“Well, I could have used itbefore now, you idiot.”
“I know.I couldn’t bearthe sight of it.”Despite his words, Cai took the beautifullyworked thing from Fen, and when his lover knelt beside him,carefully drew it down over the shining red hair.“There.Now youlook as you did when I first saw you.How you’ll look when youbecome a stranger to me again.”
“Cai, don’t.”Fen’s voicecracked, giving the lie to the blank ferocity of the helmet’s mask.“Take it off me, for God’s sake.”
“All right.”Cai obeyedhim.“But when you go, you will have that, and your shield and yoursword.”He buried his fists in Fen’s hair.He drew his head down,barriers of resistance dropping inside him.
Fen kissed him with a tenderness thatwas new, even after all their exchanges.“Forgive me, Cai.I swearI will come back to you.”
“Don’t make any promises.You don’t know what you’ll find there.”
“Nothing like you.Notever.”
“And…” Shifting, Cai tookhis weight more thoroughly, welcoming the blossom of pain in hisside.“Understand me, love.You have to go now.”
“What?No.I will wait tillyou’re well.Till the rebuilding is done and you have some defencesagainst—”
“Listen.I can behavemyself like a good soldier—a good monk, a good leader, whateverkind of man I’m meant to be.I can do that, maybe for a day, maybetwo.More, if I have to.But if you drag out your leaving anylonger than that…”
“Don’t.”Another of thosekisses, lingering, deep.“Oh, don’t.”
“If you drag it out, I’llfall.I’ll weep at your feet in front of the very men I have tolead.”
“You know,” Fen said hoarsely,“making my decision wasn’t hard—not once I’d seen I had to.No, itwas easy, because I pushed it away and made it little.I toldmyself I wouldn’t leave for weeks—and it wouldn’t really mattereven then, because I would come back.I’d promised you that.Already in my mind Iwasback.”
“And I won’t let youpromise.”
“No.”
“Won’t let you push itaway.”
Fen’s expression didn’t alter.But twohot splashes hit Cai’s face—just two, as if all the grief in theworld had been distilled into them.The tears of a Vikingwarrior.
Cai wrapped his arms around him.Thatwasn’t enough, and he lifted his thighs, groaning, and embraced himthat way too.Fen’s hard shaft pushed into the crease of his body,ploughing in tight behind his balls, the dear familiar trackway.Cai nodded, pressing consent to Fen’s face and neck in mute kisses.Yes.Fen smelled of apples—he must have been helping to store thecrop they had left up in the drying lofts.His skin was warm as ifprinted with the memory of sunlight, and Cai’s ailing flesh yearnedand opened to the sheer health and strength of it, starving for hisheat.“Yes.Push in.”
“Not like this.I’ll getsomething.”
“No.No wheat oil, nobutter filched from Hengist’s kitchen, no flax.”They’d tried allof those and managed on less—on seawater, sweat, spit.“Not now.There isn’t time.”
Fen froze for an instant, confusionpalpable.“No time?You want me to leave so soon as—”
“No, you idiot.I mean Ican’t wait for you.”
“Oh…”
“What do you do to me?Don’t let me come on my own, empty and alone like this.”
“I’ll hurt you.”
“I want that, this once.Carve your shape into me.So I won’t ever forget.”
Chapter Seventeen
Eldra was magnificent and ready forher journey.There was no longer a barn or a stable to shelter her,so Cai had tied her to a post in the field to knock a week’s worthof mud out of her sleek coat.His palm was raw from the manyhandfuls of straw the job had taken.Exhausted, he leaned backagainst the fence.
Yes, she was fine.Cai looked at herfor something else to do, but she tipped her head at him and blew aderisive snort through clean pink nostrils.She knew she was goodenough.That left Cai alone with the knowledge of his own failings,and the rest of the day on his hands.
No good.He pushed upright.If he’dstill had Broc’s chariot, he could have killed some time and truthin checking it over.Fittings to be polished, wheels squinted atfrom back and front to make sure they were properly aligned.Linseed oil to rub into leather till it was supple and resistant tosalt sea winds.But the raiders had turned Broc’s sacred heirloomto ash along with the monastery’s ox-ploughs, carts and hay wagon.There was nothing to stand between Cai and the knowledge thatFenrir was leaving tomorrow at dawn.
