Alison Carter
Died age nineteen
A loving daughter, granddaughter, and mother
Now sleeps amongst angels
I roll my eyes at the loving mother part. Am I missing something? The woman gave me up.
Kane stands, dusting off his knees, and places a kiss at the top of the headstone before stepping back to me. “You okay?”
I nod, pulling the collar of his coat around my neck. He slides a hand around my waist, pulling me to his side with a kiss to my temple.
“Do you…” I pause, not really sure what’s appropriate to talk about at cemeteries. “Do you talk to her?”
“Sometimes. Other times I just come and tidy things up.”
My eyebrows pull inwards. “How often do you come here?”
He shrugs. “Whenever I want. I haven’t been since you showed up, but before, I would probably come once a month.”
“Do you have anything you want to say? I can wait in the car.”
“I said it all yesterday when I lit her cake. Do you want to be alone?”
“No.” I grip his jacket, holding him close like a safety blanket. He doesn’t realise I don’t have the same love for her as he does. I have nothing to say other than why? And she can’t exactly give me the answers I crave. But he can.
I lift my head to meet Kane’s gaze. A light pattering of rain hits my forehead. “Tell me how she died.”
He stares at me for a long time, then presses a kiss to my temple. “I told you it was the bottle.”
“But what? Liver disease? I need to know, Kane.”
His rough palms cup my face, warding off the chilled wind and the pitter patter of rain falling heavier now. “She was mentally unstable, suffering from depression and trauma. She wasn’t like you, Vi. I know she’s looking down on you, and she’s so fucking proud of how strong and independent you are.”
I grip his wrists as he holds my cheeks, heating my face. “What happened?” Tears gather in the corners of my eyes, guessing what he’s about to say next.
“She wasn’t built for this world. Everyone she’d ever loved left her. Even me. She was all alone, Vi, with a small baby, and an illness that consumed her. She never gave you up. For as long as she could, she clung on to you. She tried her best, Vi. You have to believe that.”
Tears drip down my cheeks, mixing with the tears from heaven as if Mum is watching over us. The wind howls through the trees, rustling the brown leaves at my feet. “What happened?”
“Social services took you away. There was nothing I could do. I wasn’t around. She had no family. If I could, I would have kept you for myself, but social services thought it best to place you in a different town with supervised visits. It was the final nail in the coffin. She wasn’t strong enough to fight, but she loved you with all her heart.” He pulls me against him, his bulging biceps cocoon me in a shell of love. His heart pounds against my ear and with each trembling breath he takes, my heart cracks a little more.
Everything makes sense. Kane was in the army. Mum had lost her nan, and was all alone with a baby. I get it’s daunting but others manage it. She isn’t the first person to get pregnant at eighteen and she won’t be the last. But Kane’s guilt is so clear now. He blames himself for not being around. He thinks if he was here to take care of her, social services wouldn’t have taken me away and Mum wouldn’t have drank herself into oblivion.
“Don’t cry, petal. None of this is your fault.” His hand strokes my hair as his warm lips press along my hairline. He doesn’t know my tears are for him, for this guilt he’s carried all these years.
I wipe my cheeks on his jacket and bring my head up to his, pulling up on my toes. “None of this is your fault, either.” My lips press against his and he closes his eyes, burying himself in my neck with a long sigh, heating my body with his warm breath.
“I should have been here.”
“How long are you going to torture yourself? Do you think Mum would want you to live like this?”
“I know you’re right.”
“She would have forgiven you, even though there’s nothing to forgive.”
He bristles in my hold, his eyes piercing and jaw tight. “It’s not her forgiveness I need.”
