“You’re so judgmental, Indy. Just because someone steals stuff doesn’t make them a badperson.”
“By definition, yeah, it kindofdoes.”
Shelby sighed overemotionally as if our conversation was suchabore.
“Where are you going, anyway?” I asked, flicking my eyes over her stripper outfit. “You said it was abusinesstrip.”
“It is. I’m meeting my boss inAnaheim.”
“At a pole dancingconvention?”
“No,” she said, as she peered into a mirror and ran the tip of her finger over the edges of her lipstick line. “I’m there to keep himcompany.”
Blasts of fury threatened to erupt from me. I’d been had. This was no business trip. She was the entertainment. Speaking through clenched teeth, I glared at my sister-mother. “Please tell me you aren’t sleeping with thisonetoo.”
“She is,” Gigi piped up, not even bothering to look up from her magazine. “And I’m predicting we’ll have another little mouth to feed byspring.”
Shelby grabbed her purse as she rolled her eyes. “Haha…hilarious.”
“I wasn’t kidding,” Gigi whispered, nudging me with hergrabberarm.
Thankfully, Shelby had gotten progressively better at birth control over the years and had managed to keep her live baby count down to four. And either DNA testing was more advanced than it had been when I was born or my mother was just paying better attention to whom she was bedding, since my two younger half-sisters both lived with their respective fathers. Only my brother had grown up amongst the chaos, fatherlesslikeme.
“Look, Indy, I hate to break up this little reunion, but I really have to go. I promise you, everything will be fine. Can I havethekeys?”
“I don’t like thisatall.”
“I know you don’t, but you’re helping out your mom, and that meanssomething.Keys.”
Reluctantly, I laid them in her hands. She kissed my cheek and hustled out the door, presumably to put distance between herself and the scene of her latestbackstab.
Gigi looked up from her reading. “You’re a good boy, Indy. Stupid,butgood.”
* * *
The Grim Reaperof all motor vehicles made it about seventy miles before its inevitable demise. While pieces of the truck had occasionally flown off during the drive, it was the explosive backfires that had caused the most panic amongst the jumpy LA drivers making their way through the desert. People sped up or slowed down in an effort to put distance between themselves and my unsavory ride. Still, I was pleasantly surprised that the pickup remained relatively intact for longer than I’d ever thought possible. It wasn’t until I was on the two-lane highway that I heard a loud pop and the truck puttered to an uninspired stop. I spent the following couple of minutes slamming my hands against the steering wheel and swearing into the phone as people drove around me, flipping me off for the traffic jam I’d left in my wake. Of the twenty messages I’d left for Shelby, not one of them had been answered. But, of course, she’d already known this would happen, so certainly she’d be savvy enough not torespond.
It took me fifteen minutes to push the truck into a diner parking lot – fifteen minutes of searing heat and pain so fierce I truly believed at one point that my ribcage had collapsed into my lungs. Barely able to drag air in, I crawled into the flatbed of the pickup and collapsed onto the mattress, swearing at the injustice of it all. Why did I do this to myself? I’d spent my life being manipulated by that woman, and finally, yes finally, it was going tokillme.
I awoke sometime later, feeling flushed but alive. The pain had receded to an aching drumbeat, and I could breathe easily once more. Stretching out on the padded mat, I was pleasantly surprised my mother hadn’t embedded sharp spikes in it just to drive the last nail in my coffin. Death averted, this time.Sorry,Shelby.
Maybe it was best to concede defeat now, before things got any worse. All it would take was one call to my cousin Bucky for a tow back to Gigi’s place. I supposed I could waste the next two days waiting on the return of my car by watching videos of myself getting brutally slaughtered over and over again. That should perk up myspirits.
I thought about what I would miss out on this weekend, all because I didn’t have the backbone to say no to Shelby. Aside from giving birth to me, she really hadn’t done much to earn my devotion, and I had no reason to keep handing it over to her, no questions asked. What was it with the nasty habit I had of attaching myself to unscrupulous women? Shelby, of course, would always be queen bee; but my ex, Alexis, slid right in there in a comfortable second place finish. In my defense, she’d seemed perfectly normal when we first met, even charming and approachable. But as time went on, she morphed into someone I didn’t know; or like, for that matter. Before I knew it, she was blocking my friends on my cell and threatening to kill herself if I everlefther.
No, I’d managed to get myself out of that toxic relationship, and I could do it again. Shelby had to be put in her place before she totally ruined me. In that spirit, I was determined to not give up on my weekend without a fight. Hell, I’d learned the odd trick or two about cars over the years; maybe all the rust bucket needed was a little tenderlovingcare.
Or maybe not. After nearly an hour of tinkering, banging, and threatening, I could safely report that love did not heal all wounds. The crap-mobile was finished; in fact, I was fairly certain that its soul had already floated up to jalopy heaven. As I stood there drenched in sweat and beyond frustrated, my alcohol-fueled weekend was looking to be headed in the same direction… untilshepulledin.
They say sometimes you just know. They say love can happen at first sight. I say bullshit… or at least I did until she crossed into my line of vision. Initially I just assumed my starlit attraction towards her was simply the build-up of lust; after all, that dress was… um… sinful. The way it adhered to her curves, dropped in all the right places, and afforded me a nice helping of side boob was enough to win my vote for lust at first sight; but it was everything else about her that had me questioning my long-held beliefs. Had I understood the importance of that moment while it was happening, I’d like to think I would have made a bigger deal out of it. After all, it’s not every day you come face to face with yourfuture.
6
Emma, Present Day: StrangerDanger
“Don’t look now,but Dr. Schlong is looking your way,” Frannie reported. “I heard he was banging Big Lips, Fake Tits. If they had a kid together, what do you think it would look like? I mean, there’s no telling what features Big Lips had before all that plastic surgery. I bet their offspring would be butt-ugly. And I’m not talking ‘Awww, isn’t your baby precious?’ type ugly, I’m talking full on ‘Grab your torches and pitchforks’hideous.”
“All babies are gifts,” I answered feebly, looking around in the hopes that no one had overheard our conversation. The disgusted looks on the faces of those closest to us told metheyhad.
