There wasn’t much time to wonder because an ultrasound tech in teal scrubs called me back. I sucked in a deep breath and grabbed Juliet’s hand nervously as we followed her down the hallway. She led me to a dimly lit room with an exam table and am ultrasound machine. My heart suddenly picked up the pace as she instructed me to put on a thin, blue hospital gown and to lay down on the exam table. She left for a few minutes tolet me get settled, as Juliet continued flipping through a baby magazine.
I lay back on the table and my voice squeaked as I asked Juliet to come sit by me. She scooched her chair over and grabbed my hand just as the ultrasound tech walked back in.
“You ready to see baby?” asked the tech with an encouraging smile.
“Mhmm,” I murmured, trying to keep my nerves at bay.
“Now, since you’re around eight weeks, this will be an internal scan. You’ll feel a cool gel that will make this a little more comfortable for you. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but just let me know how you’re doing.”
I nodded, wincing slightly at the cold sensation as she moved the wand between my legs. I let out a shaky breath, adjusting to the feeling.
She carefully moved the wand around for a few moments before settling in one spot. I watched the screen eagerly, trying to understand the black and white images.
“There we go,” said the technician, pointing to the screen. “You see that little white blob right there? That’s your baby,” she said.
“Oh, my gosh,” whispered Juliet in awe.
I couldn’t even speak as I stared at the little kidney bean-shaped embryo, in awe that it was inside me. This tiny little human that was mine. A little life that I now couldn’t imagine living without. The pros and cons list seemed entirely pointless now because my heart was all in on this. It didn’t matter how small the baby was, it had my entire heart now.
I let out the quiet sob I didn’t know I had been holding, my hand covering my mouth as I stared at the screen. Juliet reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?” asked the technician.
I nodded excitedly.
Moments later the dull sound of athump-thumpfilled the room. It was music to my ears. It was life. It was love. It was everything. I couldn’t hold back the tears then, and was glad I wasn’t alone as I watched Juliet wipe tears from her own cheeks. It was the most surreal moment of my life, and I knew there was no place else I was supposed to be. There was no other role I was supposed to play, except the mother to my baby.
“I’m going to snap a few photos for you to take home, and then we will be all done,” said the technician, reaching over to the keyboard of the computer. She punched a few keys and soon she had me cleaned up and ready to go.
“I’ll let you get changed and I’ll meet you outside with the photos,” she said.
“Thank you,” I said gratefully.
Juliet followed out behind her, giving me an excited smile before closing the door. I quickly dressed, the sound of the heartbeat still in my ears. I eagerly met Juliet and the technician outside the door, where she handed me a set of glossy photos. I smiled down at them as I looked through them. They would be going up on the fridge first thing.
Juliet and I returned to the waiting room to wait for the doctor, gushing over the entire experience of seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat.
“That was so surreal,” said Juliet with a shake of her head.
“I can’t believe it,” I said with equal awe.
“That heartbeat…”
“Magic. Pure magic,” I said.
“You feeling better?” she asked, tilting her head.
“I feel like this was meant to be. I can’t imagine life without this baby, and I haven’t even met him or her yet. It’s the strangest thing…”
“You were meant to be this baby’s mother,” said Juliet assuredly.
I felt that deeply. I was determined to be a good mother, filling this baby’s life with love and laughter and warmth. Never would I take for granted this opportunity of being a mother.
I had the sudden urge to call my own mother and father. This was such a big moment in my life, it felt strange to not include them. I hated that we were in such an awkward place right now, when I needed them the most. It felt like I was being robbed of something, and I couldn’t handle that when I was already missing Chandler too.
Since he’d come over, I hadn’t spoken to my father. I had tried calling him and my mother, but my calls went unreturned. My texts went unanswered. It seemed the tables had turned, since I had done the same to him after I had found out I was pregnant. This was the longest we had gone without talking.
I had seen my father angry before, but never like this. But I had never done anything like this before. I had no regrets now that I had heard that heartbeat, though. Still, the distance between my family and me was eating away at me. Being pregnant and single and unemployed I could handle, but being on the outs with them I was not faring well with. I couldn’t accept my parents shutting me out, not when they were going to be grandparents to this little miracle growing inside me.
