“Mandy isn’t that old, Salinger. Don’t worry—she could still give you several children.” My mom pats his shoulder reassuringly.
“Mom, I’m not—”
“I gave birth to Amy in my forties,” my mom continues.
“And still no son.” Gran slurps her wine. “Not that girls aren’t amazing, but to be fair, Patrick has a college-dropout daughter who is pregnant by a man who is his age. I mean, I’d want a son too.”
“Mandy is still fertile. Mandy, stop arguing with me.” Mom slaps my hand. “I’m trying to help you. You’ve completely run out of prospects. Lauren tells me that all you do is sit alone with that dog of yours and watch YouTube videos and knit.”
“She’s in a parasocial relationship with several celebrities.” Lauren eats a tiny forkful of her sloppy joe. “Don’t worry, Mom—we’re going to the club. I’ll make sure she finds a man.”
“No, you’re not! You’re not going to ruin her chances with Salinger.”
I sink down heavily in my chair, still reeling, while my mom serves up more sloppy joes.
“Well, isn’t this nice? Aren’t you glad, Patrick, to have another man around?” My mom serves me more salad. “I think this is probably a little too much estrogen for him. Is ittoo much estrogen for you, Salinger? Half of us are pregnant or on hormone-replacement therapy for menopause.”
Salinger chokes on a bite of sloppy joe. My father stoically concentrates on his food.
“I guess I better sign you up for an appointment with my doctor, Mandy.” My mother sounds resigned as she fills her glass with wine from the box on the sideboard. “Just to make sure everything’s working. I’m sure Salinger wants a big family.”
“I want lots of children.” Amy bats her eyelashes at my boss. “And I’m still young enough to have tons of babies.”
“Slap her!” Lauren yells at me. “She’s trying to steal your man.”
“Ooh, you want to be careful.” Gran slurps her wine. “There’s a lady in my book club with ten children, and her uterus will just randomly fall out while she’s eating.”
“These tater tots are really good Mrs. Miller—er, Gale,” Salinger interjects.
“Have some more.” My mother scoops half the pan onto his plate.
“Mom, he doesn’t want all of that.”
“Mandy, this is the first time you brought a man home.” She’s trying to whisper, but she’s too drunk. “We can’t be stingy with the food.”
24
SALINGER
“You never told them.” I cross my arms and regard Mandy at work the next day.
She’s been avoiding me all morning. Finally, she was forced to come into my office to leave the steaming plate of mouthwatering lunch.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She won’t look at me.
“You never told your parents about the stalker.”
“Look, mister, I don’t need you to stomp through my life swinging your dick around so you can feel important.”
“I’m not doing it to feel important—I’m doing it because you’re clearly incapable of looking at this rationally. You are in over your head, Mandy. You need me to save you.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Let’s look at the facts.”
“It’s my life. I know the facts.” She’s red-faced. “Stop mansplaining my own stalker situation to me. It’s not a big deal.”
“Then why not tell them?”
