“Would sneaking out of the hotel in the middle of the night be tooextreme?”
“For the average human, no. But with your name on the guest registry, we are screwed. You’re just going to have to call for maintenance to come andplungeit.”
“Whyme?”
“No way am I going to stand there and have them thinking that mess came out of my butthole. You’re a guy. They’d expect shit like that from you. So tospeak.”
“I feel like this is a good time to remind you that flushing the cake down the toilet was your college-educatedidea.”
“Yes. And clearly it was a poor one, but now you’re going to have to cover up my crime and dispose of the body. That’s what goodhusbandsdo.”
* * *
Before tonight,the luxury suite we’d booked for our honeymoon had been all it was promised to be. Casey and I had been so pleased with the accommodations we hadn’t found a reason to leave the room… until this very moment. Now, I’d rather be anywhere in the worldbuthere.
“This way,” I said, opening the door wider and letting the maintenance guy in. I followed behind in a solemn procession, knowing that what I had to show him would be uncomfortable for the both of us. Scanning the room, I searched for Casey, already knowing what I’d find – nothing. She was gone… abandoning me in my time of need. We’d only been married three days, and she’d already shown her truecolors.
Standing in the doorway as the man entered the bathroom, I braced myself for the reaction. There was no explanation that would make sense so, when he turned toward me with question in his eyes, I just kept my mouth shut. Embarrassment colored my cheeks as I shrugged my shoulders and averted my eyes. Really, no clarification was needed, and he knew it. As horrible as it might be, this was his job, and I comforted myself with the possibility that perhaps this experience might inspire him to go back to school and get aneducation.
Seeing no reason to prolong the inevitable, I stepped back, leaving him alone to clean up the mess we’d made. My ears were assaulted by deep gurgling sounds that resonated through the walls. Again, embarrassment seeped through. Whatever was happening in there, I didn’t want to know. From the corner of my eye, I saw movement behind the drapes. Casey! The coward. Oh, no, she wasn’t getting out ofthisone.
Like a cheetah, I sprang from the bed and lunged for her. She screamed, making a run for it, but I was too quick and grabbed her. Casey swung her legs up in an impressive attempt to escape me. Her screams were loud enough to bring the maintenance man rushing from the bathroom, plunger in hand. Sweat and confusion dripping down hishorrifiedface.
“It’s okay. Sorry. Sorry.” Casey held her hands up to calm the man before breaking into a chorus of giggles so impressive that it made her McDonald’s fit seem tame. “We’re just joking around,” she said hiccupping through the hysterics. “Sorry.”
Not appearing the least bit amused, the disgruntled hotel worker turned away and bravely returned to the task at hand, mumbling something in Spanish under his breath. Oh, yeah, his silence was going tocostme.
* * *
There weretwo things wrong with our sunset snorkeling adventure. One, it was at sunset; and two, it involved snorkeling. The name itself should have tipped Casey off that she wasn’t going to like this particular adventure, yet not once during the planning process had she voiced any objections. It wasn’t until we were on the boat headed for Chileno Bay that my bride shared with me her traumatic snorkeling experience as a child. Apparently an unruly clownfish had tried to French kiss her off the coast of Mexico when she was ten, causing Casey to gasp in shock and suck a gallon of water down her tube, nearly drowning her in theprocess.
Or so she says. If you asked me, there seemed to be a lot of embellishing going on in her version of events. Casey had never been known for her factual storytelling. For example, her clownfish was named Pennywise and had long razor-like teeth as well as a propensity for head-butting unsuspected snorkelers. One thing was for certain: I’d be fact checking her story with Linda as soon as we came home. But for now, I had bigger issues at hand – namely that I was in the ocean at sunset with my newly minted wife strapped to my back like a tortoise shell. With her arms wrapped tightly around my neck and legs around my waist, I was struggling to stay afloat in this lop-sidedembrace.
How we’d gotten into this predicament was easy to pinpoint. Moments earlier, our well-meaning tour guide had tossed some food in the ocean directly in front of us, causing an aquatic flash mob to form around us. School was in session, and its tens of thousands of pupils were swirling around us at a dizzying speed. Casey jolted her head out of the water, and I could hear her screaming before I’d had a chance to resurface myself. Even with the goggles covering the vast majority of her face, I could see the terror playing out inhereyes.
“They’re sucking me into their vortex,” Casey shouted before lapping up a healthy mouthful of sloshing waves. As she gagged and flailed, her grip on my neck tightened and she proceeded to choke the life outofme.
“They’re just fish,” I wheezed. “They can’thurtyou.”
“Tell that to the victimsinJaws.”
“Well, that wasn’treal,so…”
“And what about the fatalities inSharknado?”
“Okay, reallynotreal.”
“Look, I just hate fish, okay?” she said, with the whiniest of pouts. “They think they run theocean.”
“Yeah.” I agreed. “Who do they thinktheyare?”
“Exactly. I’m not even going to eat them anymore. That’s how much Ihatethem.”
“Shellfish too?” I asked, knowing full well that anything with shrimp in it was her very favoritemealever.
“Let’s not go crazy here,” Casey replied, clearly amused by the conversation while remaining sufficiently terrified. “Look, I realize we’ve only been out here three minutes, but I want to go back to the boat.” A gurgle sounded from her throat after all the water she’d consumed. “I’m totally cool with waiting for you to swim but, babe, I’m done snorkeling for thislifetime.”
Seemingly determined to put the nail in the coffin of our snorkeling trip, the guide ignorantly dipped his hand back into a bucket and tossed yet another handful of food into the whirlpool. The grip around my neck tightened into a noose as Casey, not waiting around for me to rescue her, tipped us both backward and swam out ofharmsway.
