‘You lashed out at him? What? When?’ She is suddenly furious, full mother hen, and I realise she doesn’t know about The Downs.
‘He told me he loved me and I...well, I lost all sense of him and who he was and went a bit crazy.’
‘He told you he loved you? Wow. That takes a lot for Jay to say. In all his past relationships, he's never dropped those words. They come with a lot of meaning. And you...’ She shakes her head.
I feel shit. I know all this but Cass’s words bring it home all the more. ‘I got scared, I was frightened of deviating from all I have been using to keep myself safe for so many years,’ I say.
‘Safe? Safe from what?’
‘From being hurt. But when I realised I had lost Jay, completely fucked it, that’s when I knew that he wastheman I had to take the leap with. That the thought of my life without him is actually way scarier than any of the things I thought I was terrified of. That closeness, the intimacy, the sharing of who I am and wanting him to share himself with me, that is what matters.’ My words are falling over themselves, their speed showing how much I mean them.
‘So you hurt my brother because you were scared of being hurt?’ The disdain in her voice couldn’t be clearer and I know how basic I sound. I need to explain better.
‘I love your brother. The way he cares for you, his integrity, his honour, his lack of superficiality, they all add up to one very rare person and that’s not something I ever expected to find in a partner. And then when I did...well, Jay wants kids, he’s made no secret of it, and I don’t know if I can have them. Fertility-wise, not choice-wise. I am taking steps to find out and if it turns out I’ve been carrying this belief that I’m infertile all my life and I’m not, then I need to look atifI want to be a mum. Up until recently I wasn’t sure if I did. I’ve told myself for years that motherhood is not for me. But to have children and have children with Jay, little mini hims, well, that doesn’t just not panic me anymore, it makes me actively want that dream to come true. But there’s a whole lot of steps to get there and I didn’t think it was fair for Jay to have to travel that path alongside me. I thought... I thought he deserved better.’
‘You should’ve talked to him about this. I know Jay, I know how grateful he is to Malcom and Sue. If he says he loves you then he really,reallydoes and if he can’t have children of his own with you that wouldn’t necessarily put him off.’
‘It might,’ I say dryly.
‘Honestly, the Jay before he met you, yeah, probably. But I also know he has been open to fostering as well. You can do that short-term or as respite for other families. There are all kinds of solutions. It would make him so happy to give kids like him and me a chance.’
‘You’re right, I owed him that. I was so caught up in my own head with this whole list of reasons why I wanted to be single, but Jay has blown all of them out of the water. He has shown me that being with him is more meaningful than any of the reasons I have for remaining on my own. He has shown me that I could have a different future, that it’s possible for me to have a relationship without losing any of my identity, and that life would be brighter and richer for it. And he is the only person I can see that with. My fear of ending up in a relationship has now changed to a fear that I’ve jeopardised any chance of one with the man I respect, admire and love so very much.’
‘Oh my God!’ Cass flaps her hands at me in frustration, which is not the reaction I had expected. ‘You two are the same. The both of you need a goddam bloody ass-whipping. You and Jay, him with his wish-lists and you with your reasons. What I’m hearing is you love him, he loves you. No one is saying the two of you will be together for ever but you have to give it a goddam try. It sounds like he has tried to, so now it’s down to you. You need to shake yourself up a bit, take a risk and do it tonight. That man has had enough hurt in his life to last a lifetime, if you don’t sort this soon, then the hurt you’ve caused is going to snowball inside him and there will be no way back for you.’
I gulp at the severity of her words, but she’s right, I know she is. I need to remedy the pain I have caused and I need to do it as soon as I can. I need to open up to him as he did me and show that my fear of that is considerably less than the fear of losing him for ever. But how?
The bathroom door opens and Chloe comes in. ‘Ah, found you, I’ve been...’ She pauses and takes in the two of us, the atmosphere clearly emotional and heightened. ‘You good?’
‘Fine,’ says Cassie. ‘I’ve just been putting a bomb up this one’s arse, she needs it.’
‘Ah, I can’t say, she’s gonna be my boss.’
‘In that case you’re off the hook. But someone needs to tell this girl to take things with my brother to the next level and stop twatting about.’
‘Your brother? Jay?’ Chloe asks Cassie and I sigh.
‘Uh-huh,’ Cass confirms.
‘Oh well, in that case, hallelujah and thank God for you. Cos someone needs to make this dippy bitch listen!’
Chapter Forty-Four
Lily
I’m back in the main room of Chrysalis now, Chloe’s and Cass’s words whirling around my head. Cass is right. I have made a huge mistake that needs rectifying as soon as possible.
We have pushed through to the front of the stage and despite my racing mind, I want to give Jinx my full focus. I’ve missed Meryl Strip but Lickety Split is amazing, and Ann Tagonism’s hot air balloon costume is nothing short of art. The crowd are hyped and we are more than ready for Jinx’s final act.
Suddenly there is a billowing puff of theatrical smoke and Jinx appears in the centre of the stage. She is wearing a huge frou-frou ballgown, the bottom half resembling a bird cage, with the hem decorated with the old paper Bristol Pounds. Her dress is an homage to all the green spaces in Bristol. She has her French Revolution wig on but it has been added to with birds and flowers and is so detailed that it could be examined for ages and still new things would reveal themselves. My heart swells with pride for my clever, clever friend.
As the smoke clears, Todrick Hall’s ‘Fabulosity’ starts to play out. The beat is fierce and fast and Jinx launches herself fully into the song and hi-energy choreography. The choir join in, backing her on the Chaka Khan vocals, and they dance with everything they have, a joyful exuberant flash mob sprinkled through the audience. They are perfect, taking it to a level not seen in here tonight – as hard as that is to believe – and the room explodes. Olive is throwing herself into it as if she has ants in her pants. I catch sight of Jack and someone I presume is his husband springing about next to him. Cass is dancing like a speeded-up Jack-in-a-box and I am alongside her giving it my all.
Dan has created a small forest on stage, including a hanging bough, and Jinx is incorporating it all as she pouts, struts and twirls through this first song. As the track ends, I am exhilarated and my heart fills full of love for my best friend, who is standing there in the most amazing frock and punching the air with such high energy. She sings the final ‘fabulosity’ of the track, her pitch perfect, and then, boom, a death drop.
The crowd screams and she grins, rolls over on to her side and as the music changes, she starts to sing the song she wrote about Bristol’s different parks; it’s tongue-in-cheek and very funny. Her humour is sharp but definitely not family-friendly as she homes in on all the city’s distinct areas. The crowd has gone from whoops and cheers and high-energy bouncing to cackling loudly. She is still using the wooden props to contort herself into the craziest positions as she sings and with each new verse she pulls off an item of her dress.
I had no idea she was such a whizz with velcro.
