She twists her hands in her lap, fiddling with her manicured nails. “What if she still doesn’t recognise me?”
I itch to take her hand in mine. “Relax. It’s gonna be fine.”
“I wish I had your confidence.” She sighs. “Every time I visit Mum, it’s like another piece of me withers away as if I don’t exist.”
My heart cracks. I want to give this girl the world, show her how much she means to everyone around her, including me. “She may not recognise you, but if you didn’t go, who would make sure she has her favourite chocolates or all her belongings that remind her of who she is? If it wasn’t for you, Lil, she’d probably have forgotten her own identity by now. You matter so much. You’re not invisible.”
Her silvery blue eyes shine with unshed tears. Not even the sun on her face can brighten her features. “I guess you’re right. But if I wasn’t there, Fern would take over everything. She gets all the praise, anyway.”
“Fern wouldn’t cope with that burden alone. She was never cut out to be a carer.” I take my eyes from the road for a second to look at Lilly, slumped in the seat. “She’s nothing like you.”
She gives me a sad smile. “I love my sister, but I hate that Mum recognises her and not me. Then I feel guilty for having those feelings and think of Harry, who’s never known what it’s like to have a grandma.”
“Hyacinth would have spoiled that kid rotten, wouldn’t she?” A whimsical smile lifts my cheeks as I think of how Hyacinth was with her kids, always doting on them and me. She took me in and treated me as one of her own the minute I started dating Fern.
As we pull into the care home car park, Lilly tenses again, fiddling with her hands. Once out of the car, I wrap an arm around her shoulder. “I’m here. If this doesn’t work, we can leave. We have nothing to lose.”
She nods, her two front teeth resting on her bottom lip.
After signing in and walking down the corridor to Hyacinth’s room, I push the door open and step through, taking hold of Lilly’s hand. “Afternoon, Hyacinth. How are you today?”
Hyacinth looks up from her Shackleton chair. “Shane, what a lovely surprise. Is Fern with you?”
Lilly hides behind me, her hand gripping mine.
“No. I’ve brought Lillian with me. I’ve just picked her up from school.”
She pushes her glasses up her nose and tilts her head as if trying to peer behind me. “Lillian?”
My heart sinks as I say a silent prayer. I’ve never been one for prayer, but I’d give anything right now for Hyacinth to recognise Lilly.
“Hi, Mama,” she says as she steps from behind me, her hand still squeezing mine behind my back.
“Did you have a good day at school, love?”
Lilly lets out a long breath, and a strangled sob as she lets go of my hand and rushes to her mother. Kneeling at the foot of her chair, she rests her head on her lap and sobs into the checked blanket covering her mother’s legs.
Hyacinth looks up to me and back down to Lilly, placing her hand on her head and stroking the back of her hair where it’s parted into two braids. “What’s happened, sweetheart? Is it a boy?”
“Yes,” Lilly chokes out as she sniffles against her mum’s blanket.
“Don’t worry, one day you’ll meet someone who will appreciate you. You’re too young now, but the right man’s out there for you.”
Lilly lifts her head, her teary eyes gazing at me. “I hope so, Mama.”
If only she knew I’m right here. I love her. I’ve always loved her, and I think she loves me too, but maybe more in a brotherly way. If she were to have a relationship with me, it would ruin hers and her sister’s relationship. Fern’s not one to forgive easily, and she’s stubborn. She wouldn’t understand the bond Lilly and I have. What we’ve always had. And that bond’s grown into an unconditional love I have for this woman that I can’t deny any longer.
I lift the spare chair from the corner of the room and place it next to Hyacinth, but it’s for Lilly, not me. She should have some time alone with her mum. “I’ll wait outside.”
24
LILLY
Iroll over in my bed, trying to clear my mind as thoughts of my masked man race through my head. Since he visited me, I’m unable to sleep, wondering if he’ll show again. Each time I think of that night, my walls clench with the memory of his fingers inside me. My clit tingles at the ghost of his tongue.
I lie back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling in the dark room, more aroused than I was before I made myself come in the bath tonight. Before, when I would live out my fantasy in my head, the man was always faceless, which is ironic that in reality he’s still faceless. Only now I picture Shane.
When I imagine someone’s hands on me, it’s his, and it’s his teeth sinking into my flesh. I still haven’t figured out if it’s really him or just my wishful sick feelings. And I don’t want to question it, as I don’t want this to stop. If this is the only way I can have him, I’ll take it.
