For as long asshe'll let me.
Fuck me. I don't know what came over me. My brain must have short-circuited somehow for me to let all of that unravel and spill out at her feet. My brain's been tied in fucking knots since Brennan showed up the other night all but announcing he wasstaking his claim on her, stealing her away from Serendipity. From me.
Every long-winded thought I had after trying to rationalize the situation, to logically approach the offer he was making her, what it would mean, how it could be good for her, for the kids, fuck, maybe even for me, kept getting stuck on the same damn thing.
One simple truth I couldn't cover in lies.
Lies I'm starting to think I've been telling for longer than I ever realized.
I don't want her to leave. And it has shit to do with saving Serendipity or the kids or what I owe Trent and Lena.
I don't want her to leave.Me. I don't want her to leaveme.
For years I've explained away my attachment to her in my connection to Lena. That it was impossible to love her and not care for her sister, the person who meant most to her in the whole world.
Sometimes, when that wasn't enough to settle the panic that quietly simmered in moments when irrational possessiveness struck paired with insane jealousy—the way it did the entire seven months Liz dated Brennan—I assured myself it was normal to feel protective of someone who'd been by my side in some of my worst moments. Someone who'd cleaned and wrapped my hand when I was stupid enough to burn the shit out of it on a fucking dare at a bonfire. The one who laid into me the night I showed up at her doorstep with Trent at three in the morning, drunk and bruised and bleeding from a night in the fighting cages and then took care of me. Bandaging me up and rubbing my back every fucking time I puked. Sitting with me on the bathroom floor until she was sure I wasn't going to choke to death on my own vomit or die of alcohol poisoning.
Liz.
She's been that person. How could I not be attached to her?
Only the more I think about it, the more I start to wonder if the reckless behavior that started as an unhealthy rebellion to the mounting responsibility I had no choice but to carry, became something else entirely.
A way to be with her. A means of proving to myself that no matter how much she claimed she hated me, if she kept showing up for me, maybe she didn't. Maybe she cared. Just a little.
And maybe I needed that. Wanted it. Fucking craved it so hard the lengths to which I went to get it spiraled out of control.
The night Lena got hurt on my watch was a turning point. For everything.
The look Liz had in her eyes that night is one I never wanted to see there again. And it had little to do with the fury she pelted at me.
That part I was used to. Got fucking high on. No, it was the fear.
Fear of losing Lena.
And maybe it was because I had felt it too. Or because I understood that fear on such an intimate level, but that look, that memory, was the first thing I thought of the night I heard Lena was gone.
And I knew in that moment, whatever I'd find in Liz’s eyes the next time we met would be so much worse. Would pull me under.
My own grief I knew how to navigate, but hers? I had to fortify myself for that afternoon we met with Ryan in a way I've never prepared my heart and mind before. And I knew going in, I would do whatever I could to ease her burden.
And I did.
But here, now, confronted with the aspect of losing her, even if the payout is a chance at her happiness, I'm disappointed to sayI'm a selfish bastard of epic proportions. Because I don't know if I could have done it. Don't know if I could have let her go. To Brennan.
And that one truth makes something else abundantly clear.
There will be someone for her someday.
And starting now, I'm going to make damn sure it turns out to be me.
"Let's go for a ride today," I blurt out when she turns away from me, busying herself at the pantry, likely getting ready to make breakfast for the kids.
She freezes, turning back to look over her shoulder. "Excuse me?"
"It's Sunday," I say, like that answers everything. "I usually get the kids up on horses today. Why don't you join us?"
She laughs. "Because I don't ride."
