“Yeah,” Zander nods, his voice squeaking a bit. “That…that’s probably it.”
We hear another sound, like footsteps crunching in snow, and Zander’s face drains of color, leaving his dark beard even starker against his face.
“Are there… bears around here?” he whispers.
Swallowing, I look around and nod. “It’s Colorado, man. There’s definitely bears.”
Another snapping sound has us both jumping into action.
“Fuck!” Zander cries. “Run, dude! Run!”
We take off, dragging the tree with us.
“Are we supposed to run from a bear?” I shout. “Aren’t we supposed to play dead or something?”
“Go right ahead and try that,” Zander replies, pumping his free arm and plowing through the snow like a cartoon roadrunner. “You’ll buy me some time. Your sacrifice will not be in vain!”
“Just keep running, you idiot!”
I can hear something chasing us, the sound of branches shaking and snow crunching unmistakable—oh, God! I don’t want to die like this! I always imagined I’d go in my sleep as a shockingly fit silver fox after fucking a beautiful woman all night long. I don’t want to be bear chow in the woods!
“It’s getting closer!” Zander yells. He tries to look over his shoulder and loses his footing. With a startled cry, he goes tumbling to the ground, face-first into the snow, and I lose my balance, dropping the tree on top of him.
“Zander!” I grab the tree and try to drag it off him as he groans and claws at the snow.
“Save yourself!” he wails. “Tell Rylee I love her and I’ll find her in the next life…”
“I’m not leaving you!” I grab a thick stick lying on the ground and turn to face whatever is coming after us. If I have to fight a bear to save my friend, then so be it!
A dark figure darts out from among the trees, making me shriek and I raise my stick…only to freeze when a raccoon comes to a stop in front of me.
“What. The. Fuck?” I gasp, dropping my arms and the stick.
“What is it?” Zander asks in a high voice. “I can’t see. Is it a bear?”
“No,” I grumble. “It’s a fucking trash panda.”
“WHAT?”
I make a quick snowball and toss it at the fuzzy bandit to scare it off. “Get out of here, you little shit! Go on!”
The racoon scampers back into the trees, but I swear to God he flips me the bird as he goes. Was that real? No, no…I’m losing my damn mind.
“We’re not going to die?” Zander murmurs.
Turning back to him, I drag the tree off him so he can stand back up. “No. We’re not going to die.”
Once he’s on his feet, he looks at me and we’re silent for a long moment before we each point a finger at the other.
“We will never speak of this again!” I exclaim.
“No one can know about this!” he declares at the same time.
We both nod and in unison say, “Agreed.”
The threat of imminent death gone, we pick up the tree and continue on our way to the house. When we reach the edge of the forest and step out into the yard behind the house, and the first thing I see is a plume of smoke shooting into the air.
CHAPTER EIGHT: CHRISTMAS CLUSTERFUCK
