Because of the helicopters overhead,the outdoor portion of our wedding pictures was canceled and everything was taken inside the church after the ceremony. It was just as well since the temperature had already hit triple digits. I’d planned my tour schedule around an August wedding, giving myself four weeks off between the end of the European leg of the tour and the beginning of the Asian shows. Since the decision to move the wedding from Southern California to Arizona happened after the tour had already been set and tickets had been sold, there was no option but to marry in August… when it was hot as ballsoutside.
Because of security issues, those of us from the wedding party were given a police escort to the reception where our other guests were waiting. Originally the plan had been for Casey and me to leave the church in our own limo, but we didn’t want the police to make a separate trip just for us, so we hitched a ride with Kyle, Kenzie, andKeith.
The crowd of well-wishers who’d been pushed back earlier in the day were now crowding on the small two-lane road leading out from the church. Some people held signs or flowers, but one committed woman stood on the curb in a wedding dressandveil.
“Ahh she’s pretty,” Casey cooed. “And look, we’retwinning.”
“Uh-huh, and by the looks of it,” Kyle said, “You’re both marrying the same guy. I’m honestly surprised she’s not splattered with pig’sblood.”
“She doesn’t have to be a creepy stalker, Kyle. Be more sensitive. What if she was just jilted by her fiancé? Those things happen,” she said, elbowing me in the ribs. “Right,Jake?”
Before I could respond, the woman on the curb answered Casey’s question by lifting up the top of her two-piece wedding gown to reveal ‘marry me’ written across her barebreasts.
“Whoa!” we all screamed in unison, not having expected such a bold proposal. Casey playfully tried shieldingmyeyes.
“Damn, that was so unexpected,” I said, my vision still trained on the words written on her bosom. It’s not like I hadn’t been flashed before, but this was the first time by a woman wrapped in whitesatin.
“What did I tell you?” Kyle said, a smug look of satisfaction on his face. “Stalker.”
“You know, Jake.” Keith smirked. “If you’d just held out a day longer, you and the flasher could have been so happytogether.”
Kyle was peering out the window with a puzzled expression on his face. “You know what I wonder? How did she write that on herself? Wouldn’t that be upside down when you look in amirror?”
“Try backwards, dumbshit,” Keith insulted, slapping him on the backside of his head. “Kenzie, I thought he was getting smarterdatingyou.”
“Look, bud.” Kenzie addressed him directly. “I do the best I can, but I only have so much to workwithhere.”
Kyle grabbed for her as she squirmed away. “You don’t diss me and get away with it,” he said, throwing himself over her as she squealed inlaughter.
“Oh, Jesus. Happy couples everywhere,” Keith complained. “Why didn’t I ride in thekids’car?”
“I thought you had a girlfriend,” Casey said. “You asked to bring her to the wedding,anyway.”
“I never said I was bringing her. I just wondered if I could invite someone on such short notice. But she wasn’t my girlfriend. We went out twice. I didn’t bring her because I didn’t want to introduce her to the family and get herhopesup.”
“Herhopes up?” Kyle grinned. “Yeah, Keith, you’re the catch of acentury.”
“Well, I’m no UnclePaul,but…”
Kenzie looked around, confused. “Who’sUnclePaul?”
“Only the hunkiest old guy alive today. And did anyone happen to catch a glimpse of his date?” Keithasked.
I thought back to the guests in the church but had no memory of even seeing my dad’s older brother… and a fifty-five-year-old man with One Direction hair and a dark, leathery tan was not easy to miss. Nor were the types of women he normally dated. Knowing Uncle Paul, his date would be ravishing. When we were younger, the women he brought around had always starred in our wet dreams. “I did not. She was thatgood,huh?”
“Dude. She was bangin’… and our age. I mean, I totally bow down to the man. How does hedoit?”
“It’s the surfer thing,” said Kyle, in all his infinite wisdom. “Doesn’t matter how old you are, girls just dig it. Right,Kenzie?”
“Oh, yes. I love it. Kyle’s super sexy when he arrives home smelling like seaweed and trailing sand through the apartment. I especially enjoy when he comes to me crying about chafing and wants me to rub soothing ointment in places I don’t want to talkabout.”
“Um, FYI Kenzie, I don’t cry. I simply articulate, in a very manly way, that I have sand collecting in areas of my body thatterrifyme.”
“I told you, Kyle, you can’t get kidney stones if sand collects in the tip of yourpenis.”
“And you know this how? Do you have a medical degree that you forgot tomention?”
“If it bothers you that much, go see a doctor,” Kenzie said. “Or better yet,Googleit.”
