With shaky hands, I reached for the yellow pad of paper on the coffee table and pulled it on my lap with a ballpoint pen. I had to take Juliet’s advice and really look at my situation. I couldn’t keep running from it any longer. I clicked the pen and put it to the lined page, writingproson one side andconson the other, separated by a long line down the middle.
It seemed like a juvenile way of deciding what to do about my pregnancy, but it was all I could think of. It was the only thing that made me feel like I had a small amount of control in my chaotic life.
The cons list was easy:
Unmarried.
Single.
Alone.
Work/life balance not great.
Won’t ever be CEO. Of anything.
My father will kill me.
My mother will give me that look.
I’ll lose my job.
I won’t have money to raise a baby.
I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
I don’t know how to change a diaper.
My apartment is a hazard.
Pushing out a baby sounds scary.
Co-parenting with the biggest asshole on the planet.
Having to talk to the biggest asshole on the planet.
The baby having the biggest asshole on the planet as a father.
The pros list was much more difficult. I spent half an hour trying to think of one positive thing about having a baby, but came up empty, and that made me sob for another half hour.
As I stared at the two columns through blurry, bloodshot eyes, or reallyonecolumn, I saw that my choice on what to do was clear. It was written out in black ink, clear as day. It should have been easy to decide, but despite having everything laid out for me, I couldn’t ignore the feelings stirring inside me. I knew what decision I had to make.
Chapter 30
Chandler
I sipped on my coffee, staring across the hall at Gabriella’s office door. It had been closed ever since I ran into her last week. She was the last person I thought I would see here when I came in early after a sleepless night, but there she was in what looked to be her pajamas, her hair piled on her head in a messy bun. She still looked aggravatingly sexy, but I ignored the thought and dismissed her quickly.
I was an asshole. I knew that. An even bigger asshole for treating her like that when she was pregnant withmykid, but it was for the best. The further I pushed her away, the further I would be from screwing everything up. Greg was probably right about me. I would make the same mistakes as my father. I would never admit that to him, though.
Ever since our disastrous family dinner, I had been keeping my distance from my family. I couldn’t handle any moremotivational talks from Greg and didn’t want to put Nathan in the middle where he so often ended up. He didn’t deserve that, nor did he need it in his final semester of school.
And my mother…I was still irked over her jumping to conclusions and confronting Gabriella the way she did. She had no right, no matter how much she thought she was trying to help. Plus, I knew how disappointed she would be if I told her I didn’t want anything to do with the baby. It dredged up too many bad memories. Too much of her painful past. I hoped one day she would understand I would be no good as a father, and that was why I decided to bolt.
What was best for everyone was to keep my distance from Gabriella, which was why when she said she wanted to work from home I fully supported it. Of course, my email was a little less enthusiastic with a one-letter response. It had been a week without her here, and every so often during the day when I looked up expecting to see her across the way, the closed wooden door of her office was a reminder she was gone. It pissed me off that my feelings betrayed me by missing her smug expression looking back at me.
There was a knock at my door then, bringing my thoughts back to the present, where they had a difficult time staying as of late. I glanced up to see my accountant standing there hesitantly, his bald head glowing under the fluorescent lights of the hallway.
“Come in,” I said, waving him in.
