This is the type of night I was hoping for when my dad was going to rent the boat. This is what I’ve been longing for all summer. A day that feels like old times, like things arenormalbetween us. And finally,finallyI get it… right before I’m about to leave forever. Our last night together. It’s almost unfair.
And on top of it all, “So Far Away” by Carole King starts playing over the radio.
“Hey, it’s our song, guys!” my mom says.
“Gosh, I haven’t heard this in years,” Dad says. The moment he turns up the volume, I’m transported back to my childhood, when I used to make them play it on a loop and we’d all sing along together.
I try to join in with them without my voice cracking, but it’s no use and I resign myself to biting the inside of my cheek for the rest of the ride home, thankful for the cover of darkness setting in.
I close my eyes and listen to the two of them, my mom slightly off-key but giving it her all and my dad jumping back and forth between singing and whistling.
I shouldn’t have to lose all this just for being who I am, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen after they read my letter tomorrow.
Still, if I’m only going to get a few more moments with them… I’m glad they can be exactly like this.
CHAPTER 37
AS I STAND AT THEbottom of the stairs watching my parents move around the kitchen the next morning, I try to remember all the little details that I’ve never taken the time to notice before.
The way my dad leaves the sugar canister open for my mom when he’s done and shuts every cabinet door behind her. The way my mom closes her eyes and hovers over herWORLD’S BEST MOMmug before she takes a sip of her steaming coffee. The way they move around each other, hands dragging across each other’s arms and backs so they orbit and never fully collide. I don’t ever want to forget that.
“Oh shit,”my mom curses as she bangs her mug on the corner of the countertop. Another green-and-white ceramic chip breaks off and falls to the floor.
“I think it might be time for a new one anyway, Mom,” I tell her, making my presence known as I walk into the kitchen.
She drops her jaw dramatically.
“You wash your mouth out with soap! This is the perfect mug,” she replies, clutching it tight to her chest like it’s really something that was worth holding on to for all these years.
“If you say so,” I say as I force a smile and swallow thetears that have been scratching behind my eyes all morning.
“I’m headin’ out,” my dad announces, slipping on his boots behind me.
I’m not sure that I’ve even hugged him once since I woke up in the hospital, but before he has the chance to turn and leave through the front door, I run over and throw my arms around him.
“I love you, Dad,” I whisper.
He tenses up at first, surprised I’m sure, but then his strong arms settle around me as I turn my face into his coveralls. I’ve never liked the way the smell of the garage follows him everywhere he goes, but this morning I find some sort of comfort in it as my fingers rub against the peeling vinyl letters across his back, spelling outGREEN’S AUTO REPAIR.
“All right. I’ll see you tonight, kiddo.” He kisses the top of my head.
AnI love you toowould’ve been nice, but my dad’s never been particularly great when it comes to feelings. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I know he does… well, for now, at least. After he reads my letter tonight, he might feel a little different, so maybe it’s best that I don’t have to hear it from him now and imagine him regretting it.
He lets me go and turns for the door at the same time.
I blink the tears out of my eyes, doing simple math problems in my head to think about anything other thanthis. To force my emotions down somewhere deep.
“Here’s your coffee, Stevie. I’ll see you tonight,” my mom says from behind me as I watch my dad climb into his truck out the front window.
Wait. She wasn’t supposed to leave so early. We were supposed to have more time.
I try to calm my breathing.
21 x 3 = 63
128 ÷ 2 = 64
7 + 5 = 12
