Now I felt somewhat bad for him… nah, not really. His predicament was whatAmerica’s Funniest Home Videoswasmadefor.
“Dude, I hate to say this in such crude terms, but you’re like a giant butt plug…nothing’s going in or out. Kids are piling up, and it’s only going to get worse. So what I need you to do is to take a deep breath and start squirming yourwayout.”
I felt a tug on myshirt.
“Excuse me, mister,” a little voice said. I looked back to find the most adorable little golden-haired girl, no more than four, trying to climb over me. Her pigtails bobbed as she again repeated. “Excuseme.”
“You’re not going to be able to get through,” I tried to explain to her. “It’s best to go theotherway.”
“But I want to go down the slide,” shepouted.
Coming up behind her was her dad. “What’s the hold up? Is he allright?”
“He’s just a little claustrophobic,” I explained. “Give me asecond,okay.”
“Is he dead, daddy?” the girlasked.
“No, he’s not dead. Hey, wait a minute, are you JakeMcKallister?”
“Yeah,Iam.”
I pushed on Lassen with all my might, but he simply tilted to the right and didnotmove.
“No way! I mean,no way!This is crazy. What are you doing at a Chuck E. Cheese’s? You don’t have kids,doyou?”
“I’m here with my niece andnephew.”
“I can’t believe this. Can I take a picturewithyou?”
“Oh, my god,” I heard Lassencomplain.
“I’m kind of busy right now,” I explained, even though the situation seemed fairly self-explanatory. “But after I get himout…sure.”
“Yeah, yeah, no problem. CanIhelp?”
Another child and adult came up behind the dad and hisdaughter.
“It’s Jake McKallister,” he filled in the newbies. They were sufficiently impressed. A camera flashed. And thenanother.
“Lassen, if you start inching forward, I’ll buy you a pastel slinky from the prizebooth.”
“Shut up. I’mmoving.”
And much to my surprise, he had wriggled his big body past the bend and was slowly but surely slithering his way through the tubes. I crawled after him. Behind me was an ever-growing pile-up of bodies. After making another turn, I could see the slide directlyahead.
“That’s it, buddy. Just follow thelight.”
Lassen didn’t find me funny in the least. His panting was out of control, like a dog in some serious heat. Through the power of sheer will and terror, though, my driver mercifully arrived at the top of the slide; but instead of maneuvering his body around and taking the ramp on his ass, Lassen just inched his body forward and slid down head-first like a rag doll. When he got to the bottom, Lassen oozed his exhausted body off the slide and collapsed intoaheap.
Sydney, still holding Riley’s hand, walked over and nudged him with her shoe. “You okay there,bigman?”
I didn’t hear Lassen’s reply but, by the look of surprise on Syd’s face, he hadn’t used a PG-13word.
After rescuingLassen from his living hell, we allowed him to lick his wounds in a far corner, while the kids and I continued to play. True to my word, I began buying the place out of tickets so I could win my niece her coveted giant pastel slinky. Syd’s bargain prize was understandably impressive. I should have known it wouldn’t be your average everyday slinky. No, this one was the size of a large possum, and somehow we were going to have to make room for it in the confines of the tour bus. Riley went for a less remarkable yet still highly satisfying Nerf gun. They werehappy.
Less happy was Vadim, who’d been forced to call in back-up when my presence at Chuck E. Cheese began making the rounds on social media. Crowds surged through the front doors as Vadim shuttled us into a private party room. While waiting for rescue, the kids and I used the left overFrozenparty supplies to decorate Vadim. At six foot five and a solid wall of human steel, the man didn’t flinch once; but then after the incident with Riley in the plane, he really didn’t have room fordissent.
Once safely in the car on our way back to the venue, I struggled to keep my weary eyes open. Never had I needed a nap more than today. Casey was right. I should’ve started off small. From this day forward, it was T-ball all the wayforme.
