“I need to go to labor and delivery,” I said, standing up and smoothing down mywildhair.
“I think you have time, Emma – at least a few moremonths.”
Was she trying to be funny? I glared atFrannie.
“Okay, yeah, that was not appropriate, was it? Sorry, I’m rusty with random acts of sympathy. I’mtrying.”
I knew she was. I softened my tone as I cleared my throat, and said with as much control as I could muster, “I know you are. You’ve been a great friend. Now go back to work. I’ve got itfromhere.”
“What are you goingtodo?”
“I wishIknew.”
Once Francesca left,I took a few moments to pull myself together before exiting the bathroom and walking down the sterile hallways in a daze. The moment I entered the ward, I could hear babies crying, and panic gripped me. I used the walls to steady myself as I searched for Dr. Kapoor. She was new to the hospital, but I’d seen her with one of my patients a few months before, explaining to a car accident victim that her baby hadn’t survived. The compassion I’d seen in her eyes as she comforted the woman had stuck with me. I needed a little of that empathy rightaboutnow.
“Dr. Kapoor? My name is Emma McKallister. I’m a nurse intheICU.”
“Yes, I remember you. Although yourhairis…”
“I know. Horrible. It was a mistake,” I said, attempting to explain away something so insignificant as colored strands when I had another, more gigantic issue to address. But when that all-important moment arrived, and it came time to ’fess up, the words would not form as I dissolved into a puddle of tears. Dr. Kapoor led me into an empty room and sat me in a chair. She pulled one up herself and waited, laying a hand gently on my knee. Once I’d pulled myself together enough to speak, I told her about the positive pregnancy test, the condoms, the birth control pills, the wine, and all the other things I’d done to ruin this baby before it was even born. “And not only that, but I colored my hair… I mean, what kind of monster am I? This baby isn’t even born yet, and I’m already the world’sshittiestmom.”
Dr. Kapoor allowed me one more shortened cry before she put an end to the waterworks. “First, pregnancy happens even with 100% compliance to birth control methods. Nothing is ever foolproof. As a nurse, you should know that. And second, you haven’t ruined your baby. Plenty of mothers engage in the activities you’ve described before knowing they were pregnant. You haven’t sentenced your baby to a fiery hell. They’re a lot tougher than youthink.”
“Yeah, well, this one’s a goddamn superhero if he managed to get through all those layers ofprotection.”
She laughed, but I wasn’t joking. Leave it to Finn to impregnate me with a near statisticallyimpossiblebaby!
“I tell you what – why don’t we go into another room and do a quick ultrasound? Maybe that will ease your mind and give you someanswers.”
This was good… a plan. I liked plans soverymuch.
“Okay,” I sniffled. “Are you sure you’re nottoobusy?”
“I’ve got a fussy womb in room four. It’s moving slower than a teenager crossing the street,” she said, chuckling toherself.
I guess even doctors who stuck their hands up vaginas all day could find humor in their profession. More power to them. A few minutes later, the doctor was rolling a goopy ball over my lower abdomen, and I was hit with a shot of remorse. Finn should have been here for this… the first look at his baby. He would have loved this. Picturing his face, I frowned. What was I going to doaboutFinn?
“There. Do you see the heartbeating?”
Oh, yes, I saw it. My eyes could not have been wider or clearer if they tried. A contented ache attached itself to my own rapidly beating heart. I listened as the doctor described to me all I was seeing, and waited as she measured its little head and limbs. I could not tear my eyes away from the screen. Slowly the realization of what I was seeing registered in my shocked brain. That fluttery heartbeat belonged to me… to Finn. It was then I knew I would love this baby until the day I died. And, just as my mother had done before me, I would protect his or her tiny life with everything I had in me. Suddenly I couldn’t remember why I’d ever wanted to deprive myself of something as beautiful as a child. A smile so wide and so genuine transformed my weepy, frightened face. The tiny life growing inside me was more than I deserved, but all I never knew Iwanted.
* * *
In no emotionalshape to resume my shift, I let the charge nurse know I wasn’t feeling well and went home. I didn’t even remember making the drive or opening the front door or snuggling with Cynthia until I passed out on my bed. But I did remember thenightmare.
He was so beautiful, a tow-headed toddler with hair that bounced as he ran. I chased after him, laughing. Finn was there with us, the proud smile on his face telling me he was here for us, always. I never knew I could feel so alive and happy. Cradling my son in my arms, I kissed that perfect face. He was a gift, a beautiful perfect gift. Finn and I watched as he fell asleep in my arms. Quietly, I transferred him to his crib and watched the little body tense as a groggy cry escaped those rosy lips. Gently I ran my finger back and forth from his forehead to his nose to soothe him back to sleep. Those sweet eyes fluttered shut once more and I leaned down tokisshim.
“I’ll see you when you wake up, angel baby,” I cooed. Warmth and love, that’s what this was. My littlefamily.
I’d fallen asleep myself, exhausted but blissful. Just a quick nap for Mommy. I awakened with a start and checked the clock. Too much time had passed. Was he still napping? Why hadn’t he cried for me? A crippling terror gripped me as I ran to his room. The crib was empty. Finn! I screamed. ‘Where is he? Where’smybaby?’
Jolting upright, gasping for air, sobs wracked my body. This was why I couldn’t be a mother and a wife. Thiswaswhy.
* * *
“Answer your phone, Keith,”I begged, my hand shaking miserably. Why was it when I really needed him, Keith was never around – but when I wanted him to leave, I could never get rid of him? After several more phone calls went unanswered, I gave up and dialed anothernumber.
“Hello?”
