I roll over and decide I may as well have a nap, it’s easier than a shower and may provide some respite from my stupid self-loathing, self-pitying brain, even if only for ten minutes.
I am just snuggling into my pillows when I hear Kevin coming into the house. Glancing at the clock I realise he is here a good hour earlier than I expected him and before I know it I am sobbing again, this time with gratitude that I have such a good friend. I would kill for some chocolate-covered almonds right now.
I hear him coming up the stairs and manage to gulp some of the tears away, mopping myself up on my duvet cover, gross thing that I am. And then I hurl the covers off (down to my waist) and play dead – it’s one of our favourite games – lying there in my full grotty glory. I see the door handle turn very slowly and I close my eyes so I look as lifeless as can be.
The door creaks open and I ready myself for his shrieks of laughter. We’ve been doing this for so many years but today my room really does look like a crime scene. He’s going to love it.
‘Lily?’
Shit!
My eyes open immediately.
That is not Kevin’s voice, that is Jay’s!
What the hell is he doing here?
I grab at my duvet and pull the covers back up and over me, head included. This man may have seen me in the most intimate way any person can, but this, this is levels above that. I have yesterday’s make-up on and I’m wearing an old, stained T-shirt along with my period pants, which are big enough to propel a sailboat across the ocean. This is not lacy, slightly breathless, sexy Lily, this is Lily as no one, NO ONE, is ever allowed to see her bar Kevin.
‘Oh wow, you scared me. Are you okay? Kevin asked me to bring these up.’ Jay addresses me under my bedding.
Kevin did? I’m going to kill him. I may hang, draw and quarter him first though.
‘Okay, thank you,’ I squeak from underneath the duvet, whilst rubbing rapidly at my eyes.
‘Can I see your face?’ he asks as he approaches the bed, sitting down at the end of it, amusement in his voice. I’m glad he finds this funny.
‘No.’ My answer is short but pertinent.
‘Kevin said you were sick, and he’s sorry but he had an emergency at work. I’ve brought your almonds upstairs and some water, what else can I do?’
‘Nothing,’ I say, still under the duvet, and I remember my knickers on the floor. ‘Close your eyes, close them now!’
‘Really?’
‘Do it!’ I sneak a look from under the duvet and I see him there at the end of my bed, eyes scrunched shut and my heart warms for a millisecond. But only a millisecond. As if this man wasn’t all over my life as it was, now this is the icing on the cake. I don’t have time to dwell on my embarrassment though. ‘Keep them like that,’ I say as I grab my knickers, wriggle back and shove them under my pillow.
‘Right, thank you for the shopping. I am fine. You can go now,’ I say, safely back under my duvet. I have been feeling guilty about not answering his message earlier but now a whole new tumult of embarrassment washes over me.
‘Are you sure? Lily, I have a sister, there is nothing I haven’t already seen. I could cook you something or we could watch TV or play cards. I’m a whizz with dominoes as you know. Should I go pick some up and come back? I can keep you company for a bit.’
‘No, NO! NOOO!!!!’ I squeak like a frenzied giant mouse. ‘No, just go, please.’
‘But...’ I don’t need to peek to see the confusion on his face, I can hear the hurt in his voice.
‘Jay, please. I don’t know how else to say it, you shouldn’t be here, please just go!’ And I hear him get up. I feel him hover over my head, buried as it is under 3 togs of feather, as if he is considering dropping a kiss, and then I hear him walk away and the door shut behind him, and again I cry.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lily
Apiece of paper slides under my door as I turn my hairdryer off and shake my hair out. Normally, having finished my Saturday morning yoga class, I feel pretty zen but today I am still caught up in incandescent fury.
It’s lasted quite a long time – over a week and counting.
I scowl as I reach to pick up the note, unfolding it to see an invitation to lunch in the kitchen from Kevin and Dan.
And whilst it may be cute that he is trying to make up for sending Jay over when I was my least polished and most private self, a sandwich is not going to cut it. Frankly he could do all my chores for a year and do so dressed as Patrick Swayze – as Vida Boheme, obviously – and it would not be enough.
