“How?” Casey giggled. “Did you need me toexplain?”
I glanced back at the diagram. Yes, actually. That might behelpful.
“No,” I shook my head. “I meant…howold?”
“Haven’t you been listening at all?” sheasked.
“Sorry. I’m a little shocked at themoment.”
“No worries,” the doctor came to my rescue. “We’ll get a more accurate age assessment once your wife has the ultrasound, but from what Casey has been telling me, I suspect she might be about two monthsalong.”
…and all I heard was,You’ve got seven months to get your shittogether.
Casey was beamingfrom ear to ear as her legs swung back and forth from the raised table like an excited child. The doctor was answering more of her questions, but like before, I wasn’t listening. My focus now was solely on my wife and that look of absolute exuberance on her face. How could I not be happy… for her? I needed to get with the program, and quick. This was happening whether I was ready or not. By acting like some drugged-out lunatic, I was robbing her of thismoment.
Plastering a smile on my face, I grabbed Casey’s hand and squeezed. Her eyes lit up, sparkling as if they’d been created from diamonds. I loved seeing her this way and would do anything in my power, and pay any price, for that smile to never fade from her lips for as long as welived.
I knew what had to be done. I needed to be the man she thought she’d married. The man who’d promised her his whole heart, but so far had only given her a sliver. If only I’d had the strength required to face my issues head-on, I wouldn’t be standing here now, at the eleventh hour, wishing for amiracle.
After saying our goodbyes to the doctor, Casey hopped off the examining table, grabbed my face, and kissed me with a loud smack ofherlips.
“I love you so much. I can tell by your crazy eyes that you’re a little freaked out, but I promise you, this is a good thing.You’llsee.”
Casey stripped off her gown and stood before me in her underwear and bra, her hands caressing her flat stomach. “Isn’t it just incredible, Jake? Can you believe our baby is growinginsideme?”
There was just something so graceful about her standing there stroking the baby she had already fallen hopelessly in love with. She looked like an angel. My eyes clouded in love, I wrapped her up in my arms. “You’re so beautiful,Casey.”
We held each other for a long time before she pulled back a little and ran her fingers over the worry lines in my forehead. “You’ve got that face again. What’swrong?”
“You want thetruth?”
Casey nodded, appearing distressed. She’d obviously learned to brace herself over the years when it came to morsels of honesty from me. She needn’t have worried, though. I wasn’t about to ruin this moment for her. I pointed to the diagram onthewall.
“Where the hell isthewomb?”
* * *
Once we were backon the bus, Casey went straight to the computer to read up on all things baby while I took a couple of Tylenol and lay down. I needed more to take the edge off, like a bottle of vodka, but I didn’t want to offend Casey. It’s not that I was unhappy with the news. I was just ambivalent. The struggles that lay ahead for me were tremendous. Not only was I going to have to take a trip back down memory lane, but I was also going to have to facethem… the ghosts that haunted mydreams.
“Can we talk?” Sheasked.
Casey stood in the doorway, and I blinked her in. She looked different than she did this morning before she told me the news. No, there was no baby pouch or telltale signs of pregnancy, but there was definitely a change to her. She was calm and serene, as if the baby she was carrying had brought her the confidence and happiness to alter her entire mindset. I envied her. Would I ever get to the sameplace?
“What’sup?”
She sat on the edge of the bed and lay her hand on my leg. “I’msorry.”
“Forwhat?”
“Not giving you a choice. I’m so happy about this baby, but I also feel guilty because I pushed you into being a father, and I knew you were only doing this to make me happy. And now I’m ecstatically happy, andyou’renot.”
“I’m not unhappy about the baby, Case. I’m just worried about not having enough time to fix all the things I need to fix before itcomes.”
“There’s no rush, hon. Just try to achieve perfection byChristmas.”
“Oh, right.” I laughed. “That’ll totally bedoable.”
Casey climbed over me on the bed and straddled my waist. She batted her eyes at me and used her fingers to mold a huge smile on my face. “I want to see a real smile, Jake. You’re going to be somebody’s daddy. Isn’t that the coolest thing you’ve everheard?”
