‘So in therapist-speak, Lily, I guess my 'insensitivity' could be what you guys call transference. And, even though I should be focusing on Drag Factor, you need a friend who is not afraid to speak up when you start indulging in your usual bullshit. Ghosting this man is beyond destructive. Jay and you have something special... Don’t make that face. I know you’re keen or you would never have let him get so close, nor would you have secreted him away from us in the first place. Ghosting...and I notice you don’t deny it –’ I don’t but I do train my eyes down and stab my salad pointedly with my fork so I don’t have to see Dan nodding gently ‘– ghosting a man you respect and trust and don’t forget that hasalwaysbeen your holy trifecta...’ He’s right, I have lost count the amount of times I have told clients that love cannot be enough; without trust and without respect the relationship will not flourish.
Before I can consider this revelation, Kevin is bowling a new one at me. ‘But even more importantly, a man who is linked to work you have always wanted to do. And Lily, I have known you before you wereDrGalbraith and I have watched you flourish and develop through several incarnations, but I havenever,never seen you make an emotional decision that could negatively impact your work, your clients or your professional reputation.’
Shit.
He’s right.
I’ve been ignoring Jay because I have been so upset about the fact he saw me when I was all grotty and in bed, and because... and I know it’s true, I’ve been feeling vulnerable because we slept together when we probably shouldn’t have and I don’t know what to do with that now other than ignore it. Okay, I do know, I just don’t seem to be able to behave like a healthy adult in this situation.
But I do not look up at Kevin and admit this.
I do not look up and apologise.
Instead, I try and change the conversation.
‘Message received.’ I try not to look like a truculent teenager at this point but my chin is probably sticking out so far it’s about to bang into Dan. ‘So, seeing this lunch is meant to be about working out a plan for Drag Factor, maybe we should concentrate on that.’ There, nice diversion. Slightly shitty tone but nice diversion.
Then I go and sabotage myself further and launch an attack.
‘Although, do you not think that now you’re over thirty, well over thirty, and the whole world is familiar with Drag thanks to Ru PaulandTaiwan has a reputation for being pretty liberal these days, maybe now would be a good time to tell your parents rather than hiding the truth of who you are from them?’ I feel my eyebrows raise as I fix him with a look.
Kevin arches an eyebrow. I know I’m supposed to offer succour and comfort but he started this by saying best friends have a duty to speak straight, to highlight things that need to be said.
‘Seriously, you are suggesting to me that my experience with my parents is false, my concerns and fears that I have carried for years are nothing to worry about and that I should turn and face my demons.’
‘I’m sure they’re not that demonic... Mind you they have given birth to you so maybe...’ I do a weighing up movement with my hands, aware that I am being combative, and what would normally have been taken as a joke now has a darker underbelly.
Dan reaches across to Kevin and strokes his arm, a gesture of support that amplifies the fact that I have crossed a line.
Kevin pauses and takes a breath. ‘And you are suggesting that I am making a fuss about something, allowing it to shape my life. Constantly running from myself because I am too scared to turn and face a truth from my childhood that may not be true after all? Is that what you’re saying, Lily?’ Kevin tilts his head to one side, a definite note of challenge in his tone.
I can’t blame him. I have deliberately gone in on an uncomfortable issue.
‘Woah, woah, let’s not get into this now.’ Dan removes his hand from Kevin’s arm and does the whole lowering hand movement to try and calm us down.
I look across at my best friend and resent his implication here. I know what he is saying. That I shouldn’t dare judge him for his reluctance to talk to his parents about his sexuality, his chosen profession, when I myself have never faced my fertility concerns. About the fact that I accepted as a teen that I can’t have children and have gone no further with it.
But why would I? Why would I open myself up to the confirmation of the things that give me pain? Hearing when I was eighteen that I would struggle to conceive wasn’t easy but it wasn’t exactly all-consuming. I hadn’t given thought to having children as part of my future life at that point. I was obsessed instead with no longer having thighs that chafed and the fact I had developed rather pretty ankles. I had no idea of how my attitude towards children would change as I aged and now, here in my mid-thirties, it’s an issue that I know I should get checked out.
But I don’t know if I’m brave enough to dredge all that up again. If I address this successfully, will I be raising my hopes? I don’t know if I could handle the disappointment.
Does Kevin think that I don’t want to watch children of mine run screeching into the sea as my sister and I did? Does he think I don’t want to face the things that I am most scared by? That I have never gone and found out more about my chances of conception because I don’t care rather than perhaps caring too much? I don’t know myself how many of the choices I make are self-protection or honest desires. And I don’t know if I am strong enough to delve into all that yet.
I do know fighting with my best friend isn’t the answer though.
I don’t know how I have allowed this to escalate.
Kevin is lashing out because I was attacking. It’s not up to Dan to defuse this. I reach out for Kevin’s hand and whilst he twats about pretending I’m not allowed to hold it, eventually I manage to wind my fingers through his.
‘I know what you’re saying, I know why, and I’ll concede I may need to look at that. As to what I said, I’m sorry. I was being an arse, I got defensive. Of course, you have to do things for you when it is right for you, and it is none of my business. But I guess what I’m saying is that your parents may not be as disappointed or as outraged as you think, and, truth is, the only way you are going to know for sure how they will react is if you have the conversation. They haven't sent you bridal considerations for a while now, they may be more switched on than you realise.’
‘She could have a point,’ Dan adds gently.
‘Hmmm...’ It is more of a growl and he untangles his fingers from my hand so that he can bury his face in them. ‘I know. I understand what you’re saying but the truth is I do not have the bandwidth to cope with the emotional tumult of that conversation, not at the same time as Drag Factor.’ He says this through his fingers and then lifts his head and addresses us directly. ‘I need to win the regional heat this year. I cannot let Vivicious have her chance in the spotlight again. No way. I want to show how the drag community represents the best of us, not that cheating bitch with no morals. So, can I talk to my parents about who I really am at the same time as facing my insecurities and taking to that stage and showing the whole world that I have got what it takes? No, just no. This lunch –’ he waves his hands at the food on the table ‘– this lunch is not to discuss how I can get my parents to accept me as I am...’ He pauses and takes a breath. Normally this would be massively over-dramatised but it’s quite clear to both of us that Kevin is genuinely feeling all tangled up right now because of this. I reach across the table again to reassure him he is loved but before I can do so, Dan has leaned over and pulled him into his chest. I withdraw my hand and watch as Dan holds my oldest and best friend tight and as Kevin takes a deep breath before looking up at Dan and nodding.
‘Shall we go back and make a plan to help you with Drag Factor week? Like we were meant to? Ignore everything I said. I was lashing out because I didn’t like what you had to say. I’m sorry. I was reacting rather than thinking and I am grateful for all the help you give when I’m feeling like shit. Tell me how I can help.’
Kevin purses his mouth and fixes me with a severe look.
