“It’s not just that, Casey. I should have come clean with you yesterday. I’ve been worried about getting married, not because I don’t want to be your husband, but because I don’t want to let you down. You have all these ideas about what you want our life to be like, and I just… I don’t know if I candoit.”
“Dowhat?”
“Give you what you want. I don’t know if I can be the husband you expect, or deserve, and I sure as shit don’t think I can be the type of father you want foryourkids.”
What the hell was he saying? And where the hell was this all coming from? Trying to regain my composure, I smoothed down my dress and cleared my throat before asking the question I feared the answer to: “Are you saying you don’t wantchildren?”
“It’s not that I don’t want them, but I see Finn and how natural he is with Indiana, and I feel like… no, Iknow… I can’t belikethat.”
The revelation rocked me to my core. I’d just taken for granted that he was into the whole fatherhood thing. We’d talked enough about it, and he’d never voiced concern in the past… or had he? Suddenly, it occurred to me that every time I brought it up, Jake humored me before changing the subject. This had been in front of me all along, but I hadn’t seen it because I didn’t want to. How many other things had he been hiding from me in plainsight?
“You can’t possibly know how you’ll be as a father until youareone.”
“I know, it’s just…I’ve thought a lot about this recently, and I’m justnotsure.”
“You’re breaking my heart rightnow,Jake.”
“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to leave me, but I can’t let you go into this marriage under falsepretenses.”
“I’m going to ask you again – do you want to have kidswithme?”
“I do… but at the same time, Idon’t.”
“That’s not an answer, and I need to know this, Jake, because that’s something we’ve always agreed on wanting – or at least I thought we did, and now if you’re changing your mind…” I stopped talking and looked away. What exactly was I saying? Was I really willing to give him up if he didn’t want to make babieswithme?
“I want them, Casey. I do. But the thing is, someday the kid is going to grow up and hear stuff about me. How can I explain what happened in a way that won’t scar our kid for life? Is it really right to bring a kid into the world who’s going to have to live under my umbrella with all the crap it covers? I just… if I had kids, I’d want them to be proudofme.”
“Of course they’d be proud of you. You’re so much more than just one horrific act perpetrated against you twelve years ago. You can’t base your future on what happened inthepast.”
“You don’t understand. My past will never go away, and our kid will be the one to pay the priceoneday.”
Tears were slipping down my cheeks now. It felt like my world was imploding. The two things I wanted most didn’t want each other. “Your kid will be proud of you no matter what, Jake,” I said,feebly.
“Sure, but he’ll also be embarrassed by me. I deal with enough shame, Case. I can’t feel that way with achild.”
“But these are all things you can work on. You should never have to feelshame.”
Jake looked away, not meeting my eye, and I knew then that he was telling me the truth. This was something that was eating him upinside.
“Okay, look. If you’re not ready to start a family, then I’m willing to wait… as long as you promise me that you will work through theissues.”
“You mean moretherapy.”
“Yes, that’s whatImean.”
Jake dropped his head to study the floor as his hands clenched in frustration. “Therapy makes me feelworse.”
“Then we find someone else. You just have to try harder. I’ve seen you when you truly want something. You don’t back down. So don’t give up on our kids. Bartholomew and Enidneedyou.”
“Who are BartholomewandEnid?”
“Our future nerdy, rockerbabies.”
“Wait, what?” His stunned reaction was tempered only by the amusement playing out over his face. “Those are the names you’ve picked out? They’re all nerd and no rock. You might as well put aKick mesign on their backs. Now I really don’t want to have kidswithyou.”
I laughed. He was back to his good-natured self, and my anxiety melted away. “Well, do you have abetteridea?”
“Um…yeah… like any other names in the entireuniverse!”
