“What was my dad like? You never talk about him.” I hold my breath, wishing I hadn’t spoken. The only thing I know about him is he’s a potential rapist, but there must be some good qualities. He couldn’t have been all bad.
Gareth doesn’t look up and continues to chop the carrots. “He was fun to be around. We were twins. Did you know that?”
My eyes widen. “Like Jesse and Jack?”
“Exactly like them. We were the same. He was the more fun of the two of us. More like Jesse’s personality.”
My heart warms. Jesse has always been kind to me. I can’t imagine him being forceful or raping anyone. If he’d said Jack, he’s the more aggressive and moody of the two. More dominant, like his dad.
“He enjoyed hunting, fishing. Anything outdoors, really. We used to camp a lot in the hills. He was an excellent shot. He was the brains, got a place at uni studying recreation and tourism. Mum used to bake cakes and sell them at a kiosk by the lake. Eventually, Dad bought the land and we’ve worked the boat hire ever since. Gavin wanted to expand it.”
Gareth tosses the veg in a pan and fills it with water, then does the same with the chopped potatoes. “Gav had big plans for this land, but they never came to fruition because ofhim.” He spits the word like the mere thought of Kane conjures a venomous taste in his mouth.
“How did he meet Mum?” I entertain the idea that my father never forced himself, even though it’s a possibility. But I’m curious to know what Gareth has to say about the matter. It’s the most he’s ever spoken about my father.
“Alison came out with some friends one night and invited us all back to her place. She was the only eighteen-year-old with her own place. It was somewhere to party and she liked us hanging out.”
“She was lonely.” It’s so obvious from reading her letters.
“One thing led to another. Do you want me to explain the birds and bees to you as well?” Gareth’s tone is mocking, but he has a smile on his face, albeit a sinister one.
“No thanks. I get the gist. So he wasn’t my mum’s boyfriend. Were they just…”
“She was datinghim, but she didn’t want to dump him by blue airmail. She was waiting for him to come home. But she didn’t want to be with him. She wanted my brother, though I don’t think he was into her as much as she was into him. She was just a bit of fun for the summer. Gavin had no intention of settling down. I already had the twins, and he didn’t want to be trapped with a woman and kids. Who can blame him?”
“Did he know about me?”
“If he did, he never said a thing. When Alison had you, she told everyone you werehis. He was in the nick, so nobody gave a shit about her or his kid.” Gareth covers the pigs in blankets in foil and places them on the worktop. “If I’d have known Gav had a kid, we would have taken you in. Mum would have made a fuss of you, although she blamed Alison just as much ashim.”
“What happened to your mum?”
“She passed away about eight years back, not long after Dad. I don’t think either of them ever got over Gav’s murder. It’s a good thing they never lived to see him roaming freely around town like he fucking owns the place. My brother’s body is rotting six feet under and he’s walking around scott free, living his fucking life to the full.”
I wipe my hands on a tea-towel and say nothing. Kane lives with his guilt every day. It may not be the guilt of murder, more the guilt that he wasn’t there to protect Ali when she was forced and when she killed herself. Gareth won’t sympathise. He wants an eye for an eye. Blood for blood, and I don’t think he’ll be happy until Kane’s debt is paid in full with his own life.
“Dinner isn’t for a few hours. I’m going to the local pub for a drink. I’ll let you be in charge of turning the veg on in two hours.”
I nod and set an alarm on my phone. Just like any other day. The boys grab their coats and follow Gareth out. “Are you all going to the pub?” I fold my arms over my chest.
“Yeah, we go every year. Come with us,” Jesse says, shrugging on his coat.
“But someone has to watch dinner.” I huff and walk back into the kitchen. They close the door, leaving me alone. No wonder Linda left. This was basically her life, slaving over the three of them. I set a timer on my phone for when I need to turn the veg on and take my hoodie to my room.
Standing in front of the mirror, I pull it over my head and just manage to tug it over my breasts. It’s tight like I knew it would be, squashing my double D’s down to a B cup. There’s no tag to send it back and swap for another size, and I’m not about to tell Jesse it doesn’t fit. Yaz will like it. She’s into Demon Slayer too. At least someone can make use of it.
I drop onto my bed and read more of Mum’s book. The more I read, I realise this isn’t one of her stories. It’s her diary. Could this hold the secrets I crave?
It’s been months since I last saw Kane. The distance is really taking its toll on our relationship, even though we talk on the phone when he can and send letters. It’s not the same as having him here in person. I needed him when my nan passed away and he wasn’t here. I don’t know when I’m going to see him again, as he’s doing another tour straight after this. I’m not even sure if he’ll get a break in-between.
Cheryl hasn’t been around much. She went travelling around Europe when she finished her A-levels. It was a dream of ours to go together, but I couldn’t leave Nan. Now she’s passed away. She told me to go, but I’ve never been abroad before and I’m too scared to travel on my own. I can’t even drive.
I have made some new friends, though. A mutual friend who Cheryl never really liked asked me out a few times, so I said yes. They hang out at the lake. It’s only a short walk from the house and since Nan passed away, the parties usually end up at my place afterwards.
It’s a pain tidying up when they go, but I enjoy the company of the twins. Especially Gavin.
I’m not sure I’m any good at the long distance thing. It’s like all or nothing with Kane. He’s gone for weeks or months at a time and then when he’s here it’s full on. The last few weeks with him were intense. I enjoyed the sex. I don’t think I could have picked a nicer guy to lose my virginity to, but I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life only ever just sleeping with one man. As much as I love Kane, how do I know if he’s the one when I’ve nothing to compare to?
My timer goes off, alerting me to turn on the veg. Hopefully, everyone will be back soon, and we can sit and have a nice family dinner. I open the box of gold and silver crackers I picked up from the supermarket yesterday and set the table ready for dinner.
