‘Look, you’re not understanding, although I’m relieved I don’t have to make a banner. You’re sitting there with a hangdog face as if you’ve just emptied my fridge, sold my house and killed my kitten...’
‘A nuclear bomb couldn’t kill your kitten,’ I say, ‘although it would do considerably less damage.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘But actually you haven’t done anything to upset me. If I’m hearing right you’ve just had a one-night stand, which I believe I recommended.’
‘Well, yes, if you’re going to look at it that way. Does that mean I’m off the hook for this...?’ I swing my arm around at all the painting we need to do. I may as well push it a little bit. She’s been very reasonable so far, and whilst we may have almost finished Potiphar’s house, there is the prison scenery to be started yet.
‘Not a chance in hell. Oh no, brother of mine, you have to doallof this now without a word of complaint but –’ she holds her hand up before I can say a word ‘– but because I am a good and loving sister, I shall help you. It can be a joint project.’
‘I don’t have to do it all alone?’
‘We want them to have recognisable scenery, don’t we?’ she teases.
I chance my arm. ‘Is everything all right at home?’ I ask. She’s been moaning about doing this from the minute Sue asked her so whilst I’m relieved I’ve not been stuck with it all I’m wondering what has prompted this sudden sibling generosity. Regardless of what she says, she could now be skipping out of here and leaving it all to me.
Her eyes cloud over just for a minute, and she tugs at the bottom of her sleeves for a bit before looking up and meeting my eye. ‘Yeah, all good, but I don’t want to talk about me. Let’s talk about you.’
‘Please let’s not.’
‘Oh, oh, I think you owe me that at least. Let’s talk about Lily and about how my initial one-nighters-only recommendation is about to change. I enjoyed getting to know her at the bar, she’s not what I imagined at all.’
‘Why were you imagining her in the first place?’
‘Well, you know, I’ve been listening to the podcast. You did tell me to. More than once.’ She tugs at her sleeves again.
‘You have?’
‘Yup’
‘Okay.’
‘Uhhuh.’
‘And?’
‘Yeah, I really like her. She covers a wide range of topics, doesn’t she?’
‘Right?’
‘Last night alone I listened toHow do I choose between two men,I hate my wife’s son,andFood Play and the importance of a big bath or wet room. You didn’t cover her with lard and roll her in pistachios, did you? I mean she’s an open-minded kinda girl.’
‘You’re gross.’
‘Oh my God! You did.’
‘No, I didn’t, you tit. We didn’t. Obviously not.’
‘So just like regular sex?’
‘Do other people’s sisters ask them for this much detail? I’m fairly sure they don’t.’
‘Answer the question!’
‘Freak!’
‘Me or you?’
‘Oh, for God’s sake. Regular sex as in nothing kinky but at the same time...’ I pause.
