He looked down at her precious, tired face, suddenly realizing he’d closed the distance between them. But she didn’t step back. She held her ground, looking up at him, her clear green eyes flickering with a host of emotions he couldn’t quite name.
Riley didn’t look away. “I want you to tell me.”
His Shadows reached out to touch hers, too desperate, too determined, to hold back entirely, and he shuddered at the contact. That feeling of home after a long, hard day. The joy of a warm light shining in the window somehow miraculously combined with the exhilaration of scoring the win of his life, all wrapped in one. Just as potent—maybe even more potent—than the first time he touched her and discovered exactly who she was to him.
Slowly he dragged his Shadows back, winding them around his aching heart without looking at them. If she felt the loss, she didn’t show it.
“We were a secret,” he admitted slowly. “No one knew. If it stayed that way, you could never be tainted by me. I thought, if I stayed away from you, it would protect you. Gordon would never even know your name. You would be safe.”
She dipped her chin slowly, her eyes narrowed as she considered his words. And then she scowled. “I don’t believe you. If that were the case, you would have called me and ended it. You would have done me the courtesy of finishing it.”
“No, I—” God. Even the thought made him want to be sick. How could he have done that? How could he have survived those horrific days he’d spent burning alive in Bryn’s spare room if he’d broken the last thread of hope he’d been holding onto? The last tiny wish, barely glowing in all the darkness. That maybe, one day, he could go back and find her again. That maybe if he kept her safe. Maybe if she never knew the truth. Maybe, maybe, maybe…. Until she’d come to Wales, and all those flickering embers had burned to nothing.
“Yes. If you’d thought about it for a second, you would have—”
“Icouldn’t!” The words ripped out of him, and he stumbled back, trying to escape.
Except now it was Riley stalking after him, and she didn’t stop. “Why couldn’t you call me? Kay has a phone. Ethan has a phone. Even Bryn, although I think it’s a fifty-year-old landline,” she muttered. “In fact—” She dug around in her pocket, pulled out the phone he’d left behind at Bryn’s house, and threw it onto the bed beside him. “You could have used your own bloody phone.”
He stared at the phone, his whole body shaking. “Obviously, I couldphysicallycall you! I just… I couldn’t….”
“Why didn’t you end it?” Riley demanded. “Why couldn’t you give me that tiny bit of respect? Why would you leave me, frantic with worry, and not care—”
“I did care!” His legs hit the bed. “I would never leave you worrying. Never. I just…. I wanted to believe you didn’t know! If you never found out. If you never saw—” He swallowed the words. She’d already seen. She already knew. “I wanted to hold on to that last tiny hope that maybe, one day….” He shook his head. It was too late for that now.
“You left me without once looking back.” Riley’s eyes glittered. “I was so frightened for you, and you never even let me know where you were. That’s not caring. That’s not…. That’s….” Her hand came up over her mouth, and a look of horrified understanding crossed her face. “You didn’t think I would worry?”
James collapsed down onto the bed behind him. Riley looked as if someone had punched her in the gut, and he didn’t know how to fix it. “We were a secret,” he whispered. As if that would explain everything.
“Oh, God. Did you…. Did you think I wanted to hide our relationship forever?” Riley asked. “No.” She shook her head, and he didn’t know if she was trying to convince him or herself. “It’s what you wanted in the first place.”
James forced himself to hold her gaze. “At first, yes. It was hot, and, honestly, I was figuring out my way. I didn’t want to do that in full view of my friends. If I was going to fuck up, I wanted a chance to fix it. And later, I wanted you to be secret from Gordon. Ineverwanted Gordon anywhere near you even when I thought working with him was the right thing for the Order… and myself. And before you point out that contradiction, don’t bother, I already know how screwed up it was that I wanted his approval.”
He groaned and crossed his arms. Trying desperately to shield himself somehow. “But later, I…. I wanted to tell Kay and Zach. But you didn’t like that idea. You said you wanted to wait. You weren’t ready to tell anyone, even your parents.” His chest hurt, and he didn’t want to continue, but he made himself finish. “I thought you didn’t feel like I did. I loved you, Riley—I still love you—and I wanted more with you. But you… didn’t.” He looked away from her, focusing on the sunny garden outside his window rather than having to look at her. “And now you never will. I understand that. But I guess I still hoped….”
Riley didn’t answer. Not to tell him he was wrong or that he was right. Not even to recognize that he’d just told her he loved her in person for the first time. Eventually, he turned back from the window, desperate for some kind of response, for some kind of emotion to show on her face.
She just looked at him in silence, her expression shuttered. Finally, she took in a long shuddering breath, and then let it out slowly.
He waited, heart thudding. He’d just revealed his deepest vulnerability. He’d done the one thing he’d sworn he would never do again. The one thing he thought his parents had completely cured him of the desire to do. He’d admitted he loved her… and he’d shared his dream that Riley could love him in return.
He needed her to say something. Needed her to at least accept the truth of what he felt. She opened her mouth as if she was going to reply but then closed it again. Hesitated. Finally, she murmured, “I don’t think I can do this right now.”
“Do what?” he asked as all his high emotion drained away, leaving only exhaustion.
“I didn’t understand,” Riley whispered. “I didn’t know. I need to think.”
Fuck. No way was that going to work out well. The more she thought, the more time she’d have to realize he was never good enough for her.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” She bit her lip anxiously. “I just…. I’m confused.”
“Okay.” What else could he say? It was all hopeless anyway.
She cleared her throat tentatively. “Can we talk about something else?”
James bowed his head for a moment. His mind was reeling, and it was taking everything he had to keep his Shadows from spilling out of control, or—even worse—desperately trying to reach for her. He had opened himself completely. He was raw and flayed apart. The pain was even more brutal than when he’d forced himself to walk away. But what could he do? He’d made so many mistakes, and he’d hurt her. If this was what she wanted, he would try to give it to her.
“Sure.” His voice was too tight, threaded through with grief, but there was nothing he could do to change it. “What did you want to tell me?”
