My whole body trembled as I turned, bracing myself for what I knew was coming. When I opened my eyes, the room was exactly as it had been. Quiet. Still. Empty.
Nana was gone.
The pile of clothes still lay scattered on the floor. The closet doors hung open, swinging slightly from the force of my earlier tantrum. The room was so quiet, I could only hear my breath.
She was gone.
30
JULES
Isat at my vanity, staring at my reflection, and I didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me. The bags under my eyes were so dark I looked like I hadn’t slept in months. Weeks of barely eating, barely existing, had taken their toll. It had been a couple of weeks since I last saw Chris. Since I realized Nana wasn’t really there.
Apparently, my mind could see into other realities, sure, but I had no control over it. People might think that sounds like some superhero-level gift, but for me, it had only ever ruined things. I would give anything to live inthislife without slipping into another version of myself mid-conversation, during a movie I was actually trying to enjoy, or worse, in the middle of something important.
How many times in my marriage to George had I heard those same words from him?“Are you here?”He asked it so gently at first, but after a while, the tone shifted, the patience worn thin. It was hard to blame him. Who wants to stay married to someone who’s never fullypresent? I didn’t even feel present in my own body most of the time. No wonderwe drifted apart. I wasn’t a distant partner; I was a shell, an empty placeholder for someone who didn’t exist here.
I barely registered the knock on the door. My thoughts were too loud, drowning out everything else.
“Mama?” Liam’s voice broke through the fog.
I took a deep breath, plastering on whatever mask I could manage.
“Come on in…”
The door creaked open, and there they were: Liam, Nova, and George. The kids felt like a breath of fresh air, even if it couldn’t fully lift the weight sitting on my chest. Nova came right to me, climbing onto my lap and taking the brush from my hand. She gently brushed my hair. Liam stood in front of me, his eyes wide and sodamnperceptive it almost hurt to look at him. And George hung back, leaning against the doorframe.
“What’s up, guys?” I asked, forcing my voice to sound brighter than I felt.
Liam tilted his head.
“We’re ready to go,” he said softly, “but I wanted to check if you’re ok.”
That kid.Always so wise, so tuned in to me in a way I didn’t deserve. And, of course, I hadn’t exactly been subtle these past two weeks. I’d barely left my room. Told work I had a “bad cold” and used the same excuse to avoid the kids and Carol.
I forced a smile. “I’m good, my love. Feeling much better. Don’t worry.”
Liam stepped closer and studied me like searching for the truth I wasn’t giving him.
“You look sad,” he said. Nova stopped brushing my hair and leaned in, studying my face with the same concern. I held my smile like it was my last line of defense.
“I’m not sad,” I lied. “I’ll miss you two, that’s all. Five days away… It’s a lot.”
They both nodded, their little heads moving in sync.
“It is,” Nova said.
“But I know you guys will have so much fun with Dad and Grandma.” I hated the idea of them being away for so long, but having a few days to look as miserable as I felt was oddly relieving. “Make sure to call every day, okay?”
Nova grinned a little, looking back at her brother.
“Every day,” she echoed.
“Promise,” Liam added.
“Good,” I whispered, leaning down to kiss Liam’s forehead.
Nova threw her tiny arms around my neck in one of her classic tight hugs.
