“There’s no rush now. It’s just me. She won’t be coming back.” I slide out another cigarette from Shane's packet on the sofa.
“What happened?”
I hand Shane the notebook. “Open it up where that pink tab is at the back.” He reads Ali’s final apology, explaining everything.
My hand trembles as I bring the filter to my lips. “Turns out, Ali hated me for loving her too much. I smothered her. Made her feel like she had to live up to some perfect version I’d created in my head.”
He slams the book shut. “It’s all in the past. There’s nothing you can do about it now. Is this why you pushed Violet away?”
I shrug. “How can I look her in the eye? I could live with being a monster before. You know more than anyone what it’s like to take a life, but our mission is to protect the weak. Protect the civilians.”
Shane places a hand on mine. “It’s also our mission to stay strong through adversary. You need to make your peace with it and move forward. There’s no point torturing yourself. Let’s face it, Gavin Bennett was a twat. He’d always been a twat, and he probably only went with Ali to get to you because you stole that chick from him in high school.”
“He didn’t deserve to die, though.”
“No, but let’s call a spade a spade. He was no fucking saint.” Shane stands, shoving his cigarettes back in his pocket. “That girl was the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” He waves his hand as though pointing towards town. “So what if Ali didn’t love you like you thought she did? You have a girl that needs you. Now more than ever, and you just let her walk out of your life because you’re on some fucking guilt trip for something that happened twenty years ago.” He shakes his head. “You’ve paid your dues, man. Time to let it go.”
“I know you’re right.” I inhale the last of the nicotine, then stub it out in the mug that’s almost overflowing with ash, just like the farmhouse. Just like my soul. Without Violet, I’m dead inside.
Shane’s radio crackles. He presses the button on the device strapped to his shoulder. “I gotta go, man. Please get your shit together. You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, get out of here. I’ll see you at the weekend.” As he leaves, my phone pings. Glancing at the time, she’s right on schedule. Vi’s text me every day since she left.
Heyyy, just checking in. R u ok? xxxx
My thumb hovers over the call button, desperate to hear her voice, but I don’t know what to say to her. I need to sort my shit out. Smoking myself into oblivion, however good it feels, isn’t solving anything.
* * *
I’ve never walkedto the other side of the bushes where Gavin Bennett lies, but today my feet seek out his headstone.
The righteous shall go into life eternal
Gavin Bennett
Died age nineteen
A loving son, grandson, uncle, and brother
The quote at the top of the headstone mocks me, as if I will go into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life. I’m already living out my punishment. Have been for twenty years. I kneel, my fist clenched as I make the sign of the cross, silently asking for forgiveness.
A jam jar rests against the headstone filled with soil and waterlogged from the rain recently. My fingers lift the wilting violets hanging over the glass, reminding of my own wilting Violet. The way she looked when she left was a shell of the woman she is. I failed her. In my grief I failed to keep my promise and take care of her, but I haven’t stopped loving her.
I empty the excess water from the jar, hoping to give the flowers a fighting chance, all the time, wondering if my girl’s all right. Her texts have become less frequent. Probably because I rarely text back. Lately, if I’m not busy working on the house, I’m stoned.
Rising to my feet, I hang my head low and silently say a prayer. I’ve never asked for forgiveness for Gavin’s life, always thinking he deserved what he got. I was full of remorse for my actions, but only because the ripple of that night affected everyone around me. His family will never forgive me. But now, as God is my witness, I am really fucking sorry for taking his life.
I make my way to Ali’s grave. The same jar of violets nestles against her headstone. I’m certain now they’re from Vi. She’s been here to visit her parents.
My actions robbed Vi of a loving family. A loving mother, at least. Amongst all my guilt, it’s what hurts the most. The girl I love most in this world is the one that’s suffered.
My fingers trace Ali’s name engraved on the headstone. “I wish things had worked out differently, angel. I keep thinking of our girl, how she deserved to grow up knowing her father and her mother. I’m sorry I took that away from her and you.”
Even after reading Ali’s diary, I can’t bring myself to hate her. I could never hate her. But I’ve learned I’m not entirely to blame. I can’t fix everything. And I can’t change the past. Shane’s right. I need to let it go. I need to focus on the future and the only future I want involves Vi.
I reach into the front pocket of my hoodie for Jane Eyre. This book has brought some comfort lately. Reading Ali’s highlighted passages now I know the truth makes them so much more profound. I read aloud a paragraph I’ve underlined, one I cling to in the hopes that Ali can now rest for eternity.
“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened by faults in this world; but the time will soon come when, I trust, we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies...I hold another creed, which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention, but in which I delight, and to which I cling; for it extends hope to all; it makes Eternity a rest—a mighty home, not a terror and an abyss.”
