‘Do they or do they not have their arms around each other?’
‘Well yes...but...’
‘They are cuddling and they just kissed. That’s sexual contact right there!’
‘No, no, it’s not.’
‘Pah and what makes you the expert?’ Both Jay and I lift our eyes from the screen at this point and stare him down.
‘Oh, okay, fair enough. You’re The Love Doctor. But the thing is, you have sex with people and don’t feel an emotional connection so I don’t think you can actually advise me right now on love.’
Ouch. I don’t dare look at Jay.
‘Oh my God, look! look! He’s taken his arm and they’re... no, they’re not... yes, they are! They’re walking to the woods. Oh my God!’ Kevin uses one hand to push his wig up a bit. It would appear that sheer emotion is enough to make it topple even further.
Jay and I do exchange another look at this point. That doesn’t bode well.
‘Look, Jack has a bag with him, a huge bag.’
‘He does. What’s wrong with that? You don’t think he’s planning to chop him up in the forest, do you?’
‘Pah! He’s not a serial killer! Honestly, you have such a vivid imagination at times,’ Kevin spits. ‘That bag is rammed full of sex toys!’ he adds with utter conviction.
‘Really?’ asks Jay.
‘No,’ I say, although my curiosity is piqued; I haven’t done sex toys for a while on the podcast. A whole huge bag of them – now that is something.
‘I am not having this,’ Kevin screeches and jumps to his feet – the whisper part of his scream very much over now – and starts to race to the woods; the comedy of trying to do so in such a tight frock and overalls drawing curious looks from the people clustered up here, taking a walk or admiring the scenery.
I leap to my feet to follow him, scared of what he might find, and Jay is but a millisecond behind me. In no time at all we are at the woods on the other side of the observatory and as the three of us stand there clustered together and listening for clues, we hear them.
‘Oh no, it’s not going to work like that.’ Then there is some laboured breathing before the voice speaks again. ‘You need to pull it harder. A lot harder.’
‘I am pulling as hard as I can.’ This is definitely Dan’s voice.
Kevin takes a deep breath and barrels off through the undergrowth. His, or rather Jay’s, overalls get caught on a branch and he pauses to hoik them off and then continues running full pelt towards the voices.
‘What on earth...?’ We all break through into a clearing where, sure enough, Dan and someone tall and dark and – I can’t testify to the meddlesome but he is very definitely handsome – are pulling at a branch. Or at least Dan is whilst the man, who I have to assume is Jack, is pulling at a bough. Kevin almost falls over himself as he comes to a screeching halt and as he stumbles, Jay and I bash into him. All of us are panting and have made enough noise to wake the dead. We are like a pack of crashing wildebeest and both Dan and Jack turn to look at us with amazement on their faces.
‘Oh my God! What are you doing here?’ Dan asks, tree in hand.
‘What are we doing? What are we doing? What are you doing? I love you. Pull harder! Seriously. I don’t know what to say to you. I hope you don’t expect me to believe anything you say right now.’
‘I haven’t said anything yet,’ Dan retorts.
‘Semantics,’ huffs Kevin.
‘Mmm, not really,’ I whisper. ‘Let him speak. They do appear fully dressed.’
‘Oh trust me, that means nothing.’
Jack looks perturbed but has the good sense not to comment.
‘Well, go on, then.’ Kevin says, his arms folded as he nods towards Dan and shoots a filthy glare at Jack, strong enough to kill a viper at a thousand paces.
‘Hello, I’m Jack.’ Jack steps up and holds out his hand for Kevin to shake. Kevin looks at it, raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms. Jay steps forward instead and introduces himself.
‘Nice to meet you. I’m Jay.’ I am struck once again how good his manners are in every situation but before I introduce myself to Jack I can’t help but glance across at the large bag he was carrying. There are an awful lot of tools and implements in there and honestly not one of them looks like I would want it anywhere near my body. I’m not convinced Dan would either. I really do think that Kevin has the wrong end of the stick here.
