‘Strong, good, hopeful. You helped, you know? You and Jay. Obviously, Jay has always done his best to help but he’s a little cack-handed and sometimes, despite his best intentions, I find it a bit overwhelming. But he’s a protective big brother and I know how lucky I am to have him. I’ve known for a while that things weren’t right with Jasmine. I loved the attention at first, she made me feel so safe and so goddam loved, but as time went by it was clear that something was off. Her loving became oppressive in the end, suffocating, frightening at times. I would catch her just staring at me, and it wouldn’t be a gaze full of love, it would be unnerving.’
‘It’s hard to accept that the thing you’ve invested in so heavily emotionally may not be working. Leaving is a process and it needs to be done in our own time,’ I say.
‘Yeah, I needed to be sure and then I needed a plan. And I didn’t dare confide any of that to Jay because I didn’t want Jas seeing anything that might give her a heads-up. Jay is not as subtle as he thinks he is. She’d been due to go to a conference this weekend and I’d been worried because in the past this causes tension. It’s fine if I go with her but if I don’t she’s been known to cancel them and stay at home, saying I can’t be trusted to look after myself. In fact, she’s so convinced of this she once screamed, like really screamed at me for hours, refused to let me out of the bedroom, jammed the door shut and screeched about how I couldn’t be trusted, and yet nothing she was saying or doing represented the way I have acted in this relationship. I know how important this weekend’s conference is so I was hopeful, but it seems like she has some kind of psychic sense for knowing what I’m up to, as if she is somehow monitoring the house. I’ve been so paranoid that I’ve been checking the light fittings, the furniture, all in the dark to see if she has some freaky camera installed, but I never found anything.’ We are both at the basins now, washing our hands and I reach out and rub her shoulder. I can imagine how frightening that must be, how trapped and desperate Cassie must have felt.
‘But I did my best, I assumed she had some way of watching me, and I have been so obedient, so meek. Even when she’s not home I’m following all these rules she has for us to ensure we live peaceably even though none of them made sense to me. I’ve not fulfilled my promise to do the scenery for the community choir and that stung but it meant I “proved” my trustworthiness. Leaving the house is always evidence of a crime.’ She sighs and rolls her eyes but I know this goes deeper than the throwaway reaction she is communicating. ‘But it worked. She trusted me, she’s gone away and I am out, out! I’m gonna block her number and then hide for a bit. I’ve left her a letter saying it’s over and to leave me be.’
Four girls stream into the loos and Cass becomes quiet and then flicks me a look of mischief before leading me to the two shabby high-backed velvet chairs sat at the end of the bathroom. ‘I know that it isn’t fully over, she’s going to make things difficult for a bit, but I’ll be safe at Jay’s. I just have to ride it out. Look, I was determined not to talk about this. I want to move on, not revisit. I didn’t drag you in here to talk about all that.’
‘You didn’t? We’re not here to talk about Jasmine?’ Oh shit. My heart starts to boom again.
‘Pfft! As if! No, I have far more interesting things to talk to you about. Namely you and my brother. What is going on there? ‘
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I say, somewhat mendaciously.
‘You know exactly what I mean. You’re going to make me spell it out? My brother is practically perfect but has spent so long trying to race to the finish line that he forgets to enjoy the present, so... we had a bet.’
‘Ahhh,’ I say, ‘I know about the bet.’
‘I wondered if you did. I wasn’t sure if he’d tell you. He needed to spend some time living in the present and not actively seeking out Mrs Right, the perfect baby maker. He needs to live in the moment for a bit.’
I gulp.
‘We’re not dating, I’m not a baby maker.’
‘Oh, Iknowyou’re not dating,’ she says, gliding right past the important bit of that sentence. ‘And that’s what I’m talking about. From what I’ve heard, you were refusing to answer his calls, his messages, and I don’t know what else happened recently but he was weird about it the other day, said there was no way, no how, the two of you would work… and now you seem to be here together. I was worried that it might be me holding you two back, now I’m worried that you’re both mentalists who are determined to fuck it up,’ she says and I shrug. I mean, that is kind of me in a nutshell.
‘It’s not you,’ I say carefully.
‘Oh, trust, I know.’ Cassie is a steamroller, with all the verve and energy of someone in her early twenties who powers on through without always slowing down to pick up on cues and clues. ‘I know the thought behind the vow idea, the let’s-show-Cass-that-change-is-possible as if I’m some four-year-old that needs to be shown something to be able to copy it. I know what he was doing. And then you came along and are all perfect and everything... I’m not being sarcastic, you really are.’
‘I really am not. I cannot begin to tell you how imperfect, flawed and fucked-up I am.’
‘Oh, I’ll give you a chance, don’t worry. But you’re not letting me get to the good bit,’ she says petulantly and I can’t help but smile. ‘The good bit is that he did manage, whilst deliberately trying not to, to get caught up in the moment. To do so with you. And I know you’ve been clear on how you’re um... not looking for a relationship and we both know how important that vow was to him but despite all of that the two of you had a magical night, the most magical night apparently.’
I open my mouth to speak but she holds up her hand. ‘Nope, no. I’m his sister, I don’t need to hear details of this magical evening, plus, you know, lesbian, so that whole thing, just yuk. I really don’t want to hear about it. But I do know that I released him from the vow, because he has lived in the moment without fretting about the future. I’ve practically given him permission to march you down the aisle, even though that’s not my place, but there’s been no movement forward. So I’m at the point where I know it’s not me stopping him, and I know Jay – I have seen him in relationships, I have seen him at the height of a crush, but this, this is something else...’
‘Cass...’ I try and interrupt. She is so on the wrong path here but she holds her hand up and cuts me off. ‘My brother is very much in love with you, deeply, genuinely and unlike any of his other short-lived infatuations. So the only thing stopping the two of you from having a wonderful relationship must be you, sweet pea. I get that you like being single and yet I’ve seen you with him. And relationships are your job, I know youknowthey’re not some oppressive life sentence. Not all of them. The two of you together, the way you interact, treat each other, all of that has had a lot to do with me realising that is what I want in my life, that that was not what I had with Jasmine. But it is whatyouhave now, or had until whatever has happened between you to mess it up. You've had me so intrigued I’ve listened to every episode of your podcast and heard that Jay was so concerned that he reached out to you. All your advice, that fact, all of that has made a huge difference to me ending my relationship, sorting out my life, so now it’s my turn to meddle in his. And I have to ask you, bearing in mind all I have seen, what is it about my brother that is not good enough for you?’
Chapter Forty-Two
Jay
Cass and Lily have disappeared to the loos and have been gone for ages. We are four acts and the interval down and I cannot see them anywhere.
I turn and have a good scout around the club when I see a couple that, from the photos on display at Lily’s house, look very much like Jinx’s parents.
No! Jinx’s messages said they were meant to be having a post-show tasting menu that should take them three hours, but instead they are standing in the doorway looking wide-eyed.
Dan is on the decks, Lily is off with Cass and I need to do something quick. However, why ever they are here, I can’t risk Jinx seeing them before she goes on stage. As I push through the throng of people, I see Chloe and the girls. I make frantic waving motions at them as I approach.
‘Hello, hello. Mr and Mrs—’ Oh, sod it, I don’t know their surnames. I hope to God I’ve got the right people. ‘Um... I’m Lily and Kevin’s friend. What a pleasure to see you both.’
‘Ah, you’re Lily’sfriend.’ The man leans forward and emphasises the last word. Itisthem then. I stop my signalling and reach out to shake their hands.
‘Yes. Lovely to meet you. Was something wrong with...um...never mind. Can I get you both a drink?’
They both nod and mouth the word Scotch at me. I need to keep them as far away from the stage as possible. My freaky-ass semaphore seems to have worked and Chloe, Megan and Ellie sidle up to me like perfect little homing pigeons and I am crazy thankful.
