He waited for the click and then he turned and walked away. Just as he’d always planned. Just as she’d known he would. But she hadn’t imagined how much damage he would cause on his way out.
ChapterEight
Zach stumbled from the bakery,barely aware of where he was or where he was going. All he could see was Emma’s tear-stained face. The way she’d wrapped her arms around her belly as she shivered. And the way she’d lifted her chin, firmed her shoulders, and, so very quietly—as if it hurt to force the words out—asked him to leave.
He’d felt hatred before, of course. He’d hated his father for collapsing in on himself when Zach needed him most. Hated James for his betrayal. Hated Gordon for putting James into that position in the first place. And, God, now he hated Gordon even more for what he’d done to Emma. But he’d never hated himself. He’d always been so secure in his own choices. In how fucking right he was. But he wasn’t right this time. And he had no idea how to fix what he’d done.
He’d spent his entire life avoiding this kind of pain. He kept himself busy with his work and made sure to always stay just that little bit distant from everyone else. He made sure his walls were high and his defenses solid precisely so that he never had to feel this agony. The pain of losing someone. Emma had been back in his life for less than a week, but losing her was still almost unbearable.
He was a Guardian. He’d taken an oath to defend those in need and use his Shadows to protect the light, and he had utterly failed in both. Not only that, but he had hurt an innocent woman and perhaps even risked drawing Gordon to her. Not just any woman, Emma. His oldest friend. The woman his Shadows had chosen. God.
If he’d known how to cut the guilt and remorse from his body, he would have done it. Instead, he fled. Trying to find solace in distance, some kind of peace in movement. If he could just get far enough away, perhaps the relentless throb of loss would ease.
He was already out of the village before he realized he had no idea where he was going. A sign pointed to the local bay and he followed it. The road was narrow and the verge was overgrown and heavy with grass and shrubs, entirely unsuitable for walking along, but he had to keep moving. It was the only thing keeping him upright.
He wanted to speak to James, but he couldn’t. And he knew what Kay would think of what he’d done.
He stumbled to a stop. Maybe there was someone he could call. A small way he could atone for the hurt he’d caused. He pulled out his phone, stabbing blindly at the buttons.
“Hey, Zach.” Ethan’s voice was tired but warm.
“Ethan… I—” A car approached, and he paused for a moment, pressing himself into the dense foliage until it roared past.
“Where the hell are you?” Ethan asked, sounding far more alert.
“Still here. In Dorset. I’m… walking.”
There was a momentary silence and Zach could just imagine the serious look on Ethan’s face. The concern wrinkling his forehead. “Are you okay, Zach?”
“I’m fine.” The answer was habitual. If he didn’t admit his grief to anyone else, he wouldn’t have to admit it to himself.
But Ethan wasn’t like the Guardians. He didn’t let it go. “You don’t sound fine. Do you need help?”
“No… I….” Fuck. He couldn’t lie. Couldn’t even gloss over it. “I did something stupid. Something awful.”
Ethan didn’t even hesitate. “We’ll come to you. Tell me where you are, and we’ll be there in a few hours. Whatever you need.”
Strangely, the words settled the pain rioting inside him. They didn’t ease his guilt, but they gave him an anchor to hold onto. Perverse as it was, the offer of help made Zach more determined that he didn’t need any. “Thanks, Ethan. That means a lot. But I think it would make it worse. I need to sort this out myself.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
No. He absolutely did not. But he needed Ethan and Kay to know about Emma. Even if the only thing they ever did was avoid the horrible mistakes that he had made. “I found Emma,” He admitted. “She’s here and she’s—” Kind. Beautiful. Vulnerable. God. None of that was relevant. He cleared his throat and tried to find the words he needed. “She’s been hurt. I think Gordon did something that damaged her Shadows.”
I was terrified of needles…. Ever since I can remember…. He wanted to take some blood.Her words echoed in his head. Gordon had done something, and Emma had been paying ever since.
The Order hadn’t even taught her enough to recognize that she was a touch-Seer. They’d just abandoned her. Treated her like she was less than them. He’d been so enraged as he listened to her story that it had been almost impossible to contain it. He’d wanted to hunt down the people who had hurt her and teach them a lesson about humanity.
Zach wiped a shaky hand down his face. He had to get a grip on himself. This wasn’t like him. He didn’t get emotional. Didn’t get overwhelmed. He needed todosomething. Something proactive.
He gazed down the road, hardly seeing it. Maybe, just maybe, Ethan could help. Not only because he didn’t have the habitual secrecy and obedience to the Council that was impressed on every child in the Circles from the moment they were born. But also because he had trained in medicine without the benefit of his Shadows. It meant that he could look at a problem and see solutions that a Healer in the Order would probably never imagine.
Zach stopped walking, not caring that he was standing in the road. “Could you take a look at her Shadows and see if you can help? Like you did for James.”
“Of course. But I have to ask, Zach, are you sure?”
Zach bristled. “I don’t know how you can even ask that. She’s been hurt and—”
Ethan grunted. “I’m not suggesting we won’t help. I’m asking whether you’re certain she’s not working with Gordon.”
