“No, you don’t.” My body tenses. “You don’t get it. Damn it.”
“Then explain it to me.” She steps closer, her fingers slipping around my neck. “Kane, please. Look into my eyes and tell me you don’t want me.” She holds my gaze, eyes pleading with me.
Every cell in my body wants to take her in my arms and never let her go. But I can’t tell her that. “It’s not about what I want. You know I want you. I just can’t have you.” I turn away from her so she doesn’t see the remorse on my face.
She pulls me back to her, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing herself against me. “You can have me, all of me. I’m yours, Kane. Since I arrived here, I’ve been fighting the chemistry between us too, but I’m done fighting. I want you.” Her lips press against my mouth, teasing me with her tongue, but I keep my mouth closed tight. One of us needs to be strong. That is my penance, my duty to her mother.
My hands wrap around her forearms, holding her at a distance. “I made a promise to your mum I’d take care of you. What I’ve done is beyond wrong, Vi. It has to stop now. Let me be what you need.”
“What I need is a man who isn’t afraid to admit his feelings and take what he wants.” She spins around and stomps off in a huff out of the workshop, her ass swaying with sass as she turns the corner back to the house.
I pick up my violet pancake, the crushed blueberries mixed with the batter, and the sprinkling of sugar melt in my mouth. Why did she have to look like her fucking mother? Perhaps I could’ve resisted her if she didn’t tempt me with her hazel eyes and stellar curves. But she’s not her mother. She’s her own person, a complete opposite of Ali, in fact. And I fucking love her even more.
With Ali, I wanted to protect her, make everything better, and make her smile. I’m a fixer. It’s what I do. From being a mechanic in the army to fixing the house, and now I’m trying to fix Vi, but she doesn’t need fixing. She’s a strong, independent woman who stopped needing a knight a long time ago. She fixed herself, building a wall up around her. But she let me in, not realising I’m the big bad wolf, and I’m tearing down her defences brick by fucking brick. And with each one, I’m burying myself in a coffin. Because I can’t have her and the closer I get, the more I want her. She will be my demise.
She’s my weakness. Just like her mother was. I paid for one crime, and in the process, I wasn’t there for her or Vi. Things would have been so different. I always imagined living in a house by the lake, kids filling the space with laughter. Family boat trips. A simple, yet happy life with a loving wife and kids
I bought an old house before Dad got sick. I was doing it up, along with a sailing boat. Being out on the water is the only time I’m at peace. I planned to add Ali’s name to the side, but its just another thing I never got around to finishing. The house was lonely, a shell of a dream I once had. It’s still there, dilapidating, just like the farmhouse. I just don’t have the heart left to fix either up for a dream that’ll never be.
22
VIOLET
Kane walks into the kitchen, empty plate in hand. I snatch it from him and throw it in the sink, causing a splash, then continue washing the pots he left from last night.
He leans against the worktop, arms folded across his masculine chest, wrinkling his dirty t-shirt. “I’m going to the cemetery today. I should’ve gone yesterday, but I drove to the shopping centre instead.”
Guilt pounds me in the chest, remembering my mother’s birthday.
The cake sits to the side of him still inside the packaging. My heart takes another hit, thinking of what we did last night. It’s all clear why he’s holding back with me. The love and loyalty he has for her is why he can’t give me what I want. His heart. He doesn’t have it to give.
“Would you like to come?”
I stop scrubbing the already clean plate and glance up into his sad eyes. “Don’t you want to be alone?”
“I’ll take you if you want to come. You’re always asking me about her and I’m sorry if I shut down, but I’ll try to talk about her more if that’s what you want.”
“I haven’t asked much lately because I can see the pain in your eyes when you talk about her and the hurt in your voice.”
“I’m sorry.”
I huff. “You’re saying that an awful lot lately.”
“I’m sorry for that, too.” The corners of his eyes crinkle with the sad smile tipping his lips. “It was always too painful to remember the good times, so I shut them out. Locked them up in a corner of my and threw away the key. But since you came, The door somehow unlocked itself and I’ve been remembering her with a smile.”
* * *
The cemetery is onlya short drive and I feel bad for not asking to visit her before now. It never crossed my mind that I should pay my respects. I’m still bitter and blame her for giving me up so easily and not fighting harder.
I slip out of the truck, pulling Kane’s coat closed to block out the blustery wind. I bought myself a load of new clothes yesterday, but not once did I think to purchase a winter coat. His smell envelops me, and I inhale every bit of him, burying my face as I pull the collar over my nose. A musky scent that’s all him with a hint of oak and oil.
“It’s this way.” He points between rows of headstones in the landscaped park. A gust of wind ushers me along the grassy path. Orange leaves rustle at my feet as we walk under the dying trees.
Kane interlaces our fingers together, guiding me towards a stone angel perched on top of a slab of granite. Despite the wind and the chill that lingers on my spine, a warmness blooms in my chest with how he holds me close.
A large rose bush covers most of the memorial, thorns scratching at the angel’s wings. Detaching himself from me, Kane kneels, pulls out a penknife from his jeans, and trims the bush back, revealing the words engraved on the stone.
In loving memory
