“My nightmare, Casey. I’m showing you mynightmare.”
She stared at me for the longest time, and I wasn’t sure if I should continue or wait for her to catch up. Finally she took a step away from both the barn and me. That was when I knew my words hadsunkin.
“Did he take you here?” Her voice shook as shespoke.
“No. Not me. Others… five others, to be exact, and this is wheretheydied.”
Again she took a step back, but now I could see real fear in her eyes. I grabbed Casey’s arms to steady her. “Shit. This was stupid. I shouldn’t have broughtyouhere.”
“No. I’m fine, just shocked. Give me a second toprocess,okay?”
I nodded, assuming the wait would be long, but Casey was a decisive woman and had a whole barrage of questions ready for me in a matter ofseconds.
“How long have you known? Did Ray tell you about them? Are they buried in the barn?” The last question was whispered, as if she didn’t want the ghoststohear.
I reached into my pocket, pulled out the instructions, and placed them inherhand.
Casey unfolded the paper and I watched as she read the directions. “Is this what I thinkitis?”
I nodded, touching the wall of the barn. “A map to them. The boys whodiedhere.”
“Where did yougetthis?”
“I wrote it… from memory… so I wouldn’tforget.”
“So Ray told you about this place, then? About killingtheseboys?”
“Yes.”
She pointed at the map. “How do you know he was telling you the truth? Maybe he lied to you. Maybe nothing is hereatall.”
“He wasn’t lying, Casey. There was no reason for him to. As far as he was concerned, I was never leaving the basement alive. What did he care if I died holding hissecrets?”
“But it doesn’t make any sense. He killed all the others at the house.Whyhere?”
“These were his first victims. He didn’t own that house when these guys were killed. Ray’s father used to work on this ranch and brought him here as a kid. He knew every inch of this property and knew that the land was so vast that no one would ever hear screams coming fromthisbarn.”
She shook her head, either not yet willing to accept my explanation or just unable to fully process it. Studying the list of directions in her hand once more, something seemed to click into place for her, and she asked, “You’ve followed this map before,haven’tyou?”
Yes, I’d been here before, even sitting by their graves and apologizing for my cowardliness. Why couldn’t I free them? What was this hold Ray had over me? Why did I insist on keeping his secrets? To lessen my guilt, I’d anonymously sent money to their families and prayed for their souls but I’d never had the courage to do the one thing they’d asked of me… until now. Today I took backcontrol.
In that moment, a strange sensation crawled up my spine, raising bumps on my skin. They were here, crowding around, impatiently waiting. Had they known this was coming? Did they see me meeting with the FBI over the past few weeks and identifying them, not only by name, but also through their missing person reports? Had they watched as search warrants were secured and a recovery plan was put in place? Did they know about the memorial funds I’d set up in their names to help their families with burial costs or the interview I’d scheduled for the following day to publicly acknowledge the discovery of their bodies? Did they experience time the same way we did and if so, would they forgive me for taking so long to finally extract myself from Ray’s iron grip? And most importantly, once I gave them their peace, would they finally grantmemine?
Not trusting myself to speak, I answered Casey’s question withanod.
Sensing my fragile state of being, she placed her hand on my chest and whispered, “Why? Why didn’t youjust…just…”
“Tell someone?” I finished her question, shame licking up my heated skin. “I don’tknowwhy.”
We stood silently, her expression twisted in pain…for me. She deserved more but the words were stuck in my throat. There was so much I needed to say to her but that required a courage I wasn’t sure Ipossessed.
“I’m sorry,” Iwhispered.
Casey traced my face with her hands as a tear trailed down her cheek. “Why are you sorry? There’s noreason.”
“There is. So many reasons. I’m so ashamed of myself, Case. I did this. I kept them here all these years. All I had to do was just tell someone, anyone. They had lives. They had families… people who loved them… people who still don’t know what happened to them. I was the only one who could save them, and I did nothing. I was such a fuckingcoward.”
Casey stepped even closer, hands still touching my face. “No one knows what it was like being you… how much you hurt. You did the best you could, and I will never look at you as a coward. You didn’t put them here, Jake. This…isn’t… your…fault.”
