She looked up at me, a sharpness cutting through her weakness. “Of course.”
I shrugged innocently. How was I supposed to know? The man was getting up there in age. It wouldn’t be surprising if his health had taken a turn. I couldn’t think of anything else that would have her acting like this.
She sighed and finally looked up at me, her hazel eyes filled with fear. My stomach sank to the floor with just that look, wondering how bad it could be. And then she spoke, delivering two words that crashed into me, even though they fell from her lips in slow motion.
“I’m pregnant.”
It felt as though my legs were giving out on me as my knees buckled, bringing me to sit on the couch beside her. I gripped the cushions under my legs tightly, my knuckles turning white. I shook my head as if I hadn’t heard her correctly. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
I figured if she was telling me, then that could only mean one thing. That I was the father. I had assumed we had been exclusive with our sex lives. I certainly had been. We always had our hands on each other, I barely had the energy to entertain the idea of sleeping with anyone else. Though we never talked about it, I assumed the same of her, but now I was hoping it would be someone else. Anyone else.
I couldn’t be a father. I couldn’t be a dad. I couldn’t be a parent.
However way I said it, I couldn’t be it.
The already small room seemed to warp, the walls closing in. Everything fell into this pressurized silence, like I was underwater. It certainly seemed like I was drowning in that moment. I could see Gabriella’s mouth still moving, but her words were muffled and didn’t make any sense. I struggled to understand what she was talking about, but even focusing on her face was difficult. Now, I understood why she looked like might pass out just moments ago. I feared I now might.
“Your mother…”
“Greg…”
Her words pulsed in and out of my head, but it was like she was speaking a different language. I wondered what my mother or Greg had to do with any of this. She put her hand on my arm and gave it a squeeze, but I could hardly feel it. I wasn’t even sure if I was in my own body in that moment. It almost felt like I was watching from a distance. Watching as my life changed with just those two little words.
I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the image of the walls crumbling down around me. I was met with an early memory of my father. His face was so vivid in my mind with a sly smile that never seemed to reach his eyes, like he was up to no good. I never saw through it when I was little, but the older I got the less trusting I was about the way his eyes didn’t light up. Not when my mother would come down the stairs for date night after having spent over an hour on her hair. Not when I threw myfirst pitch at my baseball game. Not when he attempted to teach me to drive in the cul-de-sac, despite my mother’s protests that I was too young.
It was probably because his mind was elsewhere. Probably in Poughkeepsie with his girlfriend and two other kids. He only had so much room in his heart, and my mother and I just didn’t make the cut anymore. We were disposable. We were nothing.
I’d spent too much time trying to run from my past, not spending any time trying to see how it had shaped me. Too proud to believe that anything was wrong with the way I kept most people at an arm's length, pushing women away before they even had a chance of trying to get close. Too proud to believe that my cold, ruthless demeanor could be anything other than what made up a strong businessman, though others would call it something else.
But now, it was like my past and every part of me it had shaped were screaming at me and forcing me to look. I wasn’t supposed to be a father. I was too fucked up. Too selfish. Too focused on success. Or maybe I was scared. Scared that I would turn out to be like my own father, and screw everything up. What were the chances I would be any different from him? Slim. Very slim. If Gabriella knew what was good for the baby, she would either get rid of it or keep it the hell away from me.
I had to get out of here. I had to process all of this. I shook my head, bringing her string of senseless words to a halt as she watched me abruptly stand from the couch. I couldn’t even look at her, let alone form a word to respond to the bomb she justdropped on me. Instead, I walked toward the door and slipped through it before slamming it behind me.
Chapter 27
Gabriella
I didn’t know what I expected Chandler’s reaction to be. I had played out every scenario in my head, from bad to worse, and somehow hadn’t prepared myself for that had just happened. I stared at the door he had just walked out of and slammed behind him, the echo of it still ringing in my ears. The phantom presence of him still lingered, as if playing a cruel joke on me.
Maybe my delivery was wrong, and I should have eased him into the news rather than bluntly saying the two life-altering words, but they just came out. I knew I couldn’t tiptoe around it anymore. His impatience was written all over his face too, and I could feel his irritation growing, so I just dropped the bomb on him. I had hoped it would make me feel better, but I was even more of a mess now, despite the weight of my secret lightening a little.
He hadn’t said a word. I wasn’t even sure he was listening as I rambled on, probably talking in circles because of the bundle of nerves in my stomach. He just had this distant look in his eye, like his mind was somewhere else. Where, I wasn’t sure, but wherever his thoughts had wandered, it wasn’t good. I watched as his green eyes darkened, and then he left, his exit louder than any unspoken word.
After some time passed, I didn’t know how long, I pulled myself from the couch once I felt sure my legs wouldn’t give out on me. I opened the door and peeked my head out to look down the hallway. It was empty. I slipped out of the room and walked toward the large lobby, hoping I could get out of there without seeing Chandler or anyone who would ask questions as to why I was leaving early.
I spotted a few board members, but they were busy looking at the auction items on display. There was no sign of Chandler anywhere. I wondered if he had left. I wouldn’t blame him. I had just ruined his entire day. His life. I quickly stopped by the coat check to retrieve my purse. As I waited, I saw Sandy and Greg coming inside from the golf course. I tapped my foot impatiently as the attendant was in the closet with my ticket. I didn’t want to see them right now, not after what had just happened. Not after knowing they knew my secret.
“Can you please hurry?” I called urgently to the attendant.
She mumbled something, probably about my pushiness, but I didn’t care. I just wanted my bag and wanted to get the hell out of there. From the corner of my eye, I saw Sandy and Greg heading this way.
“Please,” I called out again.
Finally, the attendant came out of the closet clutching my bag. She handed it to me, a displeased look on her face. I thanked her profusely and hurried away, flinging my purse strap haphazardly over my shoulder. Once I stepped outside onto the cobblestone steps, I took a deep breath, trying to fight off the feeling of suffocation I had felt just moments before. I quickly gave the valet my ticket and told him to hurry.
As my car pulled up, thankfully with more urgency than coat check, I slid into the driver’s seat. I looked up at the sprawling country club, and saw Sandy raising her hand as if to stop me with a worried Greg by her side. I shook my head and peeled out of the driveway, the sound of my tires screeching.
I made it home quickly, and could hardly remember the drive back to the city with where my thoughts were being pulled in every direction. I was eager to get out of this dress, take a shower, to try and wash the day away. Once I was done, I put on an oversizedI Love NYshirt and climbed into bed. It was barely noon, but I had no intention of leaving this spot until tomorrow at the earliest. I curled up into a ball, clutched my pillow, and sobbed until I fell asleep.
