Jay
‘So what do you think? Anything to add?’ I ask Chloe, Ellie and Megan. They have stayed behind to talk about two sessions I have delivered, one yesterday and one just now, modelling the roles Lily and I are asking them to take on as peer support.
‘You were a bit too quiet like. Shouldn’t your job be to push the message that what that girl is putting up with ain’t right?’
‘Nah, he needs to build trust, make a relationship first, that’s what this is about. You can’t just come at someone like that if they don’t know you. They won’t listen to nothin’.’
‘Chloe’s right, you need to read the room. If I had just met you and then told you what to do, where you were going wrong in life, would you react positively?’
I laugh as Ellie mimes how she would respond to that and we carry on chatting over the plans and good practice. As the girls leave I hear my phone bing. This wellness project is going well so far, the girls have been super responsive, but it is not my work that needs sorting out right now. They say you can’t have everything in life, and right now my work life is a big old tick, my health is good, but my love life, let’s just say my high has faded slightly.
I’ve never been one of these people that follow the don’t-message-until-Wednesday rules. I believe that if you like someone, you tell them so. But not wanting to push Lily I thought I should wait for her to message me, give her some space. I know this woman and I know the surest way to scare the living breath out of her is to go too hard, too fast.
At the risk of sounding like a twat, once we had met it was as if our souls recognised each other, as if we have been living our lives waiting for this moment. As if we simply had to wait for our brains and our bodies to catch up to this. And our bodies definitely caught up on Saturday night. I have never known a night like it. Our bodies recognised each other then too, I know they did, and now I am waiting to see if Lily’s brain has caught up to this at all.
Or at least I waited the whole of Sunday, and then hearing nothing sent her a text this morning. Nothing scary. Just a hello and a hope-you’re-okay message.
Friendly.
I have heard nothing.
So now as my phone beeps I grab it, the butterflies rising up in my stomach. This has to be her surely? But my phone has been beeping all day and not once has it been a response from Lily.
Hey Jay, hope you don’t mind me reaching out. It’s Kevin and I hate to ask but I wondered if you were free and could do me a favour?
Of course, I type back immediately. Odd, but I finish here in a bit and then my evening is more or less free. My only plans are the gym and to see what chaos Dim has caused in my absence. He is furious that I stayed out the other night and has stopped bringing me presents – thank God – and is very definitely sulking. He didn’t even bother to feign gratitude as I opened up the super posh tray of cat food I had bought by way of an apology, stalking past me once he had wolfed it down and then shooting me looks of fury from a distance.
Brilliant, thanks. Lily is sick and I promised I’d pick up her click-and-collect grocery order. But there’s been an emergency at work. Any chance you can pick it up instead? I’ll shoot you the email you need and then if you could drop it round to her that would be crazy helpful.
If she’s sick does that explain her not answering? I don’t like the thought of her being ill. I can pick up some fizzy vitamin C and echinacea whilst I’m grabbing her groceries, the two things that Sue used to pump into Cassie and me like they were the elixir of life.
And if she wants, I could cook for her. I run through the possibilities in my head of how I can best help as I shoot back a message to Kevin.
No worries at all, send it over and I’ll get it sorted.
Thanks, darling. The spare key is under the recycling boxes to the side. If you could let yourself in quietly – she might be sleeping – and then maybe, and I don’t want to take the piss, but could you take her up some water and the almonds so they’re there?
Okay. Will do.I send the message back and hurl myself into action. As long as I stay silent and don’t disturb her, Kevin has given me an opportunity to show how much I care.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lily
Ihave had to cancel work and reschedule my clients for next week. I am not even up for getting my hair brushed and clothes on to sit in front of the laptop and zoom them. Currently my top half is a dead ringer for Oscar the Grouch, and down below... well, Carrie at prom springs to mind. On top of which, I can barely move, everything aches and I keep bursting into tears.
I have just sobbed my way throughThe Repair Shopon catch-up and am considering a shower but I simply can’t be arsed. I have plates piled up that need seeing to but have not got the energy or inclination to do anything about it.
What’s the point? I feel disgusting and I hate everything about my life.
I hate my stupid body.
I hate the fact that everyone thinks I’m so fucking polished and no one really sees me.
I hate the fact that I am so weird that I have never had a circle of girlfriends from school to stay by my side throughout life.
I hate the fact Ihaveto be disciplined when all I want is a fountain of chocolate topped off with a tin of condensed milk and old-fashioned sugar cubes.
Arggghhhhhhh!
