‘Oh, um...yes...’ I want to say no, run and hide but that is not the sensible option. Sorbet. Sorbet is the sensible option.
‘I’ll have a mango sorbet please.’
What if Jay is about to ask me for a relationship. He is a man who needs commitment and children. I can’t provide that. I’m a thrill-of-the-chase girl not a sleeping-with-the-same-person-every-night woman.
But the truth is this man hasn’t asked me for any of this. He may just want an amicable working relationship. I need to get myself in check.
‘Lily, are you okay? You’re a bit of a funny colour. Maybe we should sit down.’
I smile wanly at him as a couple walk past, all hand-holdy and loved up. Beyond them is a heavily pregnant woman. She is one of those glowy types, the ones with the tight bump and no additional fat. I bet that wouldn’t be my experience, I wouldn’t be blooming, I’d be wilting. Hormones have never been my friend whereas this woman has earth-goddess-and-bringer-of-life written all over her.
I watch as Jay grins at her and she beams back.
This man wants children. What if he's planning on sitting me on some grassy knoll and lining me up to churn out offspring?
This is ridiculous. I need to get out of my head.
Jay finishes beaming at Mrs Walking-talking-fecund, flourishes his hand and suggests we sit.
Okay, sitting is good. This is going to be a quick, honest conversation on a summer’s day, between two adults who both want a good working relationship. We both knew we shouldn’t have slept together, we knew it at the time. I’m the idiot that has been rude recently, I’ll apologise for that and then this is easily fixed.
I nod and take a bite of my sorbet and lower myself to the grass. The sun is beaming down on us and this could actually be a nice afternoon. It’s the first time we’ve seen each other since he came to my room, and we have already broken the ice nicely with all that Jinx and Dan madness in the woods.
I turn to Jay and we shyly smile at each other. He could be as nervous as I am. He’s the one who’s been rebuffed and ignored. And by the one who’s meant to be a bloody expert on sex and relationships.
I feel a wave of affection for him. He hasn’t really done anything wrong, it's me that's triggered myself into peak madness, and he looks so daft with that paint on his face. I don’t want to hurt this man.
‘So, the paint, the video. Is that the community choir? And they’re happy to be involved with Drag Factor?’ I start with some non-threatening subject matter.
‘Yes, Olive is very keen. And what Olive says, the choir does.’
‘Looks like Kevin is keen to have them involved as well.’
‘Yes, hopefully...’
Aplink plink plinknoise interrupts us and I turn and see that we have plopped down a few metres from a harpist.
Of course we have.
Because who doesn’t want to be serenaded by a harp when they’re trying to keep it together and have a grown-up conversation with a man they would like to sleep with again, whilstknowingthat cannot happen? I hope to hell that Jay hasn’t organised this as some kind of big romantic gesture.
I stare in horror at the harpist when I realise he couldn’t have. He’s covered in paint. He had no idea he’d be here at this time today.
I feel myself relaxing when, boom, Jay blindsides me.
‘...Look, Lily, I want to be straight here. I think you and me, what we have is extraordinary. I think for the first time ever in my life I am falling in love, proper love, not potential, not possibilities, pure proper love. I don't want to scare you but I do want to be honest and I think we should give it a go.’
I’ve just told Lily that I love her and it was terrifying. My hands are clammy and my tongue snakes out and tastes sweat on my upper lip. Nice. Then the bloody harpist that I had not evennoticedas I sat down, because I was working and reworking how to say what I need to say, has started to play ‘Make You Feel My Love’ by Adele.
Kind of relevant for me but, by the look on Lily’s face, absolutely terrifying to her.
I know I have to hold my nerve, but I haveneverdeclared myself this way before and am suddenly cold despite the heat of the June sun beating down.
Lily on the other hand looks even worse. She has gone pale and is looking down in her lap, her breathing is laboured, and I can see her lips moving as she counts her breath. I need to know I’ve given this my best shot but the initial signs are that this is not going to go the way I had hoped.
And there is so much more I want to say. I want to talk about how I want to be more than a friend to Lily, I want to tell her how the night we spent together was so special for me, that I’m not suddenly looking at her to make all my future dreams come true. In fact when I look at her my plans for the future disappear into thin air. Being with her in the moment feels so right and that is all that matters. I want the moments to continue.
‘The other night was pretty special for me,’ I add. I don’t want Lily and me to be some stupid movie where no one is brave enough to speak the truth and both the hero and the heroine are left with feelings of attraction, love even, but are too scared to say anything. I’m not going to mess about at the edges here. Mo’s advice was good, I can’t go wrong with honesty... Can I?
