Kai tensed, but nodded again, chastened.“I know you can.”
Kai felt guilty, River knew.He felt it deep in the pit of his stomach, a gnawing, ceaseless guilt, as heavy as stone.River recognised the look of it, had seen it in his own eyes in the mirror.
They had promised to protect Ione, and they had failed.
Ione had escaped, had spirited Lina away through the chaos.But then what?Kai’s brothers couldn’t have distracted the priests for long: they would’ve found Ione and Lina in no time.Snatched back their god, disposed of the interloper.
River’s gut twisted.He pressed his palm against the burgeoning bruise beneath his ribcage, basked in a pain that was tolerable, far more palatable than the heavy, ice-cold stone.
Kai’s hands shook as he fumbled with the woven clasps of his shirt.He cursed under his breath and, sighing, River crossed the distance between them.Knocked his hands away, fastened the neat row of gold frogs.Even after everything that had happened at Soliz yesterday, River couldn’t stay away from him.
Enduring alone felt impossible.
“This is pointless,” Kai murmured as River fastened the last clasp.“Maintaining appearances.The… pageantry of it.”He reached past River for a pair of earrings shaped like snakes sitting in a chipped bowl.“Look good, show my face.Weave wards and do tricks.Appease a man I can’t stand, who can’t stand me.”
He looked younger than his twenty-two years, alone and afraid and vulnerable.Even finished with the frogs, River couldn’t bring himself to step back, and Kai didn’t flinch or move away as he straightened the lapels, and then laid his hands there, feeling Kai’s heartbeat just beneath.
“I think about arguing, fighting back, but whenever I try…” Kai stared at his trembling hands.“I am a dog, after all.‘What about Ione?’, I thought.‘If I ward the shrine now, she won’t be able to come back.’But I didn’t say anything.I just – he told me to weave, and I did.”
He let his arms drop and looked back up at River, helpless.“Everything that’s ever mattered, I’ve ruined.”
River swallowed a hard lump.“Kai – ”
He shook his head.“Everything,” he repeated.“I tried to heal Da, and I killed him.I tried to protect Ione, and I stole Menon from her.I tried to save her from Soliz, and I left her there to die – ”
“Ione’s not dead,” River cut in, louder than he’d intended.Surer than he felt.“We saw her escape.Sheescaped.And – and you didn’t leave her there, you – ”
“I lost control of myself.”He sighed, bitterness cresting through the sorrow.“Saviour.With Menon, I’m more a powder keg than some ethereal being.”Kai looked away, blinking back angry tears.“And there is… so much I wanted to tell you, and do, and make up for.And how can I, now?With this – this monumental failure hanging over me, with you and my family and even fucking Saros looking at me like I’m a monster.”He jerked away from River, self-loathing contorting his expression.“How’re we supposed to move past this?How can I ever look you in the eye again?”
River cast for him, one hand grabbing his shoulder and the other wrapping around his jaw.Forcing Kai to hold his gaze – showing him that he could look right back.He pinned Kai still for a long moment, the room silent save for their shallow breaths; Kai’s pulse pounded beneath River’s thumb, but his eyes were clear, lined with wet lashes and made brighter, bluer, by the scant light shining in from the window.
The words caught in his throat, but River gripped his jaw and willed into him with every cell in his body:
I see you.
I know you.
Soon Kai shut his eyes and bowed his head, letting his forehead rest against River’s.River slid his palm around Kai’s nape, delved his fingers into his hair, held him.
You are not a monster.
A noise out in the hall made them both suck in a startled breath, break apart.Several rapid knocks fractured the quiet and Kai grimaced, turning.
“What?”he called sullenly, starting towards the door – but in response it burst open and Cynthia clambered through, breathless and panicked.
“Good, you’re both here.”She threw the door shut and leaned against it, glancing behind her as though she worried about being followed.
Kai’s shoulders fell.“Cynthia,” he said wearily, “I don’t have space for another emergency.Genuinely.Whatever you’re here for, I assure you, I cannot handle it.”
Startlingly, Cynthia grinned, and then scrubbed a hand over her mouth.“Ione’s back.”
She laughed, a short, frazzled cackle.She’d said it as casually as if she’d said,It’s raining; just,Ione’s back.Ione made it out of Soliz.Up the mountain.Through the ward.
Something moved in River’s periphery, Kai, dropping to his knees.Cynthia pushed herself away from the door, advancing until she was very close, her eyes sparkling as she relayed what had happened, grabbed River’s arms, shook him awake.Blood roared in his ears, but he fought to listen through the lightheaded relief, registering a comforting weight in his hand – Kai’s hand.
“Through the sea,” Kai repeated dumbly after she’d finished.“She – walked.”He hung his head back, laughing, shellshocked.“I didn’t need to save her.Ha!Of course not.”
River brushed his thumb against the backs of Kai’s fingers, glad for something to hold onto as he ran through it over and over.Ione was alive.Ione was safe.Ione washere.
