“Where are you going? The farmers’ market doesn’t open until nine. I was thinking we could have breakfast before you go,” I say, keeping my back to her, knowing what will happen if I have to look at her.
“Anne wants me there at eight to help set up,” she says.
A tear rolls down my cheek.
32 x 6 = 192
47 - 28 = 19
Her hand settles on my back and my dad’s truck is nothing but a blur as it disappears around the oak tree that the three of us planted together when I was a kid.
74 ÷ 3 = two, carry the one… shit.
“Stevie, what’s wrong?” my mom asks. Concern fills her voice as she spins me around, her dark-brown eyes meeting mine.
“I’m just…” I could tell her. Right here. I could tell her everything and hope that things would go differently this time. “… I wish every night could be like last night,” I finish lamely, the rest of it getting stuck in my throat.
“Oh, sweetie.” She wipes the tear off my cheek and sets the coffee she poured for me on the kitchen island behind her. “We’ll have more. Okay? I promise.”
I nod even though I know how wrong she is.
“Maybe we can watch a movie or start a campfire when I get back.” She offers me an encouraging smile.
I don’t answer her. Instead, I avoid her eyes as she pulls me into a hug. Just as she starts to let me go, I pick my arms up from where they were dangling at my sides and wrap them tightly around her, making her stay a little longer.
“I can cancel today if you want?” she asks.
“No. No. You should go,” I tell her, knowing I can’t have her here today for several reasons. I still have a lot of packing to do, and if she stays, it’ll be that much harder for me to leave. I’m starting to fully understand why I made the decisions I made the first time around, the reason I put distance between the two of us. It wasn’t just because of the way she reacted to my coming out, it was to make things easier on myself, too.
“Okay, well, text me if you need anything. I’ll see you tonight,” she says, giving my hand one last squeeze.
And then just like that, she’s walking out the front door as if this is any other day of the week. As if I’m not moving across the country tonight. As if this isn’t the last time we might see each other.
After she’s gone, I reach into my back pocket and give my letter one final read before leaving it on the kitchen counter for them to find when they get home tonight. One way or another this letter is going to change everything.
Mom and Dad,
Hi. I’m sorry I have to tell you like this, but it seemed like the only way. Plus, I thought it might be a little easier to get all my thoughts out on paper.
I’m gI’m not straight. It’s still hard for me to say, but I know it’s true. I found out that Nora Martin and I have been dating in secret for the last two years. That’s why I was in the woods on the Martin farm that day. And I know why things fell apart between us, Mom. She told me everything that you didn’t. She told me how you reacted when I tried coming out to you before. I wasn’t the one who shut you out—you shut me out, the real me.
And the other part of the truth is, I was never going to stay in Wyatt. I was never going to attend Bower. I got into UCLA. Nora and I had plans to disappear to California at the end of summer, but then the accident happened and I couldn’t remember any of it. I still don’t, but we somehow found our way back to each other and… it feels an awful lot like fate.
It’s how I know I love her. I really really love her.
I also really really love you. I wanted to make things different this time, but I’ve realized, no matter how hard I try, we can’t stay here in Wyatt and be together, and I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not, even if you would prefer that. I know that might be hard for you guys to accept, but it’s how I feel and who I am. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since my accident, it’s that good things happen when I follow my heart, even when it’s hard, even when it feels impossible.
I know you’re going to be mad or disappointed in me or whatever. I know you probably hate me now. Nora’s mom kicked her out, and ifyou feel similarly, I’ll try to understand.I don’tI won’t come back, even though I’ll always miss you. By the time you read this, I’ll already be on my way to the airport. Please don’t try to stop me, but if you want to talk, I’d be happy to talk over the phone once I get to California.
I’ll be okay. I hope you will be too.
I love you,
Stevie
CHAPTER 38
AS WE WALK INTO THEairport, the sound of my suitcase wheels rolling across the tile covers up the pounding of my heart. I check the time on my phone. My parents should be getting back home about now, so I put it into airplane mode.
