“Casey,” I gasped, “You’re sort of strangling merightnow.”
I felt her grip suddenly detach as she scrambled onto the boat, not even looking back. It was then that I realized she hadn’t been trying to save me. Casey had been using me as a human shield against the fishy hooligans who ruled the sea. The thought occurred to me that I was lucky this wasn’t a real lifeJawssituation because I’d most definitely be deadbynow.
* * *
The following day,we tried our luck at another water sport, this one above the water line. Renting jet skis, Casey and I quickly acclimated ourselves to the machines and were thrashing through the waves at breakneck speeds having a frolicking good time until something behind me caught myattention.
“I think we’re being followed,” I shouted to Casey. She immediately looked back to see a man trailing us. He was a big guy, with a shiny bald top and a GoPro camera strapped to his forehead. It hadn’t occurred to me that I might get recognized out on the water, so my bodyguard had stayed on shore. Maybe the best approach would be to let this guy take his picture so he would then leave me be; however, such an outcome was never guaranteed. Sometimes the photo chasers graciously disappeared after getting their shot, but other times, they morphed into flesh-eating bacteria. There was never any way to gauge the direction of any particular encounter until the gangrenesetin.
I turned to Casey to get her opinion, only to find her standing up on her jetski looking like a goddess in her yellow bikini top and jeans shortscombo.
“Let’s dust him,” she said, flashing me her most mischievous smile. Oh, hot damn! That’s what I liked to hear. I had my very own personal Charlie’s Angel. She took off like a bolt of lightning and I whooped my approval of her can-do attitude. Pushing down on the throttle, I took off after her. In a life filled with uncertainty, Casey was the one path I alwaysfollowed.
We rode through the choppy waters, leaving the shutterbug in our wake. My sexy wife suddenly turned into the fiercest of competitors as the two of us hit the choppy waters at top speeds, sending our jetskis airborne on multiple occasions. No way was that follicly-challenged hanger-on with the geek headgear going to keep up withmygirl.
It wasn’t until we’d circled back around that we saw the unmanned jetski bobbing on the surface, and its passenger flailing in the water. Casey and I exchanged glances. I could already tell what was going through her mind before she even opened hermouth.
“He’s wearing a life vest.” I shrugged, as if that might get me out of having to rescue my water-stalkeratsea.
“We can’t just leave him out here. There’s nobodyaround.”
“Sure we can. We’ll gogethelp.”
“And what if we can’t remember where we left him and he drowns? We’ll never forgiveourselves.”
“Actually, I might not be all that heartbroken,” I said. Casey raised a brow at me as she fixed an angry scowl on her face. Strangely enough, she appeared more amused than anything else, probably because she knew I wasn’t going to let the dudedrown.
“Oh, fine!” I huffed. “We’ll rescue him. But I get to be PamelaAnderson.”
We sped toward the thrashing photographer as I assessed the situation. His jetski had drifted away from him and he was now floating onhisback.
Pulling up next to him, I asked, “Can you swim to yourjetski?”
“Can’t swim.” The man was panting something fierce. “Toofat.”
I fought the urge to laugh at his straightforward comment. He was a big guy, no doubt, but all of his weight was carried smack dab in the middle of the most magnificent beer belly I’d ever laid eyes on. He could have been carrying septuplets in there. I had to give the guy some credit – that kind of extended gut required a lifelongcommitment.
“Okay, hang on. I’ll go get yourjetski.”
Trying to maneuver one machine while riding another wasn’t easy, and by the time I returned, the guy had propped himself up onto the footboard of Casey’s jetski and the two were having a full-on, lighthearted conversation complete with unbridled laughter. Did she have to make friends witheveryone?
“…and with all those girls,” she said, shaking her head at her new buddy. “That’simpressive.”
You know what else was impressive? Me… dragging a 600-pound jetski through the water withonehand!
Casey finally acknowledged my presence, her eyes sparkling with enthusiastic wonder. “Jake, Tony’s on his twenty-fifth anniversary. He and his wife have four daughters. He was hoping to get a picture with you to show his girls. Isn’t thatsweet?”
I wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand, struggling to find the joy in Tony’s awesome home life. What the hell did I care how many years he’d been married or how many children he’d sired? The fact remained he was cock-blocking me on myhoneymoon.
“Yeah, awesome. Can you pull yourself up ontotheseat?”
“Man, I can barely get off thetoilet.”
Casey laughed like he was some top-rated stand-up comic before looking back at me to confirm my reaction was similar to hers. It wasn’t. Not even close. This guy was wasting my time. I could be back at the hotel getting it on with my new wife; but no, I had to save his sorry assfirst.
“You can at least try to lift yourself up,right?”
“I guess I could try. If it’ll make youhappy.”
