He could hardly remember it. It was like a frightening movie he’d watched as a child. The memory was faded and insubstantial, hardly even real, but the emotions were still clear. The fear and anger and dread. The knowledge that there was only one thing he could do to save them all.
Of course, he’d been utterly wrong about everything. And now he didn’t know if he could face walking into that house ever again.
Kay must have sensed that he was about to ask to go back because she twisted in her seat and grinned at him. “Come on, sunshine. Let’s go in.”
“Sunshine?”
“Yeah. I used to think Zach was the dour one of the triad, but now it’s you.” She chuckled. “It’s definitely you.”
James shrugged. Zachwasthe dour one of their triad—former triad—James was the broken one.
“Kay?”
“Yes, James.”
“I’m sorry. So very sorry. For what I did to you and Elizabeth. And for the way I treated Ethan. What I’d… planned.”
James swallowed down the bile that scorched his throat. He’d planned to kill Ethan. He didn’t remember much, but he did remember that.
Ethan was an honorable man. He was the man Kay loved. And why had James targeted him? Because he’d believed that Ethan wasn’t Dru-vid—wasn’t chosen, somehow—and because Gordon had told him to. Loathing wasn’t a harsh enough word for how he felt about himself.
Kay’s grin faded but she never looked away. “James, I’ve already forgiven you and so has Ethan.” She lifted his hand and held it between hers. “You repeatedly told me that you were trying to save me, and I believe you. I know Gordon wanted you to do something far worse than what you did, and everything you tried was meant to keep me and Elizabeth safe. Zach too.”
“No.” He squeezed her hand and then slowly pulled free. “That’s too easy. I did those things, Kay. I put people at risk. And Ibelieved.I truly believed that I was working toward the greater good.”
Kay frowned. “Do you still think that?”
“No, but—”
“Then you didn’t truly believe it, James. You were manipulated and brainwashed by a man who was supposed to care for you. You were a child when you went to live with Gordon. How long do you think it took him to decide to carry on experimenting on you the way he had with Emma?”
“I don’t….” The words caught in his throat. He didn’t know. But didn’t that make everything worse? Didn’t that mean his entire life was a lie?
“James,” Kay said softly. “You’re still my brother, and I still love you. You’re my family—the family that I chose. And I won’t stop believing in you.”
His eyes burned as he forced himself to keep breathing, to keep looking at her, and to listen to her words, even if he didn’t deserve them.
Kay leaned across the car and pulled him into a tight hug. “You’re still my brother, James. That means I still get to kick your arse.”
He let himself wrap his arms around her, just for a moment. He let himself absorb some of Kay’s natural strength and honesty.
A sound outside the car disturbed him and he pulled back from Kay to look out the window behind her. A car was pulling in beside them and the driver was staring right at them. Watching him with Kay while wearing a look on her face that was a combination of horror and hurt and bone-deep betrayal.
James had thought that nothing could make walking into Elizabeth’s house any harder, but he’d been utterly wrong. Because Riley was busy climbing out of her car while swiping angrily at her eyes as if to dash away tears he was too far away to see. And that was infinitely worse.
He’d thought he had a little while longer. He needed more time to hide away. To pretend that there was some kind of hope. But the truth was that he’d lost Riley weeks ago. He’d known it from the first moment he opened his eyes in Bryn’s spare bed and realized the depths of what he’d done.
James let go of Kay and they climbed slowly from the car.
“Hey, Riley,” Kay said. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
Riley took in a shuddering breath, still watching them with a look of stunned dismay. He longed to go to her, to fall to his knees and beg her to take him back. To hold her close and tell her that he would fix it. That he would mend all the things he’d broken, if only so that she never had to have that look of abject devastation on her face ever again. But he didn’t deserve her, and he couldn’t risk her like that.
James shoved his hands into his pockets and stepped up between the two women.
“God,” Riley said in a rough voice. “You’ve been here all this time. I thought… I thought you were hurt…. I asked David again and again…. I’ve called and called. Fuck.”
“What’s going on?” Kay asked slowly, wrinkling her nose in confusion as she looked between him and Riley.
