return, before my mother’s assault, and before Keith had returned home without ever picking up a phone and calling me. I had no choice but to give up on us – especially now when holding on would do neither of us any good.
As Keith drew closer, I startled at his gaunt appearance. His hair was longer than before, and instead of the shaggy mane I loved to run my fingers through, the strands were now stringy and lifeless. And his shoulders, once so proud and strong, were slumped forward, as if an invisible weight were dragging him down. This wasn’t the boy I remembered. My Keith walked with a spring in his step and a smile permanently stamped onto his face. My heart ached for him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and cure his sadness, but I was no longer enough for Keith. He had a new lover, and she was dragging him into the ground. I wanted to steal him back, but I knew I couldn’t hold onto him. He required help I was unable to provide, especially given that I was leaving for a new life. Anything I could give him today would only add to his sorrows tomorrow. No, I wouldn’t go to him now. It was best to leave him be.
But that was before he dropped to the sand. Before he laid his forehead against his folded knees. And before his entwined fingers rested behind his head with a heaviness I knew all too well. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever witnessed such a lonely and conflicted moment. Keith was a broken soul, on the edge, and I imagined Sullivan at this same desperate moment in his life. There was no way I could walk away now.
Rising to my feet, I dusted myself off and made my way across the sand. Would he welcome my intrusion or cast me aside like he’d been doing for weeks now? Not that it would matter. He would get my help regardless. Not wanting to startle him, I kicked a little sand in his direction to announce my presence. Keith followed the gravel’s flight path before twisting his head in my direction. It took a moment for recognition to flash in his eyes.
“Sam?”
Oh, my god, he was gutted. Bruised and battered. I didn’t even want to know what had happened to him since he’d been gone. Swallowing back a sob of pity, I corrected him – as was our way. “Samantha.”
A tiny smile traveled to his lips, and regardless of the fact that I’d spent the last month wanting to physically throttle him for leaving me, I hovered over him from behind and wrapped my arms around him like a comfortable blanket. Keith grabbed my arms, now crossed over his chest, and tipped his head back against mine, and we stayed in this position for as long as it took for the tension to release from his body. Only then did I take a seat beside him, and our shoulders pressed into each other like old times.
The two of us sat quietly looking out over the ocean. It was only later that I felt his gaze upon me. Slowly I turned my head, and our eyes connected. Reflecting off the water’s glow, his were a fusion of blues and greens and grays – like the swirling colors of my stone. Behind all that pain was the exuberant boy I’d met in class, the one who’d swept me off my shaky feet and deposited me back on solid ground a changed person.
He reached up, gently touching my cheek. “Damn, you’re a sight for sore eyes.”
I froze, craving his touch but understanding I could never have it again. Reaching up, I removed his hand. I wasn’t his any longer. He’d seen to that weeks ago when he’d gone off to fight the battle alone.
“It didn’t have to be that way,” I replied. “You knew where to find me. I would have stood by your side.”
His gaze dropped, and a frown tightened his features. “If you’re disappointed in me, Sam, get in line.”
It went beyond disappointment. I loved him, and he’d basically thrown me away for a pharmaceutical lover. I could spend this time tearing him apart for what he’d done, but that would leave Keith worse off than when I came. I’d had plenty of time to come to terms with the disappointment and could set it aside to keep this boy afloat. “I was worried about you. Where have you been? What about school?”
“What about it?” he grumbled.
“Did you give up on graduating? Because I don’t think it’s too late. I’m sure, given the situation with your brother, the school would work with you.”
“It’s more than a situation.” Keith raised a brow. “Or maybe you haven’t been following the news.”
“Oh, I’ve been following it. It’s a little hard not to. But I’m not talking about Jake right now. I’m worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you hate me, Sam. I can see it in your eyes.”
“I don’t hate you. Maybe I don’t particularly like you right now, but I could never hate you.” And it was true. No matter where life took us, I’d always have a special place in my heart for my first love.
We went back to staring at the shoreline. Cupping sand in my palm, I let it funnel out over my bare feet.
“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” Keith let a breath out, deflating like a balloon. “I wish… I wish I could take it all back. I wish I was stronger.”
I covered his hand with my own, knowing in my heart he hadn’t intended to hurt me. He was just lost and alone and in need of healing. “Look, I’ve been where you are. I get it. But now it’s time to pull yourself together and fight against the forces trying to drag you down. This is your life, Keith – the only one you’re ever going to live. Are you who you want to be?”
